Morning After Blog: Send This Season to the Crematory

Guess who scored?!

That was one of those games that we had no business winning. Cam was the only reason it was a contest after 40 and even he wasn’t capable of keeping the other 19 guys alive for the 3rd. It’s bad when the Iceman shows up for three consecutive games and the team goes 1-2. Of course, we knew it was bad in like November. None of this is news. Someone drop-kick this team to Pluto.

This season has been a Shakespearean tragedy, centred around our heroic character, Connor McDavid, and following his path until his one flaw ultimately causes his tragic downfall. His flaw is us. We are his flaw. His flaw is that he was drafted by this radioactive cow shit of an organization. This game was exactly like our season. Almost a perfect metaphor. It was a real life Shakespearean tragedy; a new Shakespearean tragedy that maybe you’ve never seen before but yet you still know how it ends, and you watch the whole thing anyways because you’re either a massive sucker or you thoroughly enjoy watching this unholy dumpster fire unfold. Let’s take a look at this massive shit show.

Act 1: Prologue

Before the game, we were introduced to the characters partaking in the play.

I love this. You pick up the program and already know how epic of a tragedy this play will be. Drake Caggiula, statistically, has been the worst forward on the Oilers with Connor McDavid. And not like, “not as good as others” bad. No, he’s done the unthinkable and been “make Connor much worse” bad:

In English: Playing Connor McDavid with Drake Caggiula is akin to playing Superman with fucking kryptonite. Going to be a great show I can’t wait!

Act 2: Conflict

In dramatic tragedies, the conflict takes place before the rising action. In this case, our conflict was absolutely taking it from the Boston Bruins for 18 of the first 20 minutes. Despite playing their second game of a back-to-back, Boston walked in and out shot us 13-3 in the first. It took exceptional play from Cam Talbot and Tony Khudobin letting in this buttercup snapshot from the moon:

Find me a slower developing two-on-one go ahead I’ll wait. It looked like Strome was skating uphill the entire time. Still, he’s finally one goal away from double digits this year. Looking to become the fourth Oiler to reach that plateau. It’s February 21.

Kris Russell had two of our three shots in the opening period. He also hit a post. Drake Caggiula took a penalty. I honestly would rather see Russell play on McDavid’s wing than Caggiula. It can’t be worse.

1-0 Oilers post-conflict

Act 3: Rising Action

Things start looking up for the good guys. You’re (gasp) excited! Here come the Oilers!… completely fucking butchering an odd man rush, but scoring anyways:

I’m still baffled. No clue how that puck went into the net. It’s 2-0 and it’s Tony Time! Tony Slepyshev now has as many points in the month of February as Lucic has since December 27.

And like any good play, there must always be a climax:

Leon Draisaitl (not Drake Caggiula) made a nice pass to find Connor wide-open at the side of the net, but Tony Khudobin got over to rob the reigning MVP. That would have made it 3-0, but at least we had a better period (we were out shot 18-11). Things were looking up!

2-0 Oilers post-rising action

Act 4: Falling Action

Annnnnnd there they go:

Ryan Strome’s second of the game was credited to Noah Acciari, his first point since January 7. You know what they say: Play the Oilers, and someone will score for you!

You know what they also say: Play the Oilers, and if at some point you belonged to the Oilers, you will get a point!

Riley Nash (Oilers third of three first round picks, 2007) made a great play to set up something called a Grzelcyk for the possible Pokémon’s first goal since November 24. All five Oilers huddled together on one side of the ice, leaving that alleged person impossibly wide-open.

2-2 post-falling action

Act 5: Denouement

There it goes!

We finally got a power play (with 45 seconds left in the game). And despite not scoring a goal since the collapse of the Prussian Empire, Milan Lucic, of course, was on the ice for it. With about 26 seconds left (again, on a power play, with the net fucking empty) Looch decided to play dump and chase hockey. We literally had two more players on the ice and there was virtually no time left, and Looch decides he’s going to play safe hockey. Why did he have the puck? Why was he on the ice with seconds remaining in a trailing game? Because that’s how Shakespearean tragedies always end. They end in tragedy, like the tragic reminder that we will have this broken down cement truck under contract until 2023.

3-2 Bruins, final.

Thoughts

Teams will be lining up to acquire Caggiula on Monday as he’s successfully managed to shutdown Connor McDavid better than any other player in the league.

In 2013/14, Mark Arcobello had 18 points in 41 games. In 2017/18, Drake Caggiula has 13 points in 46 games. Mark Arcobello would be a better option with Connor McDavid than Drake Caggiula.

I get that Pool Party is struggling but having him stuffed on the fourth line is so asinine it makes my head explode. Other than Connor and Leon and like maybe Tony I can’t find a single Oilers forward who isn’t struggling at the moment. So naturally, we should bury the one kid who’s done all we’ve asked of him and who is a fan favourite and could be a vital part of this organization for many years all because he took a few penalties. We’re 7,000 points out of a playoff spot and Michael Cammalleri will be playing in the Spengler Cup next winter and he’s getting almost double the minutes of Jesse. We are Yakupoving him.

Fire Todd McLellan into Saturn’s Rings.

Fire Peter Chiarelli into a North Korean outhouse.

Hire a forklift to pick up Milan Lucic and put him on display at the nearest refrigerator trade show.

Nuge is still third on the team in points and goals and he hasn’t played since January 13.

I am actively rooting for Taylor Hall to win MVP, not just because I think he’s a great hockey player who should have never been traded, and not just because think Peter Chiarelli is the worst GM since Mike Milbury, but because I need to see how the media and the slightly more delusional fans try to spin this to fit their narrative. It will be some of the greatest literature this city has ever produced. Dave Staples would compose his equivalent of The Catcher in the Rye. They will be literally foaming at the mouth trying to publish the first piece that reminds everyone how Larsson and Lucic are still a better combo for the Oilers because Taylor Hall slammed his stick sometimes.

Hottest Take of the Night

Edmonton gonna Edmonton:

GGG

Who cares, I’d abolish this award if not for the fact that I respect Gator way too much. Khaira, because why not?

MOP

Papa Iceman. Cam looked so defeated after the second goal. Broke my damn heart. Thanks for being the only one who gave a shit last night, Dadbot.


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