Jesse After Blog: Jesse’s Game

Jesse is a friend… ya you know he’s been a good friend of mine. But lately something’s changed, it ain’t hard to define, Jesse got himself two goals, and an assist, let’s go.

Honestly, just the best day ever for your boy. I’ve been pumping Jesse’s tires since the moment I saw my dude’s face. I’ve been so excited about his game last night that I legit needed to take a few hours today just to comprehend my emotions. That, and my internet was working like major butts all day so. Anyways.

My boy finally delivered the game we’ve all been waiting for. Yes, I know it’s preseason. Yes, I know the Jets didn’t exactly throw their A team our way. The most important thing to ask yourselves in this particular scenario is do I give a fuck? The answer, like always, is a definitive no.

Oh, and we’re 5-0. Talbot and Daddy have played two games, and we’re 5-0. We’re FIVE and OH. And Jesse’s scoring. And Kailer’s getting all the goals. And Calgary’s arena is still an oversized shit box. And the Florida Panthers still haven’t sent me my jerseys. What a time!

1st Period

We allowed the Jets to take the lead because Connor was playing and it’s only fair, so we trailed early buuuuuut it wasn’t long before the Pistol’s main offseason weapon once again got a goal for the fellas:

That’s the future mayor of St. Albert, Mr. Matthew Benning, with a great seeing-eye wrister that tipped off Josh Morrissey and Jussi Jokinen before beating the ghost of Michael Hutchinson. And 17 seconds later, Brad Malone — possible relative of Kevin Malone — put another one by Hutch, and the boys cruised to a 2-1 lead after one.

2nd Period

Manitoba Moose star JC Lipon scored the only goal of the frame. Who cares. Let’s get to the 20 minutes we’ve all been waiting for.

2-2, let’s go.

3rd Period

Best. Preseason. 20 minutes. Ever.

First thing’s first, here’s you’re weekly reminder that Connor McDavid makes professional adult hockey players look like wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube men:

That goal was pornographic, for sure, but not seen here was the saucy little sexy pass made by yours truly’s best friend in the entire world (disclaimer, never actually met). Look, Christ, he plays ONE period with Daddy McDaddy and all he does is feather a naughty little one-toucher on Connor’s tape and score a goal:

And then he scored another goal.

And then he celebrated with his work buddies and friends:

Brad “don’t call me Ryan” Malone added his second of the game as well, and the boys took Winnipeg to the f-shack.

6-2 Final.


Did I mention we’re 5-0?

Calgary won their first preseason game of the year on Friday, in a big tilt against juggernaut Arizona. Good job, guys!


Normally I’ll do an ENS Impact Replay for these goals and outline how a defensemen either lost his career and/or his job, courtesy of Connor, but not this time. This time, our ENS Impact Replay is for one man and one man only:

Okay, so prior to Benny Chariot and Julian Melchiori being orbited by Connor McAsteroid, it was my good pal Jesse Pool Party with hands like baby whips. The epitome of one-touching, and he glided that fucker right on Daddy’s tape before all hell broke loose and the entire arena’s audience got hot flashes and sweaty palms.

Honestly when Jesse started deteriorating the Jets I was bouncing off the walls like it was the damn playoffs. I need to see a doctor for this, for real. Something’s seriously wrong with me.

My good friend is growing up so fast.

Jesse Forever.

Sam Bennett had three points and zero pull ups on Friday against ‘Zona, good for him but not as good as Jesse getting three points last night against Winnipeg. Smell ya, Sam.

Iceman cometh.