Morning After Blog: No Time For Good Losses

This would have been something I normally care the world about but honestly, at this point, who even cares? Yes, it’s a dumb rule. But it’s still a rule. It’s almost always called (save for when it’s against the Oilers, of course):

But regardless, it will not be the reason why we missed the playoffs. We won’t look back in April when 16 teams not named the Edmonton Oilers are competing for the Stanley Cup and go, “Hell so much, if only that offside rule was different!” We’ll go, “That moronic shitbag Chiarelli really dicked this team up.”

Also, I surprisingly didn’t care. I wasn’t livid or upset like I usually am when something stupid happens and then ultimately the Oilers lose because of it. I sort of shrugged. I knew right when I saw his foot come off the ice that they were disallowing the goal, and I found myself completely incapable of giving much of a fuck. That’s seriously the point I’m at. God help me now.

1st Period

Absolute pathetic start to the hockey game. A few weeks ago we had what felt like 110 shots against Juuse Saros in the first 10 minutes of period one. This time, it was choppy and dreadful hockey until finally Milan Lucic (who called the team out for taking dumb penalties not even two weeks ago) took a stupid penalty that of course we couldn’t kill:

Craig Smith poked home the rebound off a PK Subbomb, and just like last time, Nashville jumped out to a 1-0 lead.

And then the perfect avatar for the Oilers season:

That’s a clapper that went off Talbot’s arm and promptly smoked Adam Larsson in the face. Of course, the puck dropped right in front of Vicki Arvidsson, who was staring down the barrel of a wide open cage, and naturally put it in the net. For some reason, Adam Larsson and Darnell Nurse needed to be right beside each other, and they were both still unable to clear the puck and/or cover Arvidsson.

Larsson survived the play.

2-0 Predators

2nd Period


Connor had scored two goals in his career against Nashville, and they’ve been virtually the exact same:

Both fast. Both up the wall. Both murdered a helpless defenseman.

2-1 Predators

3rd Period

We finally grabbed a power play and then literally 20 seconds into it we took a penalty, and what’s worse is Nashville held onto the puck for about 55 seconds of the delayed penalty, giving them an extended power play thanks to our unprecedented stupidity.

However, by the power invested in God, we were able to kill it off.

And then we scored!

Yea that’s Mark Letestu off what was undoubtedly the nicest play Ryan Strome has ever given the Edmonton Oilers and it’s a tie game HA oh just kidding because eight seconds before the puck went in, Khaira was an inch offside thanks to the dumbest technicality in hockey.

So the goal didn’t count.


The Oilers applied a copious amount of pressure in the final two minutes, and both Patty Maroon and Milan Lucic had no less than three chances each at wide open backdoor tap-ins, but such is this year. We couldn’t score. We lost.

2-1 Predators, final


Now’s not the time to sit down and praise the team for almost beating a Predator’s team that’s missing Filip Forsberg. That’s what you can do when you’re in a playoff spot, or at least fighting for position. That’s not the approach or attitude you take when you have the reigning MVP and you’re five games under .500. No. This just sucks, and I hate it.

We have one win and three total points since the Christmas break. It’s almost the middle of January.

Mark Letestu is still on PP1 and he’s not even the trigger man anymore. We have one (1) power play goal on 15 attempts in out last six games. I aspire to have and perennially retain a job despite sucking at it as much as Jay Woodcroft does.

As per Rule 55, the NHL defines hooking as “the act of using the stick in a manner that enables a player or goalkeeper to restrain an opponent.” This, according to the referees, was not hooking:

I’ve developed a theory: Connor is so mutantly fast that it does not look like standard stick infractions are capable of slowing him down. He just booms right through them, and therefore, they’re not called, even though to the casual observer it is literally the definition of hooking. We’re suffering from a severe lack of calls because Connor McDavid is too good. Imagine that.

Today in “Dave Staples Says Stupid Shit”:

How could you possibly ever think the trade was a loss for New Jersey? I don’t care where they finished relative to the standings last year. I don’t care where we did either, quite honestly. The better player went to New Jersey. We intentionally took a loss because Chia wanted so desperately to move Hall and get us any defenseman (cc: Cody Ceci) that he could get his greasy Harvard hands on. Next year? Still New Jersey. The year after? You guessed it. We traded a perennial 70-80 point kid entering his prime on an EXTREMELY generous contract so that we could get Adam Larsson and his one assist and Milan Lucic, who is still chasing Phil Kessel.

And it gets better:

What kind of mouth breathing shit weasel willingly uses the phrase “fake news” given its extremely disingenuous and insufferably pestiferous connotation? That word is associated with intellectual vomit so of course the mother fucking sink pisser has to drop it in an argument. What a humungous asshole.


Jim Matheson has become surprisingly woke during this treacherous state of emotional trauma:

He, the human dinosaur, completely acknowledges that the NHL is different and it’s a speed game and all that “bump ‘n grind” (slash) “clean ‘n jerk” hockey he once praised is practically useless today. Brent Seabrook, a player formerly praised by the Edmonton media…:

^Lol. Point is, it’s beginning to get through their heads that maybe being “tough as nails” and having a bull rider for a dad might not be the greatest asset to an NHL team? Maybe sacrificing skill and speed for grit and heaviness might actually hinder your team’s ability to succeed? Maybe handing out gargantuan contracts to these slow and heavy play killers might come back to bite you in the ass in a short amount of time? These would have been appreciated thought exercises back in the summer of 2016.

Yes, Peter Chiarelli is bad. Yes, he’s butchered this team. But have we stopped and contemplated the personnel responsible for hiring his replacement? I have been under the assumption that the Oilers would replace the Pistol with someone who is young, motivated, and most importantly, a person who can bring the Oilers out of the old days and build a team around the fast-paced and exciting new wave of hockey. Someone who doesn’t have an ego the size of our turbo-sized scoreboard. Someone who is in tune with his surroundings and who recognizes how to build a successful team for 2018 and beyond. And then Lowetide knocked it out of the park, and that cold-hearted bitch named reality kicked me straight in the jewels:

They’re going to hire Wayne fucking Gretzky, aren’t they? These are the Edmonton goddamn Oilers we’re talking about here, specifically, this is Daryl Katz and Bob Nicholson we’re talking about here. Gretzky’s already on the payroll as Connor’s personal off-ice shadow or something like that, why not let him control the players on the roster as well? We’re so dead. We’re so, so dead. I honestly don’t know what situation is worse.

The Iceman was brilliant last night, capped off by this wicked save off of an unimpeded Ryan Johansen

Believe it or not, that was actually Sekera who star-fished, not Russell. Adam Larsson, the excellent defender, completely mailed in that backcheck. TGF Cam’s glove.

Hottest Take of the Night

LOL WE SIGNED LUCIC AND TRADED FOR MAROON AND KASSIAN AND THE ‘BERTANS ARE STILL NOT PLEASED. The puck accidentally drilled Adam Larsson in the face QUICK SOMEBODY FACE WASH THE PUCK!!! *spits chew* *smells fart*

Quick FYI we’re leading the league in hits by 120 (!!!) and clearly that’s given us all the success. Good, tough, hockey, totally NOT like Jordan Eberle AMIRIGHT?!

You fucking idiots.

Most Outstanding Player

It was Connor again.

Gator’s Grinder of the Game

Who cares. Adam Larsson for taking the puck to the chops.

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