Introducing Your 2018 Team Canada Olympians (Includes 4.5 Former Oilers)

Ya, sex is great and all, but have you ever cheered for a team that had FOUR (and a half) former players make an Olympic roster filled with recycled NHLers and spare parts?! Ladies and gentlemen, fans of the Edmonton Oilers, fans of the KHL, and fans of the Spengler Cup, I present to you, your 2018 Team Canada Olympic Men’s Hockey Roster:

Our last Olympic team (and gold medal winning roster) featured the likes of Sidney Crosby, Carey Price, Drew Doughty, John Tavares, Johnny Toews, etc. The Crosby et al. squad even went on a limb and added players like Danny Hamhuis and Patrick Sharp and Chris fucking Kunitz just to make things interesting, and we still coasted to a gold medal. This year’s team features former NHL names you’ll recognize like Wojtek Wolski, Ben Scrivens, Stefan Elliott, Rene Bourque, Mason Raymond, etc. The Wolski et al. clan even went on a limb and added guys allegedly named Karl Stollery, Mat Robinson, and Maxim Noreau just because there was literally nobody left to choose from. They even asked a couple of CHLers to come play defense for them, and the under 20 hockey players respectfully declined.

Before we dig into analyzing the roster, specifically, the four and a half former Edmonton Oilers who’ll be wearing the diagonally striped Maple Leaf in February, let’s look at what could have been, because fuck your day anyways:

Stamkos – Crobsy – Marchand
Seguin – McDavid – MacKinnon
Hall- Tavares – Benn
Getzlaf – Toews – Giroux
Bergeron
Monahan

Doughty – Burns
Subban – Pietrangelo
Keith – Vlasic
Rielly
Letang

Price
Holtby
Fleury

And that’s just a rough sketch off the top of my head based on who’s healthy and who’s been killing it this year (Scheifele would have made it but we killed him).

So, kids, instead of getting your brand new (and horribly horrendous) 2018 Team Canada Connor McDavid jersey to wear around your school during the Olympic festivities, you can pick and choose from one of these infomercial players:

Goalies:

Justin Peters (DEL), Kevin Poulin (EBEL), Ben Scrivens (KHL)

Ben Scrivens

Oilers Stats: 78 GP, 24-37-11. 3.12 GAA. 0.898 SV%.

You’ll remember Scrivens as the one who made all his saves as an Edmonton Oiler in one game. “The Professor” was “The Poster Child” for our Decade of Darkness netminding. Sure, we had an army of other goalies during that stretch of putrid hockey, but Scrivens was the face of the crease of the DoD. If I made a DoD starting roster, he’d be the starting goalie (oh I just had an idea). Above Khabby. Above Bryz. Above Fasth. It’s Ben forever. Anytime you want to curse Talbot for letting in a goal that went off Adam Larsson’s face, just remember:

One time, Alex Burrows farted, and it was enough to knock Scrivens over and let the puck go into the net. Textbook defense by Keith Aulie in front, covering absolutely nobody and getting the hell out of the way of that shot. It’s an upset that he didn’t make this team.

Battling for his backup will be Kevin Poulin, formerly of the Islanders (Dougie Weight could use an Olympian right now), and Justin Peters, formerly of the Carolina Hurricanes. The three goalies had a combined 90-127-29 NHL record, and none of them had a GAA under 2.90, nor a save percentage above 0.906. We’re in strong hands.

Defense

Great god what in the actual fuck is this:

Stefan Elliott (SHL), Chay Genoway (KHL), Cody Goloubef (AHL), Marc-Andre Gragnani (KHL), Chris Lee (KHL), Maxim Noreau (NLA), Mat Robinson (KHL), Karl Stollery (KHL)

Canada successfully created a blue line that acutely resembles something straight out of a Black Mirror episode, containing names you wouldn’t recognize even if you had a program in front of your face. I’m not entirely sure what’s going on here. I’ve heard of maybe four of these guys. And somehow, miraculously, this is the only position on the team that doesn’t contain any former Oilers. Since there aren’t any of our boys to cover, I guess the easiest place is to start at the top:

Reintroducing former Av’s 8th defenseman, Stefan Elliott. Elliott is a career 0.285 NHL points per game (24 in 84), which is actually higher than Adam Larsson’s 0.237, so we should trade a top six winger for him.

Next up is Chay (yes, “Chay”) Genoway, who is the team’s career point per game NHLer (1 point in 1 game). He’s spent the last four years on four different KHL teams. Guy’s a bit of a suitcase and has a stupid fucking name but we’ll take what we can get.

Cody Goloubef is our resident AHLer on the point. He was once a second round pick of the Blue Jackets before they realized he’s very bad.

