Bob Nicholson is holding a press conference at 13:30 (ish) MT…

I’m writing this because I will not be able to watch the interview go down live. In about two hours, I’ll be writing a final exam worth 50% of my final mark and which will ultimately determine whether or not I finally graduate from MacEwan in June. So of course the mother fucking Edmonton Oilers schedule maybe the most important press conference of the year right as I’m writing the goddamn exam. Of course they do. Literally will be thinking about who’s been fired (if anybody) or who’s been hired (if anybody) instead of cultural variations between South American premodern civilizations or the physical differences between Australopithecus afarensis and other bipedal species from the Miocene, because the Oilers exist on this planet solely for the purpose of destroying me.

Anyways. Before I get back to cramming all this information about dead pre-humans and early civilizations into my head, I just wanted to say that I’ve pretty much universally accepted the fact that I’m going to be disappointed with the outcome of this press conference. Like, best case scenario is they’ve fired Peter Chiarelli literally hours after he gave the worst interview of all time. That would be fantastic. But as you know, Oilers Law states that the Oilers will always go full Oilerz, so they’ll probably replace Peter with like Keith Gretzky or fucking Harrison Katz or something instead. Or he’s not going to announce anything at all. Like, because Oilers, chances are this robotic shit bag will stand up and repeat everything that Chia already said yesterday.

“EXPECTATIONS WERE UNFAIR!”

“THE COACHES SUCKED!”

“THE PLAYERS YOU KNOW THEY DON’T CARE ABOUT CULTURE!”

“MILAN LUCIC IS ACTUALLY FAST!”

You idiots.

Or, perhaps, he’s announcing a trade has been made within the OEG. Not a managerial trade, of course (Peter WON A CUP OKAY HE’S TERRIFIC HOW MANY OTHER GMS WIN CUPZ HMMM THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT NONE!) Nope. It’ll be something like:

“The Edmonton Oilers (Entertainment Group) has acquired bigger washrooms from the PPG Paints Arena in Pittsburgh in exchange for every single alcoholic beverage in the Rog, including our famous beers that every requires like fucking oxygen just to make it through 60 minutes of our hockey. We desperately needed bigger washrooms and alcohol was definitely our strongest area within the organization. It’s the price you have to pay. The trade is one for one.”

-30-

Years later, washroom size will still be an issue, and now nobody will be able to get fucked up either.

PS – If they announce they’re bringing back the Octane I’m officially done.

PS – If something miraculous happens like the Oilers actually make a well-calculated and rational decision please, for the love of something pleasant actually happening, celebrate for me.