Morning After Blog: Unadulterated Ecstasy

What an erotic display of a hockey game. The Nightmare at Nationwide, as Columbus will remember it. Just your red hot, playoff determined, chip on our shoulder Edmonton Oilers casually strolling into a place that many felt would be a virtual lock for an inevitably boring loss and flat out fucking abolishing the Columbus Blue Jackets on their home ice. ‘Lumbus has been practically unbeatable at home this year. They have the second best home record, next to Tampa, and employ a tendy who was put on this planet specifically for stopping all the pucks. And then they ran into the goddamn nuclear missile that is the early-to-mid-December Edmonton Oilers. We’re now one of two (2) teams in the league that has scored a touchdown or more in three games this year, joining the flourishing meadows of Winnipeg in that promising category. Fuck ya, fam.

Mark my goddamn words, you heard it here first: I don’t care how bad Chia has butchered this roster, so long as Connor McDavid is wearing an Edmonton Oilers sweater this is a playoff team. This team will make the playoffs. There shall be some shitilatingly terrible pill-pounding losses we take between now and our first round matchup against (Pacific Division team not named Arizona), I also promise you that. But Connor McRIGHTBEHINDSTAMKOSANDKUCHEROV is on a mf mission right now, and he’s carrying this team back to glory with him. I swear it. We’re officially back.

1st Period

Any concerns about the fellas not picking up where they left off after two dominating performances against Toronto and Montreal were quickly put to bed following what was essentially puck drop. We came out absolutely goddamn blazing, and were rewarded with a hardworking and helluva good goal by the hottest fourth line in hockey:

Kassian, the lunatic, who I proudly declared would score in this game, and who now has six points in his last 10 games – one less than Auston Matthews AND Jack Eichel, FFS – got the team on the board with a good, non-challenged hockey goal.

I’d like to point out that it was officially Tony Time again right before that went in. That spectacular man created the turnover and fed a nice little soft pass to Marky Mark, before Mark ultimately dragged Jack Johnson out of his bankrupt jockstrap and gifted Kass with a breezy little goal. Tony Time, baby. Do not healthy scratch this man. Do not trade this man for a spare tire. He is GOOD.

1-0 Oilers.

2nd Period

PSA: Absolutely do not trade Ryan Nugent-Hopkins either:

That was the most efficient and yet simultaneously lethal wrist shot I’ve seen in a while, minus Jesse’s “off the c-bar rocket-launched Stark Industry nuke” from Montreal, of course. But this one actually counted. With goddamn authority, baby Nuge! I can see him growing into a young and dangerous hockey man before my eyes, it’s beautiful.

Seriously, that was a “fuck you” shot. I love it. Try to tell me this team is not angry. We can probably actually thank Spector for that.

Anyways.

Connor’s first of four points came on this murderous rush up the ice:

Look at this shit:

FOUR Blue Jackets basically on top of the puck carrier. Look at Matty Benning – great St. Albert kid, friend of the blog – just waiting patiently for the McGod to dish him back the puck. All he had to do was get open and fire a floater right between Bob’s Vezina winning legs for his second point of the game, and 8th of the season. Jesse with the ultimate “I’m here, only if you want it!” play as McDavid flew by like a hypersonic aircraft. Stick on the ice though, just like a good kid.

And McDavid wasn’t even close to finishing Columbus. Here’s Columbus, trying to generate a chance before the end of the frame, maybe get some momentum heading into the third, and then BAM. Turns out they took a play right out of the idiot playbook and sent three men down low on a PK with McDavid on the ice:

Ya, no. Naturally you’re fucked eight ways from yesterday if you try to do that. You could almost feel Torts’ wrath from the couch, thousands of miles away from Columbus Oh-hi-OHHHHHHH MY LORD WE DID IT AGAIN:

Who was watching the time?!

That smile makes it move. This is me, every time I see Connor smiling like he’s Jesse Puljujarvi:

I could watch clips of Connor emphatically smiling that that for years, thinking of both the unparalleled feelings of warmth and love drifting through my being and of how utterly pathetic and humiliating Steve Simmons and Michael Farber are. You idiot bums. The Reporters was officially cancelled by TSN on October 29th, and as it turns out, Connor McDavid is the opposite of unhappy in Edmonton.

5-0 LOL WHAT?

Connor and Jesse’s Period

We spotted Columbus two goals because whatever, and in a successful attempt at convincing them that they had a chance at coming back, we thus opened up their game for sheer and complete exposure. Here is what felt like our millionth trillionth odd man rush of the game:

David Savard ripped back to cover Jesse but honestly what was even the point? There is nothing you can do to contain the big man in front of the net like that. The only thing that can stop Jesse is Jesse and probably pizza. But he’s actually his own weakness. The sky is the limit for this magnificent being, born to rule the ice in ways that involve shooting and scoring and shooting and good things that then happen afterwards, or whatever. Also he certainly, undeniably, most absolutely fucks.

One more for the road? Ya. Sure. One more for the road…

Jesse blitzing up the ice at a speed that even I have yet to see from the Derp Man, then feeding a pass to the now-solely in third points leader of the NHL for his first goal and fourth point of the game. Absolutely haul it in your face, Columbus.

Final score: Oilers 7, Columbus 2

Thoughts

Lol we’ve scored six or more goals in three of our last five games.

At this rate we’re going to need a team touchdown celebration.

This guy is an interesting adult man:

Try sticking your tongue that far. Try it. I dare you. It’s impossible. You can’t. I’ve tried roughly 50 times. The farthest I get is the top of my moustache. What an enigma. He’s something else, something not human, perhaps. I don’t know. But I love it.

“Hello, Kucherov and Stamkos, I want to play a game…”

One, two Daddy’s coming for you. Three, four better lock your door…

This is the horror film 30 other teams did not want to see.

Smell you literally never again, Gaudreau.

Jesse has five points in his last five games (3G, 2A) with 13 shots, and he hasn’t played a lick of power play.

Nuge is on pace for something like 32 goals this year, so is Connor. Both would be career highs.

Like Kassian, Mark Letestu has been smoking hot. He has eight points in his last seven games. That’s three less than what Sam Bennett has this entire year.

Torts’ press conference lasted approximately 15 seconds. Told the media he has nothing to say about the game and left. That’s vintage Torts.

Oh my God we’re back. Nashville tomorrow BABY!

Hottest Take of the Night:

Americans just love hoping ACLs get torn. Just ask everyone who celebrated the Wentz injury. Kassian does not wish to miss that game, I promise you. He might eat Dubinsky.

GGG

Jujhar Khaira, who has been playing absolutely insane of late, and who deserves to see the ice every single night from this point on. He took a beating from Foligno in the name of his teammates. That’s the type of guy who can play on my roster every night. Vegas passed on Khaira so they could take Griffin Reinhart.

MOP

Oh please. Daddy forever.


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