Marc-Andre Gragnani? Chris Lee? And something called a Maxim Noreau?

Mat Robinson is missing a ‘T’ but he’s a good Alberta kid and played exactly five and zero AHL and NHL games, respectively.

Karl Stollery actually played 11 games for the Devils last year (three points), probably because they were replacing Adam Larsson. This year he sped over to the KHL for Riga Dynamo in what one could assume was his way of telling the NHL he wants to play for the Olympics. Really stuck it to Gary, Karl Stollery. He’s currently DEVOURING the KHL with 14 points in 46 games. Look out, PyeongChang.

Forwards

Oh here we go, fam:

Rene Bourque (SHL), Gilbert Brule (KHL), Andrew Ebbett (NLA), Quinton Howden (KHL), Chris Kelly (AHL), Bobby Klinkhammer (KHL), Brandon Kozun (KHL), Maxim Lapierre (NLA), Eric O’Dell (KHL), Mason Raymond (NLA), Derek Roy (SHL), Christian Thomas (AHL), Linden Vey (KHL), Wojtek Wolski (KHL)

Bobby Klinks survived camp and made the roster:

Like there was any doubt. My boy, former Edmonton Oilers REGULAR, Bobby Klinkhammer (father of Gunnar) will no doubt be in the top six and will probably actually challenge for an alternate captain (I think Wolski or Roy have the captaincy in the bag). I mean this when I say I will walk into jersey city and buy myself a Klinkhammer Canada jersey before South Korea. You can bet on that. Let’s check out Bob and the rest of the former Oilers:

Gilbert Brule

It’s hard to find an image of the perpetually injured Brule actually playing for the Edmonton Oilers, but I found this hilarious little survey that the Oilers made him fill out, including a question that subjects his choice in women to a particular hair colour. It’s for the kids!

Brule didn’t give the Oilers a single memorable on ice moment, but he will always be remembered as the guy who picked up Bono the literal ONE time that Bono had to hitchhike in his entire rich life.

Early signs that Brule would be a bust-sized bum include him choosing Spider-Man over Batman, a move so indescribably asinine it makes wonder why Bono didn’t stay on that street that had no name instead (had to). He also picked soccer over football so okay there you go this guy’s representing Canada as a hockey player in the Olympics.

Chris Kelly

Oilers Stats: 0 GP, 0-0-0.

Narrator’s voice: “He wasn’t signed…”

Great call, Spec. Here’s the half Oiler I was talking about. Chris Kelly is now playing for the fugazi Olympic team. Peter Chiarelli willingly brought this guy into camp with the intention of potentially giving him a roster spot. I swear I still thought he was practicing with the guys, just waiting for the Pistol to hand him a multi year deal with a NMC.

Sir Robert Klinkhammer

BOB MADE THE TEAM BAY BAAAAAAAY:

Oh my god yes. How I’ve missed Bobby Klinks. Here he is getting absolutely fucking eradicated by Micheal Ferland:

Oilers Stats: 54 GP, 2-2-4.

Never played a full season with the club but did manage four whole points in 54 career games with the orange a blue. We acquired Bob and a first round pick from the Penguins in exchange for David Perron. At the time, we were like, “Wow! Klinkhammer AND a first round pick for Perron?! GREAT TRADE MACT you bold SoB!!” And then the Pistol came in and subsequently traded that first round pick along with a second round pick to the New York Islanders for Griffin Reinhart.

And now we have nothing to show for the Perron trade except that one of the guys we traded him for is an Olympian. Bobby Klinks, baby. Named his son Gunnar.

Derek Roy

Oilers Stats: 46 GP, 11-11-22.

Sneaky not bad when he played for the Oil and really had some great chemistry with Yak Daddy. Thought maybe we’d bring him back after a decently successful 1 B.C. year (also Yak’s best season in the NHL) but it was never meant to be. One of the best threats on Team Canada was let go by the 28th place, 24 win 2014-15 Edmonton Oilers.

And those are your 2018 Canadian Olympic Men’s Hockey players.

Oh, what could have been…

This is great. This is excellent. Because Gary, we might never get to see Crosby and McDavid represent Team Canada together at the Olympics. Well done as always, Gary (and the IOC, fuck them too for this).

PS – I forgot how NASTY the Sochi jerseys were:

So fresh, so clean, so magnificent. What a time, man. God, 2014 was a great run. I remember waking up and getting drunk at ridiculous hours, because the Olys were going, and that’s what we do in Canada. And we looked damn good doing it, on top of that. Just crushed teams on the ice and in team apparel. The Canadian way. This is what Gilbert Brule and the boys will be wearing this year: