Morning After Blog: The One Where We Dominated Calgary

HELL YA FAM!!! Back in first place, undefeated. Connor McHatTitties. The Iceman Cometh. Just another Wednesday in Oil Country.

1st Period

I was still admiring Todd’s suit when You Know McWho activated the turbo button:

That’s an Oilers club record for fastest torch of Dougie Hamilton to start a game.

Connor then got the first goal of your 2017-18 Edmonton Oilers campaign, because of course he did, off a generationally anticipated rebound blast via Leon Draisaitl’s stick. Connor came into the night with 10 points in seven career meetings against the Flames. Might as well make it 11 in eight:

Connor McDoorstep on the SPOT sneaking right behind TJ Brodie, who went straight to the bold section of the playbook and decided to leave the reigning 100 point McMVP completely wide open at the front/side of the cage after Kris Versteeg’s controller died. Great rebound by Mike Smith.


TFW you’re the goddamn MVP. Let’s go.

2nd Period

Just peppered the living shit out of Calgary but I’ll be the first to admit that Mike Smith sneaky played a damn good hockey game. Sometimes I’m logical. Anyways. Here he is taking a point-blank KlefBOMB, brought to you by Tim Hortons, directly to the face:

That puck targeted Smith’s head at a rate that only Danny Trevathan couple replicate. It was the loudest sound ever.

Still 1-0 Oilers

3rd Period

Cue the music:

Me, literally every time McDavid touches the biscuit:


HE. CANNOT. BE. CAUGHT. Connor’s getting faster. Straight up. It’s terrifying. He clocked in at ~41 km/h on that one. Do you realize how fast that is? Daddy would have been ticketed in a school zone for going at that speed. It’s disgusting. Live look at TJ Brodie:

Calgary has to watch this for the next NINE years at least, possibly longer, assuming his genetic mutation does not begin to slow down with age. Show me the celly!

Paying homage to Georges Laraque with the YEG Leap. Love that.

That goal was basically the moment that I realized I’d be heading home without my lid. We had some fun, buddy. Thanks for the one short year:

In all honestly my hat was tossed and out of my hand the moment that Leon poked it through to a wide open Daddy in the slot. He could have fanned on the shot and there would have been a hat on the ice. But of course, he wouldn’t. MVPs don’t fan on hatty goals.

Connor 3, Calgary 0. FINAL! FIRST PLACE IN THE PAC!!


Waking up this morning undefeated in first place with Connor tied for the league lead in goals and points and the Iceman leading the league in shutouts like:

Calgary’s “solid” game plan against McDavid appeared to work swimmingly.

L-O-L when the DJ played “Bodies” by Drowning Pool as all the hats literally rained down on the Flames!!!!

Amen, Wanye.

I wore my favourite Oilers lid to the game. What an idiot I am. Did I think I was going home with it? I don’t even know. It’s like I’m not even cognizant of the fact that the living embodiment of Hockey Jesus plays for the fellas. Now I need a new Oilers lid.

Worth it. Fuck that hat anyways. When people ask me what it’s like to have Connor McDavid:

History: Connor has now joined Radim Vrbata as the only two players after WWII to record a natural hat trick in a season opener.

More history? Sure. Connor’s now 1st all time in team history for most hat tricks in the opening game of the season (1). Liam Reddox is now in a 525-way tie for 2nd (0).

MORE HISTORY, Connor tied Taylor Hall and Jimmy Carson for the 2nd most goals before the age of 21 in team history (49). In a surprising twist, it’s actually Wayne Gretzky who leads the team in this category (167!!!!).

Has anybody seen this little man? He went missing yesterday. Please @ us if you have any information:

You’ll be surprised to know that Matt Tkachuk is still a gigantic asshole of a bum.

Todd’s suit was maybe the only thing hotter than Connor McDavid last night:

In case you ever wondered if Todd fucked, there’s your answer.

Kailer’s first game went pretty much exactly how I pictured it would be. He looked off, and nervous. And that’s expected. He’ll bounce back on the road in Vancouver.

Zack Kassian might have been the Oilers third best forward, and that’s not even really a stretch or an insult to the other forwards. He was dominant.

Hot Tweets from the Night

Who do you think is Dawn’s favourite team? I’ll give you ONE guess (hint: blatant grammatical error in the team’s name, rhymes with Scmaple Beefs):


I wish she were done. I wish I could say Dawn plugged in her phone, put her pjs on, crawled into a miserable sleep, woke up, and never spoke a word about Connor again. I cannot say that:

She doesn’t see his vision or creativity… what the actual? I mean… I just… hmmmm…



Okay. I’ve sat on it. Normally I have some sort of bullshittingly outrageous metaphor for things like these, but for this one I just can’t. I can’t come up with anything excessively melodramatic because if you can’t see Connor McDavid’s creativity or vision, maybe two of his three best assets, then you actually might be blind. Straight up. No joke, no exaggeration. Literally, blind. Not seeing two of the three greatest parts of Connor’s McGame would essentially be the equivalent of stepping in front of a mirror and not being able to see your own fucking reflection. Could somebody in the higher ups of government and FBI please, for the love of humanity, flag our girl Dawn Marie as a high risk threat to society? This is the kind of sociopathic ideology of a person who is legitimately on her way and/or already is an actual detriment to society.

Gator’s Grinder of the Game

Easy. Zack Kassian forever.

Most Outstanding Player

Look at this quote:

A) Suck it, Calgary. B) Guy passes on the credit 100% of the time, all of the time. He’s just incredible. Spectacular on the ice, as humble as hell in front of the camera. For the record, the blue line did play very well. Oscar Klefbom is near perfect. Adam Larsson played exceptional. Matt Benning continues to surprise. All is well.