Game Day Blog 51/82: Hell, Lightning @ Oilers

Tonight is the official end of what has been the longest five game home stand in hockey history. What began on January 20th against Vancouver now closes on February 5th against Tampa Bay: a stretch of 17 days. We’re 2-1-1 on the extended stay at the Rog, picking up five out of a possible eight points, which wouldn’t have been too terrible if we weren’t currently buried 13 points out of a playoff spot. We need 24 wins to reach 96 points and even that might not be enough to make the playoffs. So we must win 75% of our last 32 games just to have a chance at making the postseason. It sounds like an actual pipedream but I mean the Philadelphia Eagles also just won a goddamn Super Bowl so literally anything is possible.

Tonight’s Opponent: Tampa Bay Lightning

Hahah shut up.

Their Record: 36-13-3, 75 points.

Our Record: Not as good as that.

What do they have? Holy schnikes look at some of their promotions:

They have 36… I repeat, THIRTY-SIX wins this year and because their organizational marketing staff actual give a shit about their fans’ collective happiness they’re like here, after we crush yet another team in this pathetic league, why don’t you head on over the McDonald’s for a free order of fries, or maybe go online where your order from Papa John’s will be 50% off… on us, because we won a hockey game for you last night. And if you’re wearing ANY Lightning gear on a Thursday, swing on by a Tijuana Flats and have a free taco! The day after an Oilers win, if you or any of your friends/family/loved ones are wearing any Oilers gear, you’ll get a free bag of hope for a cold hearted bitch named reality to absolutely fucking crush the following game. Congratulations.

Daryl hands out free popcorn every fan appreciation night. Since he purchased the club in May 2007, we have finished above 18th once. I know I could use a free taco every Thursday. I know Blue would kill for some free fries the day after he celebrated a win like it was the last win he’d ever see (might be, Blue is old). Lord knows my buddy and former ENS legend Pizza Trav would take ridiculous advantage of that Papa John’s deal like 20-24 times per season. Instead, we get free popcorn for one night of the year. I should toilet paper his monstrosity of a suite that hovers above a perpetually muted Rog Mahal like a goddamn symbolic tyrant, watching over all those who are funding the building as we agonizingly watch the penalty kill get scored on for the fifth time in the night.

Hell. I really want free and/or discounted shit.

On the ice, Tampa is borderline unbeatable. They will slaughter out special teams tonight. I’ll be there to witness this unavoidably pending shit tornado first hand. It should be fun.

What do we have? It was an optional skate this morning so we won’t know the lines until warmies, but I’m assuming they’ll be something like what we saw on Thursday. Iceman’s back in the pipes.

Connor McDavid has never played against Steven Stamkos in a regular season tilt, with Daddy having missed both games in 2015-16 due to Brandon Manning’s shit fuckery, and Stammer having missed both games last year after shredding his knee to pieces. So that’s exciting.

Death. Taxes. And Bob Stauffer illogically comparing the 2017-18 Oilers to the 2016-17 Lightning:

This is the part where I remind everyone that Tampa played almost all of last year without Steven Stamkos and still missed the playoffs by one point, because, you know, Steve Yzerman is a good GM who knows what he’s doing and built a very competitive roster, or something like that. Could you imagine this team without Connor McDavid in the lineup HAHAHA okay Bob time to put the glue away.

Leon Draisaitl makes the exact same amount of dollars as Steven Stamkos. Happy Monday.

Did you know? Edmonton’s — Canada’s industrial-sized catchbasin for the largest sacks of entitled fart-sniffers in journalism history — will apparently challenge the character of players on all of our city’s teams and not solely devote their attention to running a meteor-sized freight train at the players on the Edmonton Oilers, past or present. This week on “Whose Character Can We Blindside Anyways?”, pompous numskull and notorious poopaholic Terry Jones elbow-dropped Odell Willis from the top rope like Randy fucking Savage not 15 seconds after we dealt the fan favourite:

The odds that Terry ever questioned Odell’s character to this man’s face?:

I’d ballpark around the same odds as Al Montoya answering Ryan Rishaug’s question after Thursday’s game. But oh wait Odell is gone quick time to take this gravity hammer and blow him to smithereens.

Prediction: Ohhhhh god I do not like the looks of this one. I bought seats and am taking my old man with me to the game, and we have just an abysmal record together. On top of all that, Tampa is the best team in hockey, and we’re two points behind the Montreal Canadiens… a team that gave up in September. Do I like our chances of winning tonight? No. Do I think we’re going to win tonight. Doubtful. But I’ll be damned if I tarnish the legendary reputation of ENS by picking this team to lose, or something. And with that, I’d like to this wildly inappropriate prediction to the man who started this unprecedented level of bias. Hank, this one’s for you buddy. God rest that man(‘s keyboard).

6-3 Oilers. Suck it, ISIS. Connor with five.

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