Morning After Blog: The One Where We Beat Calgary Twice, Part 1

 

PRESEASON DOESN’T MEAN ANYTHING!!!

*Beats Calgary twice in one night*

HOCKEY’S BACK FUCK YA LET’S GO!!!!!

MY GOD right where we left off!!! We sent our B team and Leon down to Calgary and they STACKED their squad. Did it matter? Read on to find out!*

 

 

*IT DIDN’T MATTER!!

You utterly ridiculous idiots. You dressed all of your big offseason acquisitions. You threw almost all of your best forwards except maybe minus the guy who can’t do a pull up right in our face, and we countered with dressing nine forwards who totalled 15 points last year. Didn’t matter. Daryl might as well have part ownership of the Flames right now because we control them. Mike Smith stinks. I can’t wait to light his dumb, stick throwing, meniscus shredding ass up this year.

1st Period

Sean “durrr” Monahan got Calgary on the board with their first shot of the game and goddammit Micheal Ferland got the helper. Not a great start for the boys. The Oilers needed More Life in the opening couple minutes so real talk there’s only one person to turn to:

OH WE GOT THEM KEYS TO DEFEAT MIKE SMITH (you literally just shoot the puck on net). That’s the guy we traded Taylor Hall for just rifling a puck on net, and New Digits Drake gets that deflection going for the boys first of the evening. Things going well now, right? They’re about to get better:

I’m not exaggerating when I say I had been waiting exactly 94 days for that moment. I don’t care what season it’s in, watching Mike Smith let in uncontested clappers from the wall will never get old. Never. That’s the pride of Ivry-sur-Seine letting one rip right throw the automatic sliding glass door that is Mike Smith’s five-hole, and the fellas are on top.

2-1 Oilers.

2nd Period

The Juice Jar is working for a roster spot and putting one upstairs and short side on Calgary’s new starter will definitely help his cause.

Rocking the big 1-6 now like he’s a young Kelly Buchberger and letting shots go like he’s anybody but Buchy.

Calgary didn’t even have a chance to sniff the shit in their own pants before the Drake put in his second of the game:

Started with a Klefbom now it’s in! FOUR goals on 13 shots and that was it for Smith’s night. Yes, both teams changed goalies at half, but I like to think Mike Smith got the yank because he’s a rambling idiot.

Dougie Hamilton brought the Flames to within two on the first shot Nick Ellis faced.

4-2 Oilers.

3rd Period

And the moment we were all waiting for:

 

Here’s Calgary captain and veteran defenseman Mark Giordano feeding one right on the tape of little buddy Kailer. That was fucking erotic. Seriously. Watching little buddy Kailer dance around Dougie Hamilton like he’s a park bench is pornographic. Kailer putting the ‘Chel move on Dougie’s ankles sent the signal to my limbic system that it was fucking go time. In a matter of seconds my heart rate severely increased, my pupils dilated, my breathing got heavy, and every coherent thought got fucking sump pumped out of my brain. I think I had an out-of-body experience. Absolutely smell ya, Dougie.

Calgary buried a few more on Ellis, including 35-year-old rookie Mark Jankowski, but it didn’t matter.

5-4 Oilers, final.

Thoughts

I wanted to do this in one blog but 10 goals is a lot of gifs and it would slow the blog down. That and we got two wins and I think that deserves two blogs.

Watching Mike Smith hurrr and derp all over the crease brought more joy to my night than I’d even like to admit. The saviour goaltender of the Calgary Flames has an electrifying .692 SV%. Let’s watch it again:

WIFFFFFFFF!!! Travis Hamonic with the primary assist.

There was a lot that made it rise in this game but Leon telling Gio to eat ice was definitely at or near the top of that list:

God, we really do bully them. I don’t even care. Our 70 point, $8.5 million German Gretzky is out there spreading Flames all over the ice like they’re goddamn tapenade. Next up: Matt Tkachuk, Dr. Pizza Face, opening night.

This:

Things I’ll never get sick of:

  1. Connor
  2. Connor retiring defensemen
  3. Cool Runnings
  4. Mike Smith making excuses for being awful

Loved Draisaitl’s game. I could have made the entire play before Yamamoto’s goal into a gif but it would have been about 25 seconds long. Basically, for those who didn’t see, Leon took the puck into Calgary’s territory on a 1-on-5. Not even exaggerating. He was all alone and took the puck down deep, caused some havoc, and pressured the Flames’ captain into making a rushed decision with the puck, causing the turnover that led to Dougie Hamilton’s ankles bending like Beckham. When Leon successfully drives his own line enroute to another outstanding offensive season, I will go to Flames Nation and find that idiot who calls him Draisaddle, and I will bark in his face.

The Flames being unable to beat 1/4 of a hockey team low key gives Vancouver hope.

Kailer forever.

Oscar Klefbom being healthy and experienced is bad news for 30 other teams. He looks so ready to be a clear #1.

LB with a really impressive outing. We need that out of him this year. Can’t force the Iceman into 70 plus playoffs again.

FIFTEEN more days let’s go.

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