What’s Good, Edmonton?: Two Month Recap and Back to the Office Blog

Hey guys! Two month hiatus is over. I’m back in the office!

It’s been a helluva two months and I’ll tell ya that for free. I think I needed the self-imposed emotional distance I took from this team. It’s been, for the most part, rather pleasant. For those of you that know me personally, you’ll know I have finally finished my bachelor’s degree in Communications and, therefore, am finally what I would describe as qualified to write actually write shit. I’m officially a professional blogger IMAGINE HOW PROUD MY FAMILY IS. I took a step back from freelance writing because honestly everything I did in school was writing. All my tests were writing. I had papers due every week. I was writing so much that it made writing about like the 21st best team in hockey in my free time seem completely irrational. And then I finished and thought, hey? Do I really want to write as a self-employed freelancer anymore?

And then the Oilers took a break from not being the Oilerz and became the Oilerz again and the only thing I could thing of was walking back into the virtual office and blogging my fingers off. Really, I figured – given the absolute certainty surrounding this organization’s culture of doing the most illogical shit, unannounced, at any moment – you all deserve a place to come and collectively laugh and sob at the ridiculous bullshittery that is our Edmonton Oilers. And with the draft and free agency just around the corner, what better time to fire up the old blog machine than when Peak Oilerz Oilerzing is literally about to erupt. I need this. We all need this. Therefore, I’m putting on my blogger cap and will be covering this team on a more frequent basis during the offseason, all the way up to and including what I can imagine will be a 2018-19 season of almost certain hilarity.

Before I dig into the events of the last two-ish days, I want to briefly cover what’s transpired over my sabbatical:

  • The Oilers defied all logic and somehow managed to lose a lottery.
  • The Vegas Golden Knights did me two solids: they knocked out Winnipeg and they lost the Stanley Cup finals.
  • I’m not sure if Vegas Amy aka “YOU DON’T COME INTO MY BUILDING DRUNK OR I’LL WRITE A STRONGLY WORDED LETTER TO YOUR NEWSPAPER” attended any Finals games or not but I pray she didn’t run into any people who had perhaps maybe consumed some alcohol during the Stanley Cup Finals. Still, I had her in my thoughts and prayers as Washington completely fucking smoked the Golden Knights.
  • The Capitals won the Stanley Cup in the same year that the Philadelphia Eagles won a Super Bowl and the world officially doesn’t make sense anymore.
  • Jesse Puljujarvi celebrated his 20th birthday.
  • Jesse Puljujarvi discovered horses:

  • The Ottawa Senators successfully surpassed the Oilers as the most dysfunctional franchise in professional hockey.
  • The Ottawa Senators traded Mike Hoffman, his girlfriend, Cody Donaghy, and their fifth-round pick in 2020 to San Jose for Mikkel Boedker (!!!!!), Julius Bergman who I believe was a linebacker in Remember the Titans, and a sixth-round pick in the 2020 NHL Draft.
  • Five minutes later, in a cruel move that rivalled Dwight Schrute flipping Andy Bernard’s car for more money, the San Jose Sharks traded Mike Hoffman, his girlfriend, and a seventh-round pick in 2018 to the Florida Panthers for a second-round pick selection in 2019, and both a fourth and fifth-round pick in 2018.
  • To recap: The Sens got cap problems, the Sharks got a million picks and cap room, the Panthers got an extra from Mean Girls, and I still don’t have my jerseys.
  • During the trade storm that was Mike Hoffman, San Jose Sharks acquired more draft picks than the Canucks have in each of this front office’s four seasons at the trade deadline combined, all but cementing Vancouver’s legacy of fulfilling the saddest rebuild of all time.
  • Milan Lucic possibly but definitely demanded a trade, which is surprising, because he’s allegedly the epitome of locker room culture.
  • IHOP sells burgers.
  • Nick Ellis retired. He’s still the third best goalie on our roster.
  • We re-signed Drake Caggiula. I had a lot to drink.
  • We re-signed Matt Benning. I love St. Albert.
  • We traded for something called a Nolan Vesey.
  • We gave a KHL goalie Ryan Strome money, making one wonder why we gave up a mid round pick for Al the Cuban Pal but then again, Oilerz.
  • Mike Reilly fucks:

  • Bob Stauffer unblocked me.
  • Steve Simmonds is still a blabbering idiot.
  • Speaking of blabbering idiots, Damien Cox thinks bullying doesn’t exist.
  • Taylor Hall won the Hart. Oilers Twitter completely and utterly imploding. The two are mutually exclusive.
  • Connor McDavid won the Teddy Lindsay which was voted by the players and not by people such as Marc Spector therefore… actually that just goes without saying.
  • Actually, it doesn’t. Fuck the PHWA. Players forever.
  • Seriously, how can the writers leave a player off the ballot even though the actual players he literally plays against said he was, unequivocally, the NHL’s best player of 2017-18? Mind-numbing.
  • Johnny Gaudreau did not win the Lady Byng.
  • People can’t tell the difference between Yanny and Laurel, nor can they tell what colour of dresses they wear. Our ancestors are laughing in their graves. We’re fucked.
  • And finally, Big Earl aka Eric Gryba was bought out.

Which brings us to today. As if peak Oilers Twitter didn’t have enough of a reason to unanimously explode during yesterday’s Awards fiasco, Eric Gryba was bought out today and then Peter Chiarelli subsequently held a press conference in what one can probably assume was his way of reminding everyone that he has a plan, and that at some point this said plan should come to form. That is, I hope this said plan is actually going to become real because if the last couple moves were part of the General Plan™, we’re actually dead. Doomed. We’re toast. If re-signing Matty Vegas and re-signing Drake Caggiula’s highly questinable ice time and buying out Big Earl and bringing in *Googles name* Mikko Koskinen and signing alleged human Nolan Vesey is the beginning of the General Plan™ then we have no other choice but to simply get the season of sauce started immediately and drown ourselves and everything we’ve ever believed in with a million cold ones at the Pint. Our holy General Disappointment wouldn’t even comment on whether or not Milan Lucic demanded a trade, all but confirