The Big Rig Era is Over: Maroon Traded to NJ for Peanuts and Pretzels

First of all, let me start this blog off by saying thank you to Patrick Maroon. I could and will compile a list of the top 10 things Patty has done since being acquired back on Leap Day, 2016. He was a perfect embodiment of Oilers hockey and became an adopted son of Edmonton for his work on and off the ice. The Big Rig became more than just a nickname, it truly became a culture here in Edmonton. We embraced it. We loved it. We bought t-shirts. When Brandon Manning ran his shitty little 6/7 defenseman mouth about Connor, who stepped up to the plate and nearly twisted his head 360 degrees?

It was the Big Rig. And when Connor was looking for a big teddy bear hug from a teammate?

Or just a causal laugh on the bench:

The Big Rig was there. When Anaheim was being Anaheim and taking liberties on the boys, who stole their stupid puck?

You guessed it. And when Zack Kassian wanted to rent speedboats or play video games or listen to rock music or just have non-alcoholic beers and pleasant conversations with someone, his fellow Bash Brother was always there for him. Ride together. Die together. Bash together.

You can play for different teams, but Bash Brothers are for life. And, of course, there was this monsoon of emotions that strung all the feels and completely annihilated Oil Country last year:

How many of you feelsed up when you watched this? The correct answer is all of you. We were all casualties in the field of feels during Patrick’s emotional interview talking about his son. I personally haven’t cried that much since the first 15 minutes of Up. You put a tearing up Bash Brother in my face and it’ll break me 101 times out 100.

Anyway you look at it, the Big Rig was a big part of this Edmonton Oilers team. He was one-third of the NHL’s best line last year despite Anaheim literally paying him to play for us. A huge part of me wanted to keep Patty in Edmonton, but with the Lucic contract being an unequivocal fucking nightmare on the left side, it just wasn’t possible to have them both. Figures that one of the like two decent trades that Peter would ultimately be for not because of that horrendous debacle of a contract he gave to a literal Neanderthal of a left winger who, ironically, hasn’t scored since our pre-history ancestors began making tools out of rocks. The choices were to A) keep Maroon and have our entire left side put us in cap hell for the next half decade, B) trade Maroon now and salvage a little value for him, or C) lose him for nothing this summer. In the end, we chose D) trade him for the equivalent of an expired cherry tomato. Please join me in welcoming whoever we draft in the 3rd round of 2019 and the man they call “someone”… JD Dudek.

OHHH here we go!!!

HOLD UP WAIT A MINUTE, ya’ll thought I was finished?!? As sentimental and touching as the first half of this blog was I haven’t even SNIFFED the beyond hilarious return we just picked up for a guy who scored at a 25 goals/82 game pace over the last two years. A third round pick in 2019 and mythical being, Joey Dudek. Only the Oilers would trade for something called a Dudek. DUDEK! THE MOTHER FUCKER’S NAME IS DUDEK AND WE’RE LIKE SURE LOL OILERZ are you fucking with me? What in the actual world of NUCLEAR DOG SHIT are we talking about here? This Dudek has six goals and 17 points in 33 games with Boston College. He’s not even the bets Oilers prospect at BC. HE’S NOT EVEN THE SECOND BEST OILERS PROSPECT AT BC!

He couldn’t have even mustered a 2nd round pick for Maroon. Nope. Couldn’t even do that. Instead, he gets us a third round pick in a year from June, and a prospect who’ll be lucky to make an ECHL second line by the time his utterly mediocre NCAA career is over. And the Devils get a body who has top six numbers, and yes, his numbers are still top six even away from Connor:

For the mouth breathing sacks of imbecile who’ll defend Chia to the grave, and who’ll undoubtedly spit and burp and derp about Maroon playing away from McDavid, those are Patty’s career 5v5 numbers with McDavid and without McDavid. Not much of a difference at all, fam. Sure, he was having a down year. But when all 25 of Ryan Hartman’s points get picked up by the Preds for a 1st, a 4th, and the rights to a thing called Victor Ejdsell (who, for what it’s worth, has 17 goals and 30 points in the Swedish League and is the same age as Dudek) and the max you can bring in for a guy who’s scored 0.32 goals per game since joining the Oilers was a third round pick one year from four months from now and a prospect who has first cousins that have never heard of him then I don’t know anymore. I just don’t know. JD Dudek. Holy smokes.

Now that we know what he can’t do on the ice, let’s take a look at what kind of character this JD Dudek human is. Here’s a closer look at the newest Oiler:

Oh, he murdered us back in 2012. Off to a sensational start. Hope you’re a good golfer, Joey. Welcome to Edmonton!

PS – Patty’s post-trade interview. I’ll miss this man. The Big Rig forever:

And if you want to hear mumbo jumbo from the man I cannot wait to not miss, here’s Peter Chiarelli with his verbal diahhrea: