SUPER Hungover After Blog: We Almost Blew It But Didn’t And Also Inject Jesse Into My Veins

Confirmed: This guy FUCKS.

I’m so, soooooooooooooo hungover. Such is life following the latest installment of “Calgary Can’t Beat Us.” Also maybe start Nick Ellis against Philly considering they haven’t won since I think they beat us basically and my god LB nearly gave me necrotizing fasciitis last night. Naturally don’t let in all the goals in the third period of a blowout against our biggest rivals and also DEFINITELY do not let Sam Bennett score twice you goddamn humongous nincompoop.

1st Period

WHO’S FUCKING?

YOU ARE JESSE!! YOU ARE!! Here’s the goal too, sure:

That’s my boy. Who would have thought that putting a gigantic goofball who loves to shoot and go to the net on the first line would be a good thing, that’s so weird amiright? If only I had been calling for that since EASTERS. The Big Rig had one called back because reasons but it didn’t matter because MY GOD AGAIN!!

Me:

And then the rest of the game happened.

Final Score: 7-5

Thoughts

Full disclosure I did not make any gifs last night and I am absolutely feeling it today so that’s why there was nothing else but also who needs to even show any more of the goals when Jesse did it all in the first anyways? I know that was more than enough for me.

THEY CAN’T BEAT US!!!!!

Where were all these goals when Cam was in net?

I have puked roughly 15 times today.

Cassie Campbell said “shit” lololol:

Life is incredible. Sometimes you tee up a bullet and launch it directly into your own net and then the very next game whatever dickhead Hockey God exists goes, “Yea, that was really rude of me to let that happen so here you go:”

God is truly woke. I’m assuming the entire population of Calgary laughed at our face after Russell demolished that puck into our net. Irony, fuckers. Karma hates you.

Yesterday marked the second time in two years that we’ve dropped a touchdown (plus the PAT) on Calgary and Connor only had one point.

I need a Jesse Puljujarvi jersey more than I needed water when I woke up this morning.

BLOODBATH:

And there could have been more yesterday too. Jesse had a wide open cage for the hatty and I think got as excited as we all were and panicked and kind of shoved the puck back into Smith’s pads. Cammalleri, the appetizer, also had a wide open net and hit the post. We had 14 million breakaways. Best defense in the league.

Davy is home:

I think we all knew this was coming. Gryba played well yesterday but that does not make up for the fact that he’s played like absolute ass in every other game this year.

For what it’s worth, we’re now at 49 contracts. Perfect opportunity for another “one for one” deal.

Fuck:

Actually 10/10 sign. I’m not even mad. Flawless execution. Great job, little man. Also Johnny wants to play for the Flyers and your favourite team might move to Houston.

Hottest Takes of the Night

There are a plethora to choose from after a night like last night so I’ll just hand out a couple of awards.

And the award for “Most Random Scapegoat Ever”:

The “Over Reacting Fan of an Above .500 Team of the Game” Award:

“Week” lol Calgary.

The “Sexist Misogynistic Dickhole of the Game” unanimously goes to:

Jesus. Cassie Campbell should not have to lose her job because she is an Oiler-loving b-word, you ignorant idiot. She should lose her job because she is fucking terrible at stringing together words.

She said “shit” hahahaha my god.

GGG

Kass for looking like his knee exploded then coming back and being genuinely awesome again.

MOP

Travesty that he wasn’t interviewed last night. Golden opportunity missed. Jesse for fucking ever. NEVER will forgive Todd for healthy scratching him for a guy that ended up clearing waivers.

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