Game Day Blog 2/82: Oilers @ Canucks

^Jim Benning, immediately after looking at the roster he’s pissingly assembled.

Tonight’s Opponent: Two time Presidents’ Trophy champions Vancouver Canucks

Their 2016-17 Season Record: 30-43-9, 69 points (nice). Yes, the Canucks stunk worse than the bathrooms in downtown Mumbai last year, and then fell three spots in what was unanimously regarded as the worst draft in maybe ever, thanks in large to the new rules implemented by the NHL in order to stop the Oilers. Last year, the Canucks were in overtime and had the puck in the offensive zone with nine seconds remaining. They lost, and it wasn’t in a shootout.

What do they have? Oh boy, not a lot. I don’t even know where to begin with this shit mess. Three years ago this team somehow managed to accumulate a whopping 48 wins and 101 points. That team, of course, was only four years removed from a Stanley Cup finals choke job. What happened, you ask? Well, team owner and former Hoboken mobster Francesco Aquilini hired Trevor Linden. Then he hired Jim Benning. Then the three of them took a trip to North Korea and allowed Kim Jong-un to test one of his nukes on their roster. And now they look like this:

Yep, here are your 2017-18 Vancouver Canucks, led by a couple of 50-year-old twins and a guy who’s playing for what feels like his 15th team. Bo Horvat got a fat new $5.5 million contract and he isn’t even the highest player on his line, nope, that title belongs to the ghost of Loui Eriksson. They brought in Alexander Burmistrov because there was literally nothing else. Brandon Sutter is a $4.375 million fourth line centre. And Derek Dorsett apparently still exists! How that guy is still in the NHL is beyond my realm of little intelligence. It’s like they went to IKEA, but instead of buying the table, they bought a bunch of different spare pieces that were good about six or seven years ago and created something straight out of a DIY nightmare that sort of resembles a table but that you know will collapse the literal second you put anything on it. They are the inevitable catastrophe that happens when you make a longstanding series of awful decisions. It’s no wonder the team can’t sell season tickets. They’ve gutted this team and are placing their future in the hands of prospects described religiously by The Hockey News as having upside, like Olli Juolevi and Elias Pettersson and Brock Boeser (who, by the way, is a healthy scratch tonight). They’ve taken the spirits of what little fans they already had and unceremoniously crushed them to the point where they’ve all now emotionally detached themselves from this unprecedented level of dipshittery. The only noise you’ll hear in Rogers Junior tonight will be the sound of horrified gasps as Connor shreds the Achilles’ off of every single one of those blue liners.

George RR Martin will finish his books before Jake Virtanen makes an impact at the NHL level.

What do we have? We have Connor McDavid, that’s what’s up. Taking a page right out of the Jagr playbook, Michael Del Zotto shared his thoughts on the league’s most explosive mutant:

Look at all these compliments from division rivals. God it makes me so happy that we have this freak. Remember when we were bad? Neither do I. Anyways, compliments aside, Vancouver is now the second team to claim to have a “game plan” for #containingConnor. Let’s have a look at that:

Oh YES let’s send Bo Horvat out to shadow the man who single-handedly defeated what is widely believed to be the best defense in hockey. It has to be Bo, because at the risk of sounding obvious I legitimately feel like Vancouver has the slowest first line in the league. I don’t think they have any other choice. Watch tonight as Troy Stecher and Ben Hutton get humiliated on national television. Jaromir Jagr is going to have a seismic orgasm after this one.

As for the rest of the lineup:

Little buddy Kailer is sitting this one out. Pakman Iiro slides into his spot on the bottom line with Khaira and Letestu, meaning…


Need it so bad. Same blue line. Same goaltender. Same Connor. Business as usual. I cannot wait to pummel these guys.

Did you know? @HockeyDipshit is probably the best account in the world. This guy LOSES it on his team and it’s outstanding. Take tonight, for example, when it came out that Boeser would be a healthy scratch:

If I ever create an ENS Vancouver I will open the vault for this guy.

Prediction: I was generous and gave Calgary two goals in my last prediction. That’ll show me for ever doubting the Iceman. I’ve learned my lesson. It’s the Canucks home opener tonight and all the fans that flew down from Edmonton to go watch the boys cream these idiots are in for a damn treat. Let’s go 6-0 Oilers. No joke. No exaggeration. I legit feel like that will be the score. Connor with 5.

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