Game Day Blog 45/82: We Can’t Lose to the Goddamn Coyotes, Oilers @ Coyotes

BIG Friday night:

The 28th place Edmonton Oilers are in Arizona to take on the 31st place Coyotes.

Tonight’s Opponent: Arizona Coyotes

Last time we played them: We won 3-2… at home… in over time…

The Coyotes have 10 wins in January. I repeat, 10 wins. IN JANUARY. Those are Eakins Era numbers. And this is the team that took us to OT inside the Rog Mahal. What a year.

What do they have? 2017-18 has been the year of Gary threatening city councils and provinces/states about the possibility of relocation. He tried it with Calgary. He sort of did it with Ottawa. And, for the first time in history, he did it with his beloved Arizona Coyotes:

It’s ironic and funny that there are three cities (Seattle, Houston, and Quebec City) that are looking for NHL teams, and there are three teams (Calgary, Ottawa, and Arizona) who are having arena difficulties. The problem with relocation threats is that they only work if people give a shit. Ottawa will cave and build a new arena downtown because they’re dumb and stupid and right now the REDBLACKS need some competition as the favourite team in the city, and Calgary will inevitably do something as well so long as they get the Olympics because that arena will never be publicly funded. Gary hard-balling the State of Arizona to build the Coyotes a more accessible arena is akin to asking PETA to hammer a jumbo donair, never mind that the Gila River Arena is practically a landing strip for opposing fans as it functions as both the home of the Arizona Coyotes and a welcoming vacation retreat for the 30 other opposing fan bases. Even Knights Nation walked into Arizona twice and stormed their arena like fucking Normandy and they’re like five minutes old. It’s so bad that they allow Ducks fans to control the decibel level of the barn, and even when they stroll into the desert both fan bases just sort of look at each other and go “meh, whatever.” Therefore, you can take out a mortgage and bet that Oil Country will bring that 28th place heat tonight.

On the ice, who cares.

Apparently Hjalmarsson. Raanta starts in goal and wow he’s been so bad this year. Oh, and the idiots made a trade. Yes, Tony Duclair — the man who was one-punched to the moon by Kassian last year — was dealt to the Blackhawks in exchange for Dick Panik:

There’s the one fan who’s excited to watch Dick play for the Yotes.

What do we have? Oh boy:

So the Pistol, a gigantic turd completely incapable of not making himself look like a total fucking idiot, memos the league yesterday (apparently this is a thing you can do?) about the availability of Tony Slepyshev. Tony is very near and dear and personal to my heart. I love to Tony Time. It’s my favourite thing, next to Jesse unsolicitedly sticking his tongue up his nose. However, was this LEAGUE WIDE EMAIL really necessary? It’s Anton fucking Slepyshev. I love him. I think he’s great. He’s savvy AF. His kid wears creepy spider shirts:

But he’s not exactly a chased commodity. Of course, this set up a BARRAGE of jokes from the hockey world, because Oilers:

My advice: Stop playing a fucking defenseman as a forward instead of a player with great offensive upside, who loves to shoot the puck and possesses a wicked release. Get Tony in the lineup. Showcase him a bit (ideally, you don’t trade him and utilize his talents, but Oilers). Then trade him for what will undoubtedly be a loss. Also don’t trade him to Garth Snow. The deal will start with Slepyshev for de Haan and end with us sending Nuge to the Islanders for Cal Clutterbuck.

The Iceman cometh. He was brilliant against Nashville. The team was not. We might start Montoya against Vegas, because they’re beating everybody else anyways, so why not beat us too?

Also, I’m tired of getting stiffed by the refs. Enough of this shit. Last game, the Big Rig was speared in his cojones and Connor McDavid had an opposing player’s stick attached to his hip basically every time he was on the ice and we had ONE power play: a blatant interference call in the neutral zone. And then four seconds later they gave us another penalty to negate that power play anyways. Reminder: THIS WAS NOT A PENALTY:

But Khaira gently pushing Kulikov was absolutely called. The NHL: You can blow up a player’s knee cap but GODDAMN YOU IF YOU PUT YOUR HANDS ON THE PLAYER WHO DID IT. I know we stink. I know the refs are not the reason we’re in 28th. I know that Woodcroft’s power play blows so many chunks that it really doesn’t matter anyways. But I’d like the game to be called fair, and according to the rule book. That’s not asking for much, that’s asking the officials to do their jobs.

Did you know? I will personally send maybe three or four of these guys to PyeongChang to join the rest of the former Oilers on Team Canada if they shit the sheets against Arizona tonight. Caggiula would look great in that hideous uniform.

Prediction: If they play like the did against Nashville then we should have no problem kicking the teeth out of Arizona tonight. If they play like they did in any of the other games in 2018, excluding Anaheim, then they’ll get their butts whooped by one of the worst teams in NHL history. Let’s hope it’s the former. If it’s the latter, then fuck it, it is a Friday. Let’s get messy. 4-1 Oilers. Whatever.