Man Responsible For Making the Oilers Slower Says Team is “Looking For Speed”

Heading into the trade deadline like:

What an utter disaster. The chronological timeline of Peter Chiarelli’s tenure as Oilers GM is as follows:

2016: We need to get heavier, and we need a defenseman!

2018: We need to get faster, and we need a defenseman!

2024: We need to get heavy-fast, and we need a defenseman!

It’s simply amazing that we’re allowing the man responsible for shorting all the assets this team had so proudly accumulated (by being the worst team ever) to continue his mission of bleeding the Edmonton Oilers out of every possible tradable resource until there’s nothing left of this franchise but the Gretzky statue and a fading silhouette of Jesse’s incredibly large smile. What’s even more amazing is he managed to outline a serious flaw on the team (one that he created) while simultaneously contradicting himself. He agreed that the team needs to get faster but also fully acknowledged his interest in resigning Patrick Maroon and Mark Letestu. What is it, Peter? Do you want to get faster? Do you want to stay slow? Are you trying to fake out other GMs by making it sound like you want to keep Maroon and Letestu? Why are you responsible for the fate of this team? I have so many questions.

Too late? Uhm. Peter… when you short commodities like Taylor Hall and Jordan Eberle for 50 cents on the dollar, you are indeed blowing things up. That’s the literal definition. What the fuck else is left to blow up? Does this mean you’re not trading Nuge and/or Klefbom? If so, good! That’s a wise move, because nobody will throw you a pity party if you get bent over and robbed for the fourth and fifth time of your three year tenure. So what’s left to do? You want speed? You shouldn’t have built the 2010 LA Kings. You want prospects that are ready to play? What goddamn team will give that up for Mark Letestu? Are we supposed to have faith in this guy’s ability to pull off a few good trades that set the Oilers up for a much better season next year? I don’t have faith in his ability to pull off his clothes before taking a goddamn shower. These next three days are going to be hell.

I think it’s pretty clear that, regardless of how everything plays out, we are breathtakingly fucked. They fire Peter (good), they’ll hire Keith Gretzky (bad). You think el Katz would not hire the brother of the man he pays to be his best friend? That’s not how the Fairy Godfather rolls. Think about the bi-monthly parties Daryl holds to honour the teams we had from the 80s. Think about every single former Oiler that’s on the payroll. There’s no way this scenario ends in anything other than a monolithic Oilers dictatorship consisting of each individual player and their immediate family members being responsible for this fucking circus that Daryl Katz is parading around north central Alberta.

And that was it. Straight up. A press conference to basically say our teams needs are everything that he traded away, and that teams are calling about Maroon and Letestu but we’re unclear about moving them, and he wanted to remind the good people of Oil Country that we are not blowing up a team that has a 21-yar-old Connor McDavid on it. Great stuff from the General Disappointment himself. Happy Friday.

PS – Think about this: We sucked absolute shit for 10 years and there’s a strong possibility that we’ll have come out of the Tambo Era (an era that saw us finish no higher than 21st over the span of five seasons) with Adam Larsson, Stuart Skinner, Eric Gryba and whatever peanuts we get for Nuge and Klefbom. That’s what we’ll have to show for all 11 of our first and second round picks of that era (Taylor Hall, Nail Yakupov, Magnus Paajarvi, Mitch Moroz, David Musil, Tyler Pitlick, Martin Marincin, Curtis Hamilton, Anton Lander). Long story short, fuck every general manager we’ve ever had. And especially fuck the guy in charge of hiring them. How are we not palsyingly drunk all of the time?