Here Are Your 2017-18 Edmonton Oilers

It’s October 3rd! The Edmonton Oilers finished their final preseason game on Saturday (finally) and trimmed the roster to its opening night outfit. Yes, now we have a general clue as to how we’re going to look on Wednesday, when we smash Mike Smith and the Flames all the way back down the QE2 to their decrepit warehouse of an arena. For the most part, our roster cuts went virtually exactly the way we thought they’d go down. No real surprises, however, there was one particularly body-numbing kick to the nuts. The regulars will know exactly where I’m going with that. We’ll get to it in a hot minute. For now, we’ll go over who’s going to be draped in burnt orange and navy blue in 48 hours, and some very in-depth points about it:

Point 1: Connor McDavid still plays for this team, and 30 other teams do not have him.

IDIOTS!!! You can’t stop him. He’s a fucking mutant. Let’s watch this erotic display of blatant humiliation again:

Ya boy is really thirsty for some pints of 2017-18 tears and I’ll tell ya that for free. Tune in on about October 11, when Toronto tells the world that Auston “heavy” Matthews is a better fit for the Leafs, because defensive skillz and thickness. I will not be dehydrated that day.

Point 2: Hello Moto

LITTLE BUDDY MADE IT!! Little player, big league. Kailer flat out dominated his first NHL preseason. Call this one a surprise. I mean, I thought he’d have a good camp. But he was flat out brilliant in virtually all aspects of the game. He had a far better preseason than Jesse had last year, or Leon had in 2014, and both those guys made it beyond the nine game mark. Even if he doesn’t stick beyond October 26 against Dallas, he’s still turned enough heads and made it extremely clear that he’s going to be an impact payer for this team in this league extremely soon. I’m friggin’ pumped to see the kid get’er going. I’ll never get bored of this:

I’m going to play this at my wedding. Nothing gets the blood plummeting south quite like watching the little guy pick off Giordano and then dangle around Dougie Hamilton like he’s a fucking musical chair and then bury upstairs on that blabbering buffoon Mike Smith, all in immediate succession.

Point 3: The Return of the Big Three

So this sparked all of the controversy. Some people were pretty passionately upset about putting these three back together after paying Leon like an isolated star, destined to carry his own line because money and something I guess. I don’t care. All I care about is wins, not how we achieve them. If it’s better for the team’s long-term winning percentage to have what we already know works fucking terrifically play together because chemistry and points then who cares? Who cares how much we paid Leon? We know he can put up big digits on McDavid’s winger. We know that those big numbers probably cannot be replicated by anyone else. We know that maybe he won’t put those numbers up on his own yet (strong emphasis on the yet, Christ, he’s 21, you paranoid mutts). Stop overthinking this shit. This is classic Oilers-fan syndrome. It’s like we’ve become so used to there being problems on the team that we try to create a problem that doesn’t necessarily exist, because what else will we talk about? You will tune in tomorrow and you will watch them rip the 30 other teams into a different galaxy for another season, and you will enjoy it. It will not ruin this team if they play together for another year, I promise you that.

Point 4: When Is Tony Time?

Great question! Nobody really knows! I’m pretty sure Tony doesn’t even know. He was supposed to play against Vancouver on Saturday but clearly that wasn’t the case. Now he’s taking reps on line five. Does it even matter? You and I and everybody else who watches Todd coach knows his gushing devotion to Drake Caggiula will probably prevent Tony from getting his Time. Let’s assume Kailer goes back to Spokane after nine. A spot opens up in the top six. Maybe Drai slides back down to the middle in line deuce, opening up the potential for Strome or Nuge to play as a top six winger. Likely, it’s Drake Caggiula on his infinite leash sliding into a bigger role for what will undoubtedly be too many games. For the record, I don’t have a problem with the Drake. I love him as a third line/bottom six guy. I see him do some good things sometimes, so that’s nice. I just don’t get where this perpetual and unconditional love from the coaching staff comes from, for real. Anyways. Regardless of where he plays, I’m still very fired up for the clock to strike Tony Time once again.

Point 5: 🙁

Ah Christ.

This was that body-numbing kick to the sack I had mention earlier. I know it’s not the worst thing in the world and that it’s probably the best thing for Jesse’s development right now but dammit I don’t care. Call it selfish. Call it childish. Call it whatever you want but it still doesn’t change the fact that I will miss the goddamn shit out of my good friend digging for the puck in the corner while the ref holds his hand up for about 63 seconds because Jesse has been offside the entire time. Bakersfield has no idea how lucky they are. Jesse forever. I’ll see you soon, pal.

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