Morning After Blog: What the Fuck?

Okay, officially sick of losing. It’s been 14 days AND COUNTING since the last Oilers win. I hate it. I’m sick of it. I’m out here bouncing off walls trying to study and taking a sickening amount of study drugs to help me focus on my shit and all I can think about is how we haven’t held a lead in a game since exactly 7:35 into the 1st period of game numbers TWO. CONNOR HASN’T SCORED SINCE OCTOBER 4TH AND I DON’T KNOW WHY GOD IS DOING THIS TO ME!!!!!!!

HELL! I’m okay. This is the ultimate test of man vs. patience, everybody. I think years of despicable hockey has triggered Oilers fans to the point where I actually think there should be a trigger warning outside of the security gates in the Ford Hall. The moment we fall below .500 people begin to look for the nearest fake jersey to launch on the ice.

1st Period

Mother fucker:

Let’s quickly play a game I like to call “Count how many Oilers are below the top of the circle!”

Didn’t help that LB let in that goal from Viking.

And then the Rig got angry and took a dumb, moronic penalty which lead to this shit:

Another goal scored from rural Alberta and quickly, the Oil were down 2-0. Before the period ended, it was 3-0. I blacked out and honestly can’t remember how the third goal went in. It’s probably better that way.

3-0 Canes

2nd Period

We would not be shutout by Cam Ward. This isn’t 2006.

Mark Letestu on the power play because duh.

3-1 Canes

3rd Period

Honey quick get back to the TV the Oilers are on the power play this could be a big momentum shifting point in the game I can’t wait get the puck to Connor AH I’M DEAD:

Milan Lucic was on the point which should never, ever, ever, ever, in a million fucking years ever, happen. Jordan Staal’s foot speed rivals that of traffic on the Yellowhead during rush hour and yet he looked like hockey’s Usain Bolt (Connor?) pulling away with that puck. Great work by Darnell Nurse to do literally nothing productive on that play.



Oh but wait, we have a pulse!

Ryan Strome is a PERSON! And boy did he show it in the third. I’m so glad. Really. I will continually knock the guy and it’ll make it sound like I have some begrudging despise towards the man but in all honesty I want him to do this. The Oilers will be a better team if they get depth scoring from guys like Strome.

Anyways none of it mattered because Adam Larsson forgot how to defense for five seconds:

Well, I told you it would be 5-3.

5-3 Hurricanes, final.

Positive Thoughts

That was Ryan Strome’s best game as an Oiler and I’m not ashamed to admit it. I pray for more of those, in fact. Many more of those.

McPoint heyyyyyy #OilersPositives!

Speaking of the old days, I love how #HereComeTheOilers starts trending the literal moment things get tough on Twitter. I’d love to travel back in time to like 2013 or whenever it was when they figured that was a great slogan for the season. Just to sit in that war room and listen to them unveil it in front of all the idiots we employed. (And still employ, yes!) Anyways. My point is that after the game #HereComeTheOilers started trending for the first time in a very long time. Brought back some memories, none very good, but still memories. I started thinking about concrete. I started thinking about Ben Scrivens letting in a million goals. Anton Belov came to mind. Then I remembered that hell, things could be so much worse and we’re going to win all of the games on this road trip and everyone will put the juice away.

I was so confused when we got secondary scoring. I had no idea what to do with my hands.

This guy gets it, we’re screenshotting everything:

Only. Game. Five. Patience is a virtue and everything like that.

Best part of the game, by far, was during the second period while Hunter the goddamn Soul Sucker was dancing aimlessly during a 3-0 blowout when all of a sudden he CLOBBERED some poor woman holding a Rogers priced bag of popcorn. It was absolutely raining little yellow and white popped kernels in my section.

I noticed that she didn’t complain either. She just sat back down and ate whatever was left of that popcorn. Wise move.

“Tell anyone and you’re DEAD!”

Not so Positive Thoughts

You fucking idiots.

I’m normally a big tire pumper of Patty Maroon but that was a BAD game he played. Stupid penalty.


One boat anchor was carried by Connor McDavid’s incredibleness all of last year and that’s clearly not been the case so far this year.

One boat anchor makes $6 million a year and scores once every lunar cycle.

Iiro Pakarinen was on our second unit power play yesterday. Iiro Pakarinen. Will somebody please for the love of God free Jesse.

I’m sorry guys. I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.

Our penalty kill is:

Two minutes left in the game and we’re down two goals, might as well send out the 2nd power play and have McDavid stashed on the bench for three-quarters of it. For 90 (!!!!) straight seconds we had Kris Russell and Iiro Pakarinen on the ice, trailing by two goals, with the net empty. Meanwhile, last year’s MVP didn’t get over the boards.

Hottest Tweet of the Night

Huh? He has six points in five games. Has he played his best hockey? I’m not convinced, not yet at least. But he’s also responsible for, like, something around 60% of the teams shot attempts and total offense. ONE player. Also, the Big Rig has been an absolute detriment to Connor’s game and Kailer Yamamoto kind of sort of looks a little out of place. Where is his game at… my God. Where’s your head at, Brian? You just stuffed it up your own asshole.

Can of Coffee’s Hottest Tweet of the Night

This dude and his 17 followers:

Game five, already guaranteeing a draft lottery visit. This guy is the antagonist to Magoo’s superhero story. Stop hiding behind a troll account and show yourself, you bum. I will start a podcast if we can get this guy to get on there and talk about what goes on in that head of his.

Gator’s Grinder of the Game

I mean literally nobody did anything worth mentioning but I thought Brad Malone of all goddamn people didn’t play that bad so why not?

Most Outstanding Player

Ryan Strome. Just going to leave that there.


RIP Gord. Thank you for everything: