Preseason Game Day Blog Finale: Closing Time, Oilers @ Canucks

It’s the final tune up game for the regulars and the final impression game for the bubblers. In FOUR days, we will be playing regular season hockey against the NHL’s number one relocation threat.

I need someone to inject a hose into my veins and pump regular season Connor into my life like a goddamn IV machine. But for now, I’ll have to settle with punishing the Canucks in one last fake points game.

Lineups

The boys:

Set your fucking watches!

IT’S TONY TIME!!!

Yes, ENS’s favourite Russian is back. After suffering a mysterious foot injury (Russia, amiright?) earlier this month, Tony Slepyshev is ready to dress and play and break hearts. This also makes the end of camp extremely interesting, as one of the bubble players will likely lose their spot. Big night for the fringers, can’t wait to watch them battle for the last few roster spots OH WAIT:

What’s the commonality between those six guys? I mean sure, they’re all a little different. One guy kills people, one guy lofts floaters by Mike Smith, one guy cranks his tendy in the head with pucks during morning skates, one guy turns like a semi, one guy fucks, and one guy is Chris Kelly. But other than Kass, they’re all fringe players. Auvitu and Fayne are not in our top 6. Kelly Kass and Iiro are fourth liners at their peak. And then there’s Jesse.

Poor guy, all lost in this big and confusing world. Asking Jesse to comprehend a standard English compound sentence is essentially the equivalent of asking Sam Bennett to complete a standard, vertical, close grip pull up. And yet, he continues to fight. Guy doesn’t know what ‘quit’ means* (*literally). Is he ready to consistently produce in a top 6 winger role on an NHL team? I don’t know. I want to believe so. I desperately hope so. But time will tell. My gut tells me that Jesse will be heading down to Bakersvegas sometime soon, and it will be another developmental year for my best buddy. Sad.

Jesse forever.

The idiots:

God this team sucks. So 22 and 33 are Daniel and Henrik. And 89 is Gagner, but that’s cheating. Seriously, can you even guess who any of the other numbers are? I have no idea. Bo Horvat actually had a sneaky good year last season, and I still don’t have a clue what number he wears. Does Erik Gudbranson still play hockey? Who cares.

What to watch for one last time until it’s the regular season LET’S GO

Barring a circumstance as unforeseen as Kailer nailing Todd’s wife, I fully expect the little buddy to be playing for the Oilers on October 4th. Even if he doesn’t play the entire year, his work ethic and brilliant display of skillsing this preseason has earned him the right to wear orange and blue for at least the next few weeks.

Oh hey bud!:

I’m not going to lie, I’m considerably less confident in my Pool Party’s chances of making the team right about now. But it’s also Saturday and I’m about an hour away from piling an unholy amount of Sicilian Pasta Kitchen into my blog locker, so things could be worse. Let’s go.

Seriously though, I’m going to look like a big dumb idiot in my brand new secksy little Puljujarvi Adidas jersey at the Rog Mahal on October 4th if the Grin Reaper gets tossed down to Bakersfield.

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!!!

MIKEY FIVE-HOLE STRIKES AGAIN! You BUM!!! You enormous, oblivious, and easily-triggered BUM. Jake Virtanen’s stats now show that he has three goals in the preseason. He will probably make the team now, because of this goal. Mike Smith did the impossible and got Jake Virtanen back into the NHL. Unbelievable.

Calgary (1-5) is pretty terrible but at least they have a decrepit architectural whoopee cushion as their home arena so.

How’d I get distracted by the Flames? We’re still playing the Nucks goddammit Shanny focus.

Oilers by 8. Give me the regular season and give it to me NOW!

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