Game Day Blog 8/82: The Kid vs. McJesus

What a lovely picture of little Connor McDavid and a huge fan.

I’m in the MacEwan cafeteria writing this just so damn revved up on Adderall. The school speakers have been cranking “Free Bird” for the last like five minutes and it’s been on the banger part of the song for a while now and I’m sitting here literally head banging as I type. Fuck that’s such an awesome song. I’m absolutely AMPED. DADDY VS. CROSBY TONIGHT, LET’S GO!!!

Tonight’s Opponent: Pittsburgh Penguins

Of course these assholes won another Stanley Cup. Every fan of every Pittsburgh team is that slobbering buffoon from Zack and Miri Make a Porno. Their fans are a sewage-disposal of the biggest bunch of bandwagon sacks of shit on the planet who spent their game days aimlessly waving NFL penalty flags over their heads. An entire generation is about to grow up and graduate high school under the belief that Penguins fans are loyal and loud and dedicated, oblivious to the fact that this team was a lottery ball away from relocating to Kansas City, and even that almost wasn’t enough to keep them in the Burgh. Goddammit they’ve won two straight Cups.

Their Record: 5-3-1, 11 points, 2nd in the Atlantic behind… wait for it, New fucking Jersey. I can see Taylor Hall’s lips revengefully smiling from the other side of the continent.

Pittsburgh was blown to absolute smithereens by Tampa and Chicago by a combined score of 17-2. This team has been lit to the moon and back (39 GA in 9 GP). If the rumours are true and we get back an important offensive weapon and Drake Caggiula back, then this could be the game where our offense finally erupts. Of course…

Our Record: 2-5-0, 4 points, 7th in the Pacific.

We’re four points behind Calgary (shit), five behind Vancouver (da fuck?) and EIGHT behind Vegas (oh boy).

What do they have? Dammit, Kessel is cool. Here he is on media day:

Here’s his grandmother chugging out of his first Stanley Cup:

And here he is eating hot dogs out of his second Stanley Cup:

That last one is particularly awesome because it was a direct shot at that mouth breathing sack of mashed potatoes, Steve Simmons. Kessel was blessed with C+ talent and beer league-caliber goaltending during his tenure in Toronto and somehow, Simmons felt inclined to write a hack piece as Kessel was shown the front door, as if he was to blame for all the nonsensical fuckery that took place in Leafs Land – a town that hasn’t had any tangible NHL success in over five decades. THEN, of all goddamn shit, Steve tried to downplay the article after Kessel went back-to-back and put up the picture. Phil Phorever. Fuck Steve Simmons with a sun-baked fire hydrant.

Back to the Pens, their goaltending has been a disaster. Matt Murray’s GAA is hovering at a minuscule 3.35, and that includes a shutout. Antti Niemi’s Penguins career lasted exactly three starts before he and his 7.49 GAA got exiled to the everglades. Jimbo Rutherford moved a first round pick for Ryan Reaves in a move so stunning and unfathomable that it surely would have made Peter Chiarelli absolutely furious to realize he didn’t call St. Louis first. Ryan Reaves’ reaction when he heard the trade:

At least Lucic felt like he deserved the $6 million we’re paying him to trail behind on every single shift. Christ when even Ryan Reaves feels like trading a first round pick for him is complete and utter madness. And somehow, inexplicably, all the bandwagon derpers loved it:

GUESS WHO LOVED IT?!

Nobody knock a move Jim Rutherford makes… until Jimmy Hot Takes sends it praise, in which case knock it all the way to Saturn. Of course the Edmonton media loved it. Spec probably burned a hole in his pants thinking about all the GRIT Pittsburgh received for a first round pick.

Justin Schultz is a two time Stanley Cup champion who now makes $5.5 million per year. And, of course:

Yes, that’s Jultzy finishing 10th in Norris voting last year. TWO third place votes!!!! Somewhere (in the Oilers office), Craig MacTavish rubs his nipple.

Sidney Crosby is the epitome of excellence.

What do we have? GUESS WHO’S BACK! (probably, awaiting the doctor’s official word).

YUP. Fresh off his return from an injury he suffered that your friend’s friend’s cousin said happened at Cactus, Leon will make his triumphant and definitely welcomed return to the lineup. The Oilers will be waiting for the official word on Leon and Drake before making any final lineup decisions. Let’s assume they’re both playing. I’d like to see this:

19 – 97 – 29
27 – 93 – 56

I’d like to see Drai return to the top line to see if we can ignite a little offense into this lineup, especially against a team that gives up goals by the trillions. Putting Kailer down to line two means that Nuge won’t have to carry both of his linemates. Then there’s this:

He hasn’t been good. Same could be said for about eight or nine other forwards right now too. It’s a message. As for the bottom six, I’m guessing Slepy will come out because that sounds like something Todd would do, and I’m also guessing that Khaira will play because honestly I don’t remember the last time he did. I’ve actually loved Brad Malone’s game but it’s clearly a numbers thing right now and he can go down to the A with no issue. That stinks. He’s deserved his time. Meanwhile, Iiro Pakarinen is still here and starting to look a LOT like Jesse Joensuu.

Blue line is the same because Johann Auvitu is fucking terrible. Cam’s in net.

Did You Know? The Steelers’ kicker was ejected from a Finals game for “banging on the glass”:

Have you ever watched a game featuring a US of A home team? All these imbeciles do is smash the glass like roid-infested neanderthals, but a player on their beloved STEELAAS does it one time and he gets thrown out?! I call bullshit. Chris Boswell was ejected because his leg stinks and he hasn’t hit a field goal of 50 or more yards since 2015.

Prediction: Well, it’s week four and our offense has yet to score more than three goals in a game. That’s something. Luckily Matt Murray has decided to let in all of the goals this year. Unfortunately, Pittsburgh is more than capable of making up those goals against. Last year we had one of the most exciting games of hockey I’ve ever watched against Pittsburgh and I fully expect it to be that way again tonight. Leon’s back and the fellas are ready to go, so let’s go. 6-4 Oilers with an empty net goal. It’s Crosby vs. McDavid, so buckle the hell up, Earth. Get your McBoners ready.

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