Game Day Blog 46/82: It’s Daddy’s Birthday in Vegas so Godspeed, Oilers @ Golden Knights

Ohhhhhhh baby. What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. I don’t care if you have a picture of Connor dancing naked on the roulette table at The Bellagio at like 7 in the morning, I don’t want to see pictures. I won’t buy anything. This is his trip with the boys, and they’re going to go out tonight. That’s inevitable. Completely unavoidable. There’s a better chance of a ballistic missile attack on Hawaii than the boys keeping it casual after the game. There will be drinks (except Kassian, O’Doul’s and darts bay baaaay). There will be gambling. There will be other unspeakable things that none of us should care about because these guys are young and everybody except Jesse will be having fun at probably Hakkasan or XS or somewhere. Let it rip, boys.

Oh there’s a game too and it’s a divisional one and we’re about 100 miles out of the playoffs so a win would be the cherry on top of Connor’s birthday cake.

Tonight’s Opponent: Vegas Golden Knights

My God look at that timeline. It took them all of one period and like three minutes to realize who their Daddy was. They could win out and stomp all over teams for the rest of the year but they still know who runs this division and that’s what’s most important, really. Fuck this team and their stupid goddamn white gloves.

Their Record: Yikes

Our Record: Ahhh

Last time we played them: Complete and utter domination. Live look at Vegas before the game:

And live look at them after the game:

What do the Knights have: You stupid, dumb, overachieving idiots. Everyday I wake up and thoroughly look forward to the Knights plummeting back down to Earth, and everyday I go to bed more and more disappointed after they beat like fucking St. Louis 2-1. What in the name of the Spearmint Rhino is happening here? This team was supposed to be everyone’s tap in. That go to 3 am not-so-risky text because you know it’s always a sure thing. You’re guarantee. Your slump buster. Whatever you want to call it, that’s what they were. And then these assholes decided to be good. Like, no. No no no no no. I learned from about 56 episodes of Oil Change that you need to suck for a long time in order to be good again. That’s what Lowe and Katz and Tambo and everybody told me. Are you calling them liars? You’re not supposed to come in here, in your first year, and “take it to the limit” while the teams that have paid their dues continue to derp and hurp at the bottom of the barrel. And this newcomer has come in and… steals the show. That’s not how this works. What a load of bullshit.

Vegas flat out annihilating the league in their first year with their David Perron’s and Billy Karlsson’s and fucking Deryk “the boat anchor” Engelland’s is proof that God is not real, he never was, he never will be, and the Bible is a scam. I’m sorry I’m not sorry, but if there was a God, he would hate everything there is about Vegas and put a permanent curse on their team. It’s a city that operates on drugs and alcohol and pumping oxygen into facilities and sex and drugs again and yet they’re the second best team in the league? Come the hell on. People, present company included, thought about the potential disaster it would be to allow 23 adrenaline-induced millionaires into the craziest place on Earth for 8-10 months, and yet the biggest problem they have faced is a parachute division of the army is threatening to sue them over their team name. FOH.

Also, Griffin Reinhart called, he’s still buried in the AHL with no end in sight and wanted to say that the weather in suburban Chicago is cold. Matt Barzal had five points tonight. That’s the second time he’s done that this year. The only other player who has scored five or more points in two or more games this year has been NOBODY.

What do we have? We have Connor’s birthday to celebrate, Edmonton. Approximately 6,000 Oilers fans made the trip to invade the T-Mobile Arena, many of whom bought their tickets at the start of the year probably thinking that the two teams would be at opposite ends of the standings than where they both presently are. Alas, we still suck, and Vegas is the best team in the West.

HOWEVER, did I mention it’s Connor’s birthday? You don’t think he’s fired up to the moon and back for this game? He will demand that he put on a show for the thousands of spectators who have made the trip from tropical Edmonton to go watch an divisional rival attempt to shut him down. And they won’t, because they can’t. They can play against any other team in the league, fine. Whatever. I’m convinced there is nobody on that team who can stop Connor. Colin Miller? Nate Schmidt? Deryk “cement truck” Engelland? BRAD FUCKING HUNT? Right… look, I don’t care where we are relative to each other in the standings, I mentally have it engraved in my head that this expansion team cannot and will not beat us, because of one (now) 21-year-old player who is playing out of his damn mind right now. The last time we played Vegas there wasn’t a single person on that team who came even remotely close to containing him. You throw a birthday on top of that and look out. Sayonara. I don’t even want to know what Leon and the Big Rig and the boys have planned for him after the game because of how emotionally jealous I’ll be, and I’m 7,000 clicks north of them with a BIG night at the local Crown and Tower planned ahead. Nice little Saturday. It’s approximately minus one billion out too. They’re moments away from celebrating a $12.5 million per year athlete’s birthday hahaha okay please god keep them safe.

On the ice, there was no pregame skate because of the game last night, so I’m assuming the bulk of the lineup will remain the same. Talbot gets the start in goal:

And I really hope the Iceman actually comeths for this one.

Did you know? There are actually so many Oilers fans down there today I’m not joking wow. Some ENS fans down there too. Special shout out to Dave and the family, to Hammy and the boys, and anyone else who has travelled down to the Sin City for what I imagine is strictly some casual R ‘n R and nothing too crazy or anything like that. Have fun. Be loud. And also do this please God that would be awesome:

Let ’em hear us, fam. Make the town proud, and let’s go Oilers.

Prediction: We scored eight last time but we played a goalie who has been a career back up and a 19-year-old goalie who I personally guarantee will never play in the NHL ever again. This time we’re playing a three time Cup champion and former first overall pick. Ya. Hell.

But, Vegas is coming off their bye and historically, teams have been miserably bad after their one week break. This is our chance to punish the hell out of them again. 6-3 Oilers. Connor gets three, one for every year he’s been on the Oilers. Connor also gets three shots of Burt right after the game and spends the night being safe and protected by the Rig and Looch and sober Kass because that’s what I’m telling myself will happen. Happy fucking birthday, Daddy. Let’s go.

 

PS – Not saying it will happen but I’m saying if someone gets arrested then look out for this guy:

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