Game Day Blog 24/82: The “Bad Chiarelli Trades” Bowl, Oilers @ Bruins

I’ll tell you this, those are absolutely not the evil eyes and shit-eating grin on the man I’d trust to make our next trade and/or sign our next free agent. That’s the face of a man who wants to watch this world burn.

Tonight’s Opponent: Boston Bruins

So in the span of six years, the Boston Bruins have traded the following assets:

  • Blake Wheeler, RW (720 career GP, 539 career pts, 0.749 career ppg)
  • Tyler Seguin, C (531 career GP, 450 career pts, 0.847 career ppg)
  • Johnny Boychuk, D (552 career GP, 165 career pts, 0.299 career ppg)

And this it literally all they have to show for them:

  • Brandon Carlo
  • Ryan Lindgren

They traded 1,803 career games and 1,154 career points for Brandon Carlo and something called Ryan Lindgren. The man responsible for this unfathomable fuckery is our General Disappointment. That Seguin trade video was painful to watch. Cringeworthy shit.

Their Record: 10-7-4, 24 points

Our Record: 8-13-2, 18 points

Arizona is three points behind us again. Seriously good stuff. We play them on Tuesday in what could very well potentially be a game for last overall.

What do they have? Boston is, by far, the most injured team in the NHL. I’m looking up and down their roster and I’ve honestly heard of maybe eight of their forwards. Some of these names are baffling:

Normally I’d eat this shit up, laugh at the hilarity of names like Noel Acciari or Sean Kuraly but the B’s have six more points than us and the Oil have just shattered all of my emotions. I am emotionless right now. I’m practically a robot.

Former Oilers first round tire fire Riley Nash is still playing NHL hockey. Nash never played a game for the Oil. I can’t blame that one on Chiarelli because he wasn’t here back in 2007. We had three picks in the 2007 first round and all of them no longer play for the Oilers. One guy plays for Team South Korea. This fucking franchise.

What do we have? Holy smokes.

Jesse’s out.

Jesse’s game has, by no means, been perfect. Kid’s got an absolute bazooka of a weapon but maybe his puck handling isn’t the best thing in the world:

He is, without question, an enigma. I don’t think he’ll ever be a player that can drive his own line. He’s not a puck carrier. But my god can he pull the trigger. And he loves to pull the trigger. I think if you stick him on a line with someone who can drive the play, like McDavid or like Draisaitl, it will simplify his game and open up space for him to get open. And that’ll legit be all he has to do: get open. Just find an open area on the ice and unleash the cannon. I have no idea why we haven’t tried this. It literally cannot get worse.

Instead, our 19-year-old fourth overall pick will be watching the game with press box popcorn because Iiro Pakarinen hasn’t done nothing in a while. Mike Cammalleri, who was traded for arguably the most irrelevant asset on our team, is playing on the first line. The reigning MVP will be playing with the ghost of Mike Cammalleri and Milan Boat Anchor today, because we’re determined to find out if it’s possible to slow down the fastest player in NHL history.

Cam starts.

Did you know? Assuming the Colts will blow this 4th quarter lead that I’m currently watching, and assuming the Stampeders win the Grey Cup, AND assuming we don’t beat Sean Kuraly’s Boston Bruins during our millionth matinee of the year, it will end up being just an all time brutal sports day for your boy.

Oh and the 50/50 carried over from the St. Louis game last week so all of a sudden Arizona on a Tuesday became substantially more interesting. Nobody does 50/50 carry overs like Edmonton does 50/50 carry overs.

Prediction: Ya right. Oilers win 5-3. Connor miraculously gets three points. Nuge gets two and Chia gets excited and trades him for bigger washrooms.