After the Game Blog: Jesse Shoot and Score and Get It On Net, But Oilers Lose Because Life Isn’t Fair

Goddammit hell that was like this close to being the perfect game. After Daddy scored (POWER PLAY!!) I texted Hank and in all caps typed how I was feeling purely ecstatic. Literally hyperventilating as I typed. You’re telling me that Jesse and Connor scored in the exact same game, and I can’t enjoy because Oscar Klefbom was on vacation for four goals and Pat Maroon took an idiotic offensive zone penalty and Leon Draisaitl lagged five to nine seconds behind the live feed all game?

Ya know what fuck it, I’m gonna enjoy it anyways because it’s Saturday and McDiddy scored and Jesse was en all kinds of fuego.

1st Period

Rick Nash, who I nearly forgot about but shouldn’t have because every time he plays the Oilers he gets a million points, opened the scoring on what was just an outrageous defensive attempt by the Oilers:

So Oscar Klefbom just sort of did nothing productive to stop the play. I would have taken a Russel-fish there to at least show some sign of life. Instead it looked like his controller died at about the top of the circle and he just floated aimlessly back, with no direction or purpose or motive whatsoever. Also guilty of first degree bullshit was Pat Maron, who hustled back until around the blue line, at which point he just sort of glided into an empty space as well. No need to catch up to a man there, I guess.

Luckily, heaven lent us an angel:

I’m not exaggerating when I say that this might have been the proudest moment in my entire life. I mean, I haven’t really ever accomplished shit, and so there’s not really that much to choose from, but I’m telling ya, for me, that moment was right up there with being the one-time fastest sperm champion as some of the greatest things I’ve ever achieved. Did my constant belovedism and tire-pumpingness help Jesse score that goal? Who’s to say? Tomato tomato. Point is, welcome the fuck back, Jesse Puljujarvi.

That shift was actually magnificent. He forechecked his way to the boards, applied pressure, created a turnover, chipped the puck to Nuge, got himself open, then unleashed fucking HELL behind Hank Lundqvist.


Jesse forever, baby.


2nd Period

Still buzzing from the Jesse Puljujdaddy first period YAHTZEE when Connor reminded me of Connor:

Mmmmm yes, yes. A power play goal!!

And just when you think the boys have this game by the bull’s hog, life occurs:

Back to back New York goals just three minutes and 40 seconds apart, both on the power play. If the plays looked identical it’s because the essentially were. On the first goal, Eric Gryba chased the goddamn Hobbit all the way back to the blue line, and Buchnevich (I told you so) was able to sneak into the open area. Klefbom is still looking for who he should be covering.

Then, on the second one, after a downright miserable clearing attempt. SOMEHOW (I know how) Rick Nash was left all the fuck alone in the corner, and just casually strolled to the area he needed to be for the wide open tap in. Oscar was at the blue line on that one. Also, I’d love to point out, this play potentially never would have had a chance of happening if Patrick Maroon didn’t unnecessarily elbow a Ranger in the jibs, in the offensive zone.

I’m being hard on them, I know, but Christ.

3-2 Rangers

3rd Period

Leon missed about three different chances to tie the game after a Connor McSetup was gift wrapped for him to bury but hey, onto tomorrow amiright??

Oh and Grabner launched an empty netter from the red line. There was virtually no pressure in the final two minutes because nobody other than Connor seemed capable of getting the puck out of our zone.

Onto tomorrow.

4-2 Rangers, final




And his interview was, as per usual, a gift from the gods. Jesse Speaking should be a Netflix Original Series.

Kinda stinks we lost tho.

Really upsetting especially considering I thought this was maybe our best game of the road trip, minus a few players.

This basically sums up the emotions right now:

Ya know LB is probably starting against the Caps tomorrow. Iceman has played sensational and goddamn he deserves a break. He’s on pace to play 81 games.

Ryan Strome derped and whiffed all over the puck in the slot roughly five times.

How is Nurse not the defenseman of Todd’s choice for the final two minutes in a trailing one or two goal game? He’s, at this stage in the year, the only one that can move the puck with confidence and skill out of our zone, he has a good shot, he makes solid plays and passes… I just don’t know.

Ugggggggh I really wanted to celebrate this one with all of you.

Our penalty kill is a trash heap.

Nuge’s line was terrific though, for the first time all year I felt confident that two of our lines could score.

Seriously, Jesse’s interview was sensational. If you haven’t heard it yet, find it. I’ll give you a brief transcript to show you what you’re looking at:

Gene: (Very, very slow) First off, what’s it like to get the call to come back to the Edmonton Oilers?

Jesse: Pretty good. Uh. Was fun. And and. New York Rangers good team. Pretty fun to come play here. And. Nice.

Gene: (Even slower, somehow) What did you think of your goal?

Jesse: I only shoot and score… then, you score… then will come.

I thank the world every day for giving us Jesse Puljujarvi. Also, this was sent to me during the intermission and I nearly died:

YUP THAT’S JESSE FROM BACK IN THE DAY ROCKING A SAVAGE MULLET!!! His face has literally not changed at all. Same big ol’ goofball smile. That’s absolutely incredible. Shout out to Tom for digging this gem up. Jesse definitely, most certainly, without any sort of question at all, fucks.

Hottest Tweet of the Day

Every time we lose, no matter how shitty and terrible and horrendous our defensive breakdowns are in front of the Iceman, there will always — GUARANTEED ALWAYS — be one imbecile that stings it on Cam’s shoulders:

Um, Dallas? If we’d pick up our defensive assignments, you know, like one time, maybe then Cam wouldn’t have to stretch out for a desperation save every time he plays. Hell.


Honestly, I didn’t think Looch played all that shitty tonight. He was constantly mucking in the crease, and his line was definitely the best line out there. Give it to the Looch Bear.


Oh this is maybe the easiest award I’ve ever handed out:

Love that the camera could pan to Jesse at any moment in the game or on the streets or in the locker room and there’s a 98% chance his tongue will be out. I never, ever want him to change. He is perfect. God bless.