Mini Morning After Blog: Suck It, Calgary Rookies

Hockey season is back-ish!!! That’s right. The Oilers season kind of sort of started last night, and I’d like to think we kicked things off exactly the way we’ll be kicking things off in 25 days: by hammering the daylights out of Calgary.

Like hockey, ENS is still in early preseason mode. I’m trying to work on a few things for the site, you know, to make more than just a blog about guaranteeing Oilers wins and swearing and cursing and kicking dirt like an old school Ozzie Guillén. I mean, that’s my shtick and it’s not going anywhere, but I’m trying to make this site a community for Oilers fans to come and look shit up and get informed and god knows what else. I am, however, one man, and quite honestly I’m lazier than Ilya Kovalchuk below the red line, so dammit this is tough. Anyways. There was an Oilers game last night, and regardless of how many names you recognized in the lineup, a game’s a game and I’m going to cover it. Consider this the first of a whole lot of Morning After Blogs this year. Now, without further ado, I declare the ENS preview and recap season officially underway. Buckle up, it’s game time. Let’s go.

1st Period

And NOTHING happened! That’s the way we’re starting the year off. I love it. Literally nothing to cover. Couple penalties for Maksimov (remember this name). Shots were allegedly 11-8 in favour of Calgary, but the score was:

0-0

And that’s about it. So we move on.

2nd Period

Well shit. Flames 2017 1st rounder and future member of Slytherin Juuso Valimaki opened the scoring on wrister by Dylan Wells, and just like that Calgary was on the board early in period deuce.

But enough of that. Shortly after, Chad Butcher got the boys going with the (technically) first goal of the Oilers season.

Take me to the Butcher shop and get me some cold cuts and second period goals babaaaaaaay! Chad Butcher signed with the Condors this offseason after pummelling the Dub with 103 points in 68 games with Med Vegas last year.

Unfortunately, the score didn’t stay tied for much longer. Calgary’s first round pick from 20andForeverAgo and current Oakland Raiders place kicker Mark Jankowski got the Flames back on top before the period expired.

Good to see that bum in yet another Young Stars tourney. Calgary’s hoping that he’ll actually make the team this year. God knows nearly six years of development should do that.

3rd Period

It was nice of our rookies to let Calgary’s idiot rookies think they had a chance, only to obliterate their spirits in the third. Let’s begin with Chad “The Butcher” Butcher getting the boys going AGAIN with his second of the night:

Then it was good Wetaskiwin boy Evan Polei, who bought a car for less, then put the young Oilers ahead with this beautiful deflection in front Calgary’s 2016 2nd round pick, Tyler Parsons.

Wearing the digits of former Oilers legend, Billy Acton, and mucking in front of the crease like a 10/10 good Albertan boy. Great tip!

And finally, it was former Bond villain and surprisingly good Canadian boy Kirill Maksimov (born in Concord, ON?) with this shot featuring Alex Smith-to-Kareem hunt accuracy that finished Calgary’s rookies/five year veterans for good.

Suck it, Mark Jankowski. And suck it harder, Spencer Foo. That’s a 4-2 lead, and that’s a 4-2 win. HOCKEY’S BACK AND THE FLAMES STILL CAN’T BEAT US!

Final score: 4-2 Little Oilers.

Final Thoughts

ONE AND OHHHHHHH (1-0)!!!*

*Sort of.

Can’t win them all if you don’t win the first Young Stars game.

Lmao Spencer Foo you idiot. You big, big idiot.

This is OUR tournament:

Just dominant. Not even sure why the other teams let their rookies show up anymore. Love crushing the confidence of our rivals’ NHL hopefuls.

All eyes were on Kailer Yamamoto, and why not? The Oilers 2017 1st rounder is probably the best offensive weapon in his draft class, and that was before he put on the lbs this summer:

That’s right. Our little buddy Kailer now weighs 155 big ones, or 2 lbs less than the reigning Lady Byng winner. In 2018, the best hockey player for ants in Alberta will be playing for the Edmonton Oilers. Book it.

Honestly, how many Young Stars tournaments has Mark Jankowski played in now? He is WAY too old for this. He was drafted in the same draft as Yak for shit’s sake. Should be noted that every Flames first round pick after Jankowski, excluding this year of course, has played more games than Mark in the NHL. Monahan, Poirier, Bennett, Tkachuk. Yup. Even Emile fucking Poirier has played more than Jankowski, and I still don’t think that’s a real hockey player. Never seen her.

Hottest Tweet(s) of the Night

Had nothing to do with the game but oh my god:

Before we dig into the hilarity of this statement let’s take a moment to acknowledge that Canuckgirl20 has the Penguins’ Sidney Crosby as her profile picture.

Okay. So obviously this hurts the brain to even think about, but LORD HAVE MERCY what kind of a godforsaken world do we live in where Canucks Twitter is legitimately fantasizing over an event as unfathomable as Moses parting the Red Sea? Bo Horvat “slowing down” Connor McDavid?! Holy Moly!!!

Can you try to imagine Bo Horavt shadowing Connor? PLEASE for the love any God might have left for me, will (Googles “Canucks head coach”) Travis Green (???) to make this a thing!! Add that to the recently public fact that Vancouver is planning to start Jacob Markstrom in 55-60 games and Connor’s double digit scoring lead will be an absolute goddamn certainty in April, 2018.

If the game were a song…

Oh baby. Tommy Cochrane’s “Big League”. Crank that shit and enjoy your Saturday. The Jets rookies are next up tonight. Let’s go.

 

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