Game Day Blog 53/82: Cali Continues, Oilers @ Cheating Scumbags

GOAL!

NO GOAL!!

You’re damn right it doesn’t, Ron Burgundy. Nothing about this league makes sense anymore.

I hate these fucking guys.

Tonight’s Opponent: Anaheim Ducks

What do they have? We continue our Cali trip down the I5 and into Anaheim to take on the NHL’s cesspool of pestiferous shit sniffers. The literal scums of this league. If Alex Burrows isn’t dealt here at the deadline I’ll lose the little remaining faith I have in this league. This team is a diaper-infested landfill, and their dump messiah is a 200 lb sack of assholes named Ryan Kesler.

The man is an article of clothing unceremoniously draped all over Connor every time we play the Ducks. Back in early January, Ryan gave Leon Draisaitl approximately three consecutive hacks, each with the force and speed of Gregor Clegane’s fucking claymore, and nothing was called. It’s like the referees are immune to giving Kesler any sort of infraction against the Oil. I’m more than convinced that Kesler could ninja kick Connor in the ribs, two-hand Leon in the piss pen, then finish his rampage off by sacking Cam Talbot from the blindside, parting the entire Oilers Sea like he’s fucking Moses so that Jakub Silfverberg can easily tap one in, and nothing will be called. Not kicking, not slashing, not roughing, certainly not goaltender interference. It would be hockey’s equivalent of a Quentin Tarantino movie with bodies and blood flying everywhere and the refs wouldn’t think twice about disallowing it, because Oilers, and because Kesler. Kesler and Perry’s Luciferification of the Ducks has infected even the humblest of players. Just look at what happened to one Andrew Cogliano, a good Canadian-Italian kid who loved the game and always worked his impeccably tanned butt off, then who suddenly fell victim to the corruption led by these two magnificent butt wipes and had his Tony Stark streak end at approximately 8 billion games. When notorious homophobe Ryan Getzlaf takes time away from complaining to the refs about a lack of calls, Antoine Vermette gets busy by physically attacking them. No wonder they get every call ever, they are literally concerned for their general wellbeing. Somebody please save Rickard Rakell before they corrupt his brain with their excessive scumbaggery.

And I haven’t even mentioned Kevin Bieksa yet, or whatever’s left of his raggedy ass ankles.

Despite being literally fucking abysmal, Kevin plays on the Ducks 3/4 pair, because the 5/6 role is reserved for Francois Beauchemin, who is apparently still playing hockey in the National League. Incredible. Fun fact: When Beauchemin played his first professional hockey game, Jaromir Jagr was 28.

John Gibson has missed his last four starts and Ryan Miller’s been getting cremated by the teams he’s played against. However, because Oilers, Gibson looks like he’ll play his first game back from injury tonight.

What do we have? Connor has six goals and nine points in his last three games. Six goals in three games. Pardon me with those numbers? That’s three less than Lucic has all season. That’s one (!!!) less than elite centre Sam Bennett has in 54 games. More importantly, I’ve now predicted Connor’s in-game point totals in two consecutive contests GOING FOR THE TURKEY TONIGHT.

Wisely, Todd split up Connor and Leon for this one. Leon legitimately terrorizes the Anaheim Ducks, and Connor is playing like a fucking Marvel superhero right now. Anaheim gets to pick their poison (they going to smother Connor like he’s an independent clause inside parentheses).

Cammalleri is out of the lineup tonight because Pak’s actually been a not terrible penalty killer and Tony could spark the fourth line a bit more than Camm-Daddy could. If there are any wingers that could slow down Draisaitl’s torridness against Anaheim they’re definitely Caggiula and Lucic.

Did you know? The opening ceremonies were today. The Olympics always remind me of the good days:

Including his time in Vancouver, Ryan Kesler might be one of the all time great runner ups. Good for him. Always the bridesmaid, amiright?

Prediction: It’s turkey night at ENS, therefore, sticking with the number three, Connor gets three points against a team that usually smothers the absolute living goddamn shit out of him. Oilers win 5-2, reverse the score of Wednesday’s game, basically. Now let’s watch Max Domi punch the actual soul of Kesler’s stupid face:

I need Jim Ross to call that fight. the gloves were still in the air before Domi turfed Kesler. I want this on repeat at my wedding.

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