Morning After Blog: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Listen. I’m out here telling you all that we’re making the preseason great again; that smoking teams when there are literally no points on the line should matter more than just the general perception and negative stigma that suffocates preseason hockey. So, it would be immoral of me to sit here and argue that getting pile-driven from behind by the Carolina goddamn Hurricanes in September doesn’t matter to me. It matters, of course it matters. That said, who gives a shit?

Anyways.

I would have loved to woke up a fan of an undefeated preseason hockey team this morning, but ya can’t win them all. I still, however, woke up as a fan of the team that Connor McDavid plays for. So suck hard on that, Carolina. Nice Connor-less team, you idiots. Truly, I think most of the fellas are just bored. Nobody wants to play this many preseason games. Leon looked like he didn’t give a scheisse anymore. Cam let in all of the goals. Looch looked slower than his normal cement truck acceleration.

Disclaimer: I didn’t watch a second of it. Smytty could have come out of retirement and played in the third for the fellas and I’d have no idea. Don’t know what happened to the lines. Don’t know how my boy did on the first line but I’m assuming it wasn’t as magnificent as I predicted him to be. Watched half of the Monday Nighter, then tossed on Hidden Figures, staring Taraji Henson and Kevin Costner instead. Good flick.

1st Period

Well, six minutes in the boys somehow (seriously, I don’t know how) found themselves on the wrong end of a 5-on-3:

Mark Letestu with just an awful clearing attempt. Half a second later it was Teuvu Teravainen burying a bullet from the high slot. Fun fact, I passed on Teuvu Teravainen like 11 times in my deep keeper league draft last night, so of course he buried twice.

Ryan Strome was recently stuffed in Todd’s doghouse… in September, two preseason games into his Oilers career, which is extreme, even for Edmonton. He responded by going to the hard area and putting in a rebound:

Just another Klefbomb that directly lead to a goal. Ho-hum. He’s getting 50 points this year, book it. Big preseason goal with two bucks left in the period.

1-1 after 1 OH Just kidding!

Exactly one minute and three seconds later, that little human manifestation of a wet fart Teuvu Teravainen grabbed his second of the game. I’m going to pick him up in week 2 because I’m an idiot sucker. He’s going to get exactly 19 points this year.

2-1 Canes.

2nd Period

So:

Halfway through the 2nd the Iceman decided to fire a platter right on the plate of Josh Jooris (Christ), leaving Oscar Klefbom out to dry like a Singaporean laundry day and leading to Lucas Wallmark putting in goal number 3 for the Canes. OH AND THEY WEREN’T DONE! Janne Kuokkanen, a good young Finn who of course the ‘Canes drafted, put another one by the Iceman and made it 4-1.

Lucky for us, Kailer was still playing his butt off, and salvaged any bit of respect we had left by putting home his FIFTH goal in SIXTH point in just FOUR preseason games my GOD the kid is so good.

Nice little deflection for the little guy, on what was just a great shot by the stalwart of St. Albert. Pay the man, Pistol.

4-2 Hurricanes after deuce

3rd Period

Shit.

First, a massive defensive turd up led to Mr. 40 points Jordan Staal being left completely alone:

At first glance, it looks like that was all Kris Russell’s fault, but that gif doesn’t do the play justice. Let’s have a closer inspection in our ENS Impact Replay:

Okay, so as you can clearly see in this diabolical derailment of an example, plus minus is without question the stupidest and dumbest and most ridiculous stat that we keep track of. So Carolina clears the puck on their own accord, then proceed to cycle it back to NOT EVEN the offside dot, we of course do not even come remotely close to possessing the biscuit, and two players who shall remain named (Klefbom and Lucic) decide fuck it, let’s go for a change. Leon was either gassed or had a serious case if the preseason, I’m not exactly sure. Other than Jesse, the only player moving his feet was Kris Russell, of course, who had no choice but to b-line it back immediately after stepping on the ice, thanks in totality to that abysmal display of a line change which left Jordan Staal’s not-exactly-generational elusiveness completely unguarded. Classic preseazZzon.

Jordan Staal scored again because why the hell not?

6-2

Thoughts

Get ’em tomorrow in the TOON!!

Eight days until the home opener LORD have mercy let’s go.

I really can’t comment too much on anybody’s play here because I don’t know what went down, other than the odd piece of information from the Twitter critics, but Kailer for goddamn ever.

The team is only wearing their whites in the preseason, clearly. Saving the orange jerseys for the home opener because for some bizarre reason we feel like they’re sacred or something? This STINKS of Kevin Lowe. Does he still work for us?

He probably still works for us. Everybody needs a Director of Things That Sometimes Might Happen in Sports Stuff.

Undefeated at 5-0. Dismantling other teams best players with our back ups’ back ups. Scoring an obscene amount of goals. Lose one game to the Carolina Hurricanes. Oilers fans:

 

Lay off the sauce, Kev, you bum.

Jesse with none. Sad.

WHAT ARE YOU?!

God, we’re weird.

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