Morning After Blog: What a Fucking Nightmare

Holy actual shit. There are no words. I’m not even sure what I’m supposed to do for covering this. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all of this. I don’t know what to say anymore. That was utterly pathetic. They were rightfully booed off the ice after the second. They were booed off the ice for like the final three minutes of the third period. Pathetic. Embarrassing. Disgusting. What a repulsive effort. I feel so bad for anyone who paid money to go watch that absurd attempt of a hockey game. What an absolute joke.

I’ve mentioned this in the past, but I’m very cognizant of the fact that I’m a gigantic sucker. The Oilers and their unprecedented ability to pull me back despite my knowing that, after 26 years of experience, they’ll stab me in the kidney have taken years off my life and triggered emotional trust issues so unrepairable that no amount of therapy could ever correct it. This, despite the fact that I like to regard myself as being, for all intents and purposes, somewhat of a rationally intelligent adult. It’s inexorable. Time is a vicious circle. It’s like there’s this unspoken and yet inescapably binding contract between myself and some sadistic god who craves nothing more than to see my hopes and dreams bloom in some utopian fortress before he inevitably parks a sumo-sized active volcano so close that my fictionally beloved happy space is literally the first point of contact post-eruption. I am bordering on the line of not being able to feel any emotions anymore. Why get excited when the Oilers will ultimately crush your spirit like Shaquille O’Neal’s foot versus a tiny bug? Because dammit, I’m a huge sucker, and the Oilers are my addiction. I seriously think this might require extensive rehab.

Anyways, I’d love to forget about the game and never think about those three wasted hours of my life ever again, but I won’t. Let’s recap!

1st Period

After somewhat of a decent start, the Oilers were rewarded with a power play. On a related note, the Buffalo Sabres were rewarded with the momentum they needed to win the game. One of my favourite moments of this particular power play was when the seven year, $42 million Milan Lucic somehow turned the puck over without actually moving his own feet:

Next it was our turn to kill a penalty.

Fitting that, in Benoit Pouliot’s return, Adam Larsson felt it necessary to honour the Big Poo by taking a ridiculously dumb offensive zone penalty which subsequently put our historically bad home penalty kill to work. Luckily, Buffalo’s power play came in ranked second last in the league. Did that matter? (hint: it did not matter):

As you can see, we really suck at this. Take a look at this screenshot of the gif, and count the bodies in front of Talbot:

As Ristolainen is unloading that missile, the Edmonton Oilers actually out number the Buffalo Sabres by a tally of three to two when it comes to having bodies directly in front of our goalie’s vision. We’re doing the job for other teams. And what is that formation? That’s not a diamond. That’s not a box. It looks like the Little fucking Dipper. We have a triangle right in front of our goalie. Everybody’s to blame here. The coaches. The GM. The players. The owner. You are all the reason we put a tight triangle and a miniature constellation formation in front out of our goalie. Awful hockey.

1-0 not us.

2nd Period

Before anyone had time to buy their severely overpriced Bobby Nick’s burger. Before drown themselves in $60 beer to mask the fact that we got our shit taken to us by Buffalo in the first period. Before anyone had a chance to get back to their seats after waiting in line to get their Instagram picture with those big dumb stupid ass bobblehead things. Before ALL of that, the tied-for-31st Buffalo Sabres made it 2-0:

I have to play this one fair in order to make it at least appear as though I don’t provide any favouritism and/or run this company based entirely on nepotism. So, it breaks my damn heart to say this, but here it goes. Matt Benning blindly and softly dished the puck up the wall, it was immediately turned over and sent back down to Reinhart, and then ultimately it was put in the back of the net because Jesse failed to contain Ryan O’Reilly from burying the rebound that was kicked to outer space. Jesse, Matty, Cam. All on the same play. Life is meaningless.

Look at this picture:

Here, kids, we have defensive expert Adam Larsson pinning Jack Eichel against the boards. As even the terminally blind can see, the puck is nowhere near our defenseman but is instead closing in on the fully exposed blue line, right under the Pepsi Zero sign, which in a sense is rather symbolic of the zero thought that Larsson put into this play. This was the by-product:

One can’t help but wonder if Paul Coffey taught him that trick. Also, that puck crossed the goal line at about Andy Sutton-caliber speed. No clue how Cam misread that play but alright, sure.

Then the parade of penalties began. I don’t know if they were frustrated or just that stupid, but for some asinine reason they team decided to give our anemic penalty kill even more opportunities to get humiliated by the second worst team in the NHL, in front of our home fans…

You know you’re breathtakingly fucked when you give up three goals while down a man against the league’s second worst power play, who also happen to be the league’s worst offensive team by a goddamn light year. The fifth goal was essentially the dagger. Don’t even need to recap the third.

Final Score: 5-0 for the now-13 win Buffalo Sabres.

Thoughts

You absolute bunch of goddamn idiotic assholes.

Ruined a perfectly average Tuesday.

I hate everything.

Of course Jack Eichel had four points. Of course Sam Reinhart had three points. At the risk of sounding melodramatic I may have been the cause of that.

At least Grant Fuhr was full of passionate wisdom:

Emphasis on the passionate. Hell ya, Coco. Nothing compares to a good aggressive box.

Look at this electric power play:

Yes, that was an Oilers power play in which the Sabres controlled the puck for almost one consecutive quarter of it. Here we are utilizing the widely useless drop pass two times on the same breakout; a breakout that ultimately ended with an offside:

Our special teams are like if vomit took a dump. If our friend Vegas Amy wanted to write a complaint letter to the Edmonton Journal about how unequivocally disastrous both our power play and our penalty kill have been I’d support that.

I’m as big of Cam supporter as there is but how many times has he been yanked this year? It feels like once a week. The team’s not doing much of anything to support the Iceman but for Christ’s sake dude, at least try to make it a full 60 for five or more consecutive games.

As bad as this feels (really, INSANELY bad) it still always feels great to beat the Flames, and they cannot beat us. And we play them on Thursday. So, please God, beat those bums. At least let us, the fans, feel some sort of accomplishment heading into the break.

That’s all. I have nothing left. No Gator’s Grinder. No MOP. Just ending this right here, right now.

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