Game Day Blog 26: The Centre of the Universe is Here, Leafs @ Oilers

Ugh, these guys. Fuck Nazem Kadri with an industrial sized rototiller.

Tonight’s Opponent: Ughhh:

Their Record: Ugghhhh. 16-9-1, 33 points

Our Record: Ugggghhhhhhhh: 10-13-2, 22 points

What do they have? Ugggghghghghghgh. I can’t handle them, their city, their fans, their shit. None of it. I can’t. They are the New York Yankees if the New York Yankees controlled the media narrative of their entire country.

They defininitely do not have two things: (1) a grammatically correct team name, and (2) Connor McDavid, like some of their pundits had so proudly predicted. It’s almost been three years, and McDavid just signed a gigantic contract with the not Toronto Maple Leafs, much to the probable disappointment of Kenneth Lam aka the architect behind what was quite honestly the worst article ever written:

Yes, the prophet fortuneteller that was Kenneth Lam once put together a thesis paper for the Hockey Writers that articulated exactly how Toronto would be able to land Connor McDavid, months before he even played his first game as an Oiler. The article included, and I’m not paraphrasing here, this especially piping hot nuclear take:

While there is no absolute guarantee, all signs point to the fact that McDavid will be an impact player in the NHL.

BIG if true. Anyways so two years and four months later and Connor has a Hart Trophy and borderline singlehandedly took the worst non-Cleveland Browns franchise in sports history into the playoffs for the first time in practically forever AND signed an absolutely THUNDEROUS contract that will keep the poor goddamn soul in Edmonton until he’s 29-years-old. Also, K-dog Lam is now writing for a site that no longer exists:

 

You fucking idiot.

On the ice, the Leafs are steamrolling through opposing teams and scoring goals at just a massive pace. They lead the league in goals for (92) and are clicking at a ridiculous 3.54 goals per game, second only to Tampa. Oh and my namesake, Sir Brendan Shanahan, just absolutely murdered us in cold blood:

Just as his Leafs arrive in Edmonton, too. Savage. Goddamn savage.

Of course, it doesn’t help the fact that as of this morning, New Jersey has somehow turned Adam Larsson and Adam Henrique into Taylor Hall and Sami Vatanen. So the Devils flipped a career 0.564 points per game player into a real life talented NHL defenseman? I thought there was a price you had to pay?! Has everything been a LIE?! For those wondering, Adam Henrique has a $2 million less cap hit than Jordan Eberle, who is a career 0.753 points per game player and who was traded for a third liner.

Whatever.

Auston Matthews is a very good hockey player who has a shot that actually terrifies me. There. The first step is admitting it.

What do we have? UGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!:

 

So LB gets the start against a team that scores basically at will. I can’t even enjoy my boy Jesse on the first line knowing that there’s a definite possibility that we might get obliterated by the Leafs, at the Rog, in front of approximately 14,000 of their own fans.

Optimist payroll Bob coming through, though:

Yes, Cam will probably only miss two games and the IR move was probably to refrain from having to send down one of Jesse or Slepy as those are the only two non-waiver forwards on the roster. That said, I realllllyyyyyyyy wish we had the Iceman in goal for both of our next two games. Two of the most important games of the year as far as verbal punishment is concerned.

I guess it’s a win-win for us though? Right? Like, if we get blown out we can say they did it because they played our backup goalie? Or if we barely lose we’ll say they barely beat us sans Cam? OR, even better, if we win…

LITERALLY NEVER LET THEM STOP HEARING ABOUT IT HAHAHA fuck it we got this. Lines are the same as yesterday’s practice:

Power play will be interesting tonight. We watched units that had Khaira on PP1 (HAHAHA hell) and Lucic on PP2 and sometimes Jesse on PP2 and so ya, who knows.

Did you know? The last person ever to be executed by guillotine happened 10 years after the Leafs won their last Stanley Cup.

Prediction: In LB we trust?

I… I believe… I believe I can fly… believe I can fly… I can fly… fly… Space Jam. Great movie. Oilers win 7-6. McDavid with 8. At some point, after Connor burns him for the schfifteenth time in the first period, Nazem Kadri has a massive spastic attack that jolts through his entire body and causes his stick to hit the face of some random rink attendant. He then tries to take a shot at our boy, because of course he does, and Zack Kassian skates over the Leafs bench and tries to stab him with his skate like a young Happy Gilmore. A brawl ensues.

Also Jesse will score tonight. That’s my guaranteed prediction. Take it to the bank. Let’s fucking go.

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