Morning After Blog: Connor With Five

In a year that has been otherwise hopeless and cruel, we’re once again reminded that we are all witnesses to the greatest player in the world. It’s a blessing, really. It’s that dude’s face over the Popeyes sign on repeat every time Connor McDavid touches the puck. It’s a pleasant reminder that hockey is brilliant and 97 kicks a whole lot of butt at it. As this season dwindles down, we’ll undoubtedly look back and recap all the hellish shit that went wrong. We’ll analyze and then overanalyze every little detail that went wrong, because that’s what we do here in Edmonton: draft lotteries and in-depth analysis, baby. It’s our shtick. But on an ordinary Monday night, in a disappointingly ordinary season, Connor McDavid once again did the extraordinary. I can’t imagine where we’d be without him (last). Seriously, if he doesn’t play last night, we lose 2-1. Whose mutant is dis? (Ours… he’s our mutant HAHA Connor forever baby let’s go).

PS – Yes, told you:

6-3 Oilers. Suck it, ISIS. Connor with five.

1st Period

We received a power play!

*Everybody laughs*

*nudges neighbour’s shoulder*

*makes fun of Jay Woodcroft*

*jokes about how we lose momentu…… wait, pardon me?*

The Oilers scored a power play goal. The OILERS SCORED A POWER PLAY GOAL what how? I was watching the Pens power play the other day and the defending champs had Crosby lined up exactly where McDavid was, waiting for a slap-pass style of deflection in front. Not only am I shocked that we were cognizant enough to make that adjustment, but I’m in utter disbelief that we were able to execute. A real life epiphany. I couldn’t believe it with my own eyes.

McPoint counter:

What’s even more surprising than a power play goal? Try two power play goals:

McPoint counter: 2

2nd Period

Oh…. oh my…. oh my good god.

Are you kidding me with that goal? Live look at all the laws of physics:

So first of all, that tuck was quite obviously one of the most stupid things I’ve maybe ever witnessed in my adult life. Preposterous that he put that puck in. Absolutely absurd. But what he did to Matthew “no relation to ya boy Michael” Peca was borderline cruel because as of today, the city of Troy has a better record against wooden horses than Peca’s ankles do against Connor McDavid. It’s an actual miracle that those feet are still part of his body.

Not everybody was as impressed with that goal, though:

Let’s take a quick look at the GAAs from those eras:

NOTHING to shoot at (in 1981-82 the NHL’s GAA was almost 4.00, and I’m no rocket scientist, but I have a hunch there might have been one or two things to shoot at). Oh, and McPoint counter:

Imagine actually believing that goal had nothing to do with McDavid’s inhuman skill or mutant speed, but instead is due to them darn new goalie methods these days hahahaha my god Kevin grow up anyways ya it was time for #someoneelse to score so naturally that was the fourth line’s music, of course:

Iiro with his first goal of the year and Tony Time with the helper. I had no idea Iiro could shoot the puck, let alone fire it upstairs. Tony’s fourth point of the year, and first since December 12th. Welcome to 2018, boys.

Tampa also scored early in the first but nobody cared. It was Connor’s night.

Connor had another breakaway but didn’t score but who cares because:

The Connor Mc3rd Period

Connor_McDavid_Hatty_Goal_And_Celly (dot) gif:

McPoint counter: 4. Here’s what Connor did to Sergachev from another angle:

That speed is illegal. It’s actually criminal. If you’re a defenseman and you make a mistake along the blue line with Connor covering you, do you even pivot the other way? Just go to the bench. At this point it was fairly obvious that my Craig MacTavish certified bold prediction of the year would come to form. Nothing was stopping Connor. He was getting that fifth point one way or another. He chose “another.” You know the old saying: When life gives you lemons, former Olympian Chris Kuntiz will eventually kick one into his own net for you:

And the final McPoint counter of the day:

Final score: Oilers 6, Connor 5, Tampa Bay 2.


Connor McFuckingDavid.

That guy has six goals in his last two games. He’s now tied for third in league scoring with 61 in 51, putting him on pace for 98 now. If we’re not making the playoffs we might as well sit back and enjoy the Connor show as he races (quite literally) to 100 points for the second straight year.

Hahahahaha I gave Tampa a third goal in my prediction haha ya okay there, idiot.

Connor had four goals in one game, three less than what Sam Bennett has all year. Remember: Mark Spector once proudly proclaimed that Calgary would rather have Sam Bennett than Connor McDavid because he had a good shift:

Daddy’s had two hat tricks this year and I’ve been to both games. This might come off as what some would possibly call “being melodramatic” but I think I might be part of the reason for that success.

The Oilers are now undefeated against Tampa and Vegas this year. Who needs to beat Buffalo when you perpetually own the best two teams in the league. Eat shit, Calgary.

Find a best friend who talks about you the way Leon talks about Connor:

Absolutely flew by Little Johnny Lady Byng last night. Leon caught Sean “Mayonnaise” Monahan as well. What a night.

Yes… yes…

Tell me more nice things about Connor, Steven Stamkos.

I do love that Connor had this game against Stammer and Kucherov. That was a warning signal. He coming.

If Dad was to win the Art Ross (again) it will somehow make Calgary’s first round exit even sweeter. Lord knows Johnny “takes penalties at All Star Games” Gaudreau isn’t winning his coveted award this year.

Hottest Takes of the Night

Of course, it wouldn’t be a Connor McMassacre without the citizens of Bullhurtapolis coming out of their shanties to hate on our boy. First, the inevitable Matthews shenanigans:

And here we have this thermonuclear take brought to you by self-proclaimed Ladies Man, Kevin Young (maybe?):

I have so many questions:

Number one, how dare you?

Number two, who are you? I’m beyond unsure if that’s Kevin Young or not and it’s driving me insane. Cliffhanger city.

And the biggest question: Are you actually a ladies man, Mr. Ron Burgundy/maybe Kevin Young? Because by the looks of it, things do not seem to be going great:

Hey, Kevin Young*:


GGG, MOP, GOAT, Daddy of the Year, Shooter McGavin Award for All the Goals, Jorts Captain of the World, and your reigning MV-fucking-P: