Game Day Blog 29/82: Christ, Here We Go Again, Oilers @ Canadiens

I’m watching soccer (!!!!)!! Yes, it’s MLS Cup day and TFC’s playing Seattle for the second year in a row (I’m a big TFC fan for one day of the year, in case you didn’t know). I do not get this sport. It’s so simple and yet it confuses me. Like how Chiarelli must feel when building a team around Connor McDavid.

I have no idea how I just paralleled those two things.

The Oilers return to action after another few days off. You’d think this team would be rested and motivated, and want to come out with a strong road performance against a fairly beatable team. You’d think. These, however, are the 2017-18 Edmonton Oilers.

Tonight’s Opponent: Montreal Canadiens

Their Record: 13-13-4, 30 points. Average, but they’ve picked up points in seven of their last 10.

Our Record:

What do they have? For two years in a row, Montreal has started off borderline historically strong and then ultimately pissed on their food. Last year, the team had an impressive six point lead on the next closest Atlantic team, and then they fired their head coach. We should embrace Habs culture. It might be the only professional hockey organization more dysfunctional than we are. Think about that. The Leafs and Canucks have their shit together and both the Oilers and Canadiens have derped all their good assets into virtually nothing.

Say hello to Marc Bergervin:

That is a grown ass adult hiding behind a plant as he walks by the media. He’s responsible for all the shitfuckery that has taken place in Montreal over the last six years. The architect behind trading PK Subban for a 31-year-old defenseman who makes $7.85 million until the sun explodes. Marc fired the team’s analytics guy, much to the probable delight of Marc Spector, after he begged them not to trade PK Subban. Watch in three years when Subban is hoisting the Cup on Teeps’ Preds and Shea Weber is still making infinity dollars despite skating like Zdeno Chara in wet concrete. That’ll be something. He also traded a 19-year-old defenseman who has six goals and 19 points in 28 games with Tampa Bay in exchange for a disgruntled center who has five goals and 17 points. And that’s not even a knock on Drouin. I really like Drouin. It just boggles my damn mind thinking about how many offensively gifted, young defenseman he’s been allowed to trade without being canned immediately. Tampa landed Sergachev for Drouin and we picked up Adam Larsson for Taylor Hall. Imagine that.

Elsewhere on the ice, this team is fucking useless garbage trash. Ales Hemsky, who is my favourite Oiler of all time, is made of spun sugar. Montreal’s been trying to land Hemmer for years and finally acquired the man after his right hip got relocated to his lower torso. I checked to see what line my boy Hemmer would be playing on tonight, only to see he wasn’t on their starting roster. “Is he a healthy scratch?” I wondered. Then I scrolled down to the injury list, and found my boy stuffed safely in his home element. Also the sun is bright. Max Pacioretty is essentially the only forward on their team with an offensive bone is his body so naturally he’s on the second line. He’s struggling this year so there are rumours swirling everywhere that Bergevin, the imbecile, is looking to deal the American captain. I can’t wait to see what they don’t get for him. Peter should pick up the phone, actually. This might be the only GM we could win a deal against. Andrew Shaw is their first line right winger so that should make you feel better about our depth on the right side. They traded David Desharnais to us so they could put Brandon Davidson on waivers for us to inevitably claim. For all I know Lil’ Dave is disguised as a peewee hockey player somewhere in rural Quebec, so it’s like that trade never even happened.

Carey Price is a fucking netminding mutant and he never gives up goals against the Oilers in Montreal.

What do we have? Any thought of Ryan Strome being healthied tonight was dumped immediately as Tony Time will be out of the lineup for yet another game so Strome can do absolutely nothing memorable in about 15 minutes of ice. One can only assume that Peter recognized Mr. Eberle is on pace to light up 35 goals this year and threatened Todd with his life if he healthy scratched Strome and cap space in the same game.

And so here we go. 185-year-old Michael Cammalleri will probably play on the second line tonight so our 23-year-old Russian who loves to shoot can be busy not shooting any pucks for an offensively depleted hockey team because he’s putting back press box popcorn for like the 15th time this year.

The good news, however, is that human forklift Eric Gryba will be in the press box with Tony tonight because Brandon Davidson is set to make his return to the Oilers lineup for the first time since being dealt to Montreal last year. Davey was a pretty well-liked guy in Edmonton and he can actually move and shoot the puck so this is refreshing. I’m actually not terrified to have him and Auvitu on the same pair. Them’s puck movers.

LB gets the call, meaning he will either get back-to-back starts this weekend or we’re about 24 hours away from dipping Nick Ellis in fresh blood and dumping him into the middle of the ocean for the sharks to annihilate. In news related to everyone’s hopes and prayers, Cam skated today and apparently he felt “darn good.” I’m darn happy about how that sounds.

Did you know? People actually think the Oilers need to be more physical in order to win games:

YES GOOD HITTING STRONG GRITTY HOCKEY OR ELSE WE’LL LOSE EVERY GAME (The Edmonton Oilers lead the league in hits, we’re in 29th).

There will be a day where some incompetently mouth breathing delusional shit stick criticizes McDavid for not throwing the body enough, because Edmonton.

Prediction: I have no idea. Let’s go 3-2 Oilers. I dread watching this game for three hours.

Jesse with one.