Morning After Blog: Shut Up With That Game

I have nothing (I have some things). Losing is one thing, okay, fine, whatever. But losing at home, to a non-playoff team that fake promises jerseys is a whole new level of shit misery this season. That fan with the goalie mask could have maybe made three of those saves. Those who regularly follow know I’m a big Cam Talbot guy. He’s the Iceman. I love him. And I’ve defended him time and time again this season, including but not limited to: Cam letting in a nuclear stink bomb for the hundredth time, Cam getting pulled before the end of the 2nd for the thousandth time, Cam letting in the first shot of the game for the billionth time. But last night? Come on, man. Make a fucking save. I don’t care how many points we are out of the playoffs. Frankly, I don’t care about the draft lottery either. I do, however, demand that this team shows up every night, regardless of the outcome, and that definitely includes the goalie who made the most ass-backwards playoff promise I’ve maybe ever heard. Good Christ.

This year sucks.

1st Period

We somehow did not allow the first shot on goal to go in. What a positive. We still let in the first goal of the game, however:

The worst home PK in NHL history was at work yet again. This time, Aaron Ekblad scored his first power play goal of the year (it’s the middle of February). And how did they get that power play, you ask?

Brandon Davidson took a direct bow to the face, but instead, Leonardo DiBjugstad giving the Rog faithful an Oscar winning performance that arguably deserves its own banner. It truly was an equally elegant and repulsive display of cowardice. I legitimately don’t think Davey’s stick went above the knees. Great officiating, as always.


While Bjugstad was busy taking phantom sticks to the jibs, Connor was busy taking no less than 15-25 hacks at or on virtually all areas of his body, and somehow stayed on his feet. The result:

The Big Rig’s first goal in seven games. They should have honestly credited Connor with that goal. At the very least, he should have been credited with both assists after the Saw-caliber abuse he took from Vinny Trocheck.


2nd Period

God, I’ve always loved that exasperated point to centre ice:

Seriously, the only thing that zebras can do to fire me up these days. Look at buddy POINT to centre ice. Hell fucking yes. As they say, it’s the most exciting play in hockey. LOVE that point. If Leon were Connor, the play would have continued, but instead they called the most obvious penalty shot of all time.


Leon now has a lot of points in less games. And now, prepare for the gif barrage:

That’s Denis Malgin, not to be confused with actually good hockey player, Evgeni Malkin. Malgin is not a good hockey player. He fired a buttercup by Cam and into our net just four minutes after we took the lead. But then:

Drake’s bird cage got in front of the net and defelcted a shot home. That’s his fourth point of 2018. Four points in about 45 days. He’ll get first line minutes on Thursday.

Still, it felt nice to take the lead back and oh shit:

That’s another save that Cam makes if it’s 2016-17. Yes, Daddy Dadonov was allowed to walk in, completely uncontested. Kris was basically in the crease by the time the puck was released because why challenge the puck carrier amiright? It should be 3-1 Oil right now. It wasn’t.


3rd Period

Alright tie game bad lying faced team in the house let’s play it safe and kill this penalty, oh:

And Oscar slept in on his assignment. I don’t want him to get traded because that’s dumb but I do want him to get good at hockey again and I don’t think that’s asking a lot.

Our historically dog shit home penalty kill kept going too, because sure:

Trocheck’s second in seven minutes. Nobody cleared anybody in front, and Vinny let that sucker rip, but that’s another save that Cam makes if it’s the Iceman from last year. At this point the only reason I kept watching was to see if Connor would do something cool. Turns out, Tony did:

That’s the shot of a perennial healthy scratch who will undoubtedly get traded for less than what we gave up for our one year only backup goalie. If these are his last two weeks as an Oiler then I can’t wait to watch him become a serviceable second/third liner on another team for many more years. And then we’ll go “Oh, man, former Oilers syndrome!” every time Tony parks a puck top shelf on the neon orange and blackish blue. And we’ll say “Classic Oilers!” when really he’s just a good hockey player that we’re probably about to trade for basically nothing.

Oh and by the way penalty shots are dumb and stupid and I hate them:

But McPoints are awesome and, at this point in the season, more welcomed than oxygen:

We clawed out way back. We scored five goals. And we still lost. I have nothing more to say. We’ve officially wasted Connor McDavid’s rookie contract. Unbelievable.

Florida added and empty netter but who cares (except the Trocheck family, congrats on the hatty, idiots).

7-5 (Jesus), final.


Check out this shift by Lucic:

Can somebody tell me one positive thing that Shrek has done for us since like the middle of December? I mean, it’s not like we’re paying the guy $6 million per year with a full no movement clause or anything, so at least his value isn’t completely diminished to the point where we may have to file for Chapter 7 just to get rid of the guy. Best case scenario between now and the next five years is that Lucic becomes a consistent $6 million 40-45 point player who beats the faces off people and uses his refrigerator of a body to protect the Earth from an incoming asteroid. Worst case this is him regression into a scientific hellhole so aggressively small that it’s unobservable to the naked eye and we’re stuck with a guy who can block a trade to any team in the league until the next Winter Olympics. It’s a toss up.

I hate this.

My favourite player and (maybe someday) personal friend, Jesse Puljujarvi – outdoor rink enthusiast, general good person, master of nothing English related, destroyer of food, and the one who fucks – has struggled lately. Like, really struggled. You know how much it pains me to admit that? It’s like I reached into my body myself and self-removed my own goddamn spleen. He’s looked flustered right from the beginning of that road trip. Get him back to the outdoor rink and put a buffet in his face, please and thanks.

Good to see Pat Maroon actually showed up to skyrocket his trade value.

Also, this season is cemented in the toilet, therefore why is it a must to play Mike Cammalleri more minutes per night than the players who could use the development, ex: Tony Slepyshev? What does it matter, anyways? Chiarelli will inevitably exercise his right to be an idiot and deal Tony for pennies and will probably give Cammalleri a four year extension with a full no move anyways.

We didn’t have a power play. Yes, we had a penalty shot. But we did not receive a two minute power play all game. It’s like some refereeing god has some cruel vendetta against the Edmonton Oilers and is using all his energy and power to personally stick it into our eye sockets. Brandon Davidson’s stick was 11 miles away from Bjugstad’s face and we get penalized for high sticking. Conversely, Florida dumps the puck into the Sportsnet Lounge and they’re not whistled for delay of game. It doesn’t make sense anymore.

For this shit awfully pathetic season, I blame, in order: Daryl Katz, Peter Chiarelli, those highlighter jerseys, Friggin’ Todd, Ryan Kesler, Garth Snow, and ISIS.

This is very, very accurate:

We don’t talk about the jerseys enough. They were beautiful, and then we ruined them, like everything else we touch.

  • “Here’s a new building! Isn’t it nice! The washrooms are a concrete hellhole and a gut-slaughtering burger will cost you a mortgage!”
  • “Here’s our first mascot in franchise history! His name is Hunter, and he will literally rip the souls out of your children’s eyes!”
  • “Here’s Connor McDavid! He’s maybe the best player to lace the skates in the last 20 years. And here’s Peter Chiarelli! He trades 80 point forwards for right-handed defensive defensemen. It was one for one!”

I don’t even want Rasmus Dahlin. Not because I do not think he’s good, because he definitely is, but because having Dahlin and McDavid on the same team would almost certainly single-handedly save that pea-brained, bald-headed buffoon’s job.


Drake Caggiula for playing the entire game with a bird cage. Runner up goes to the goal lights.


Sure, Connor again. Leon too. Why not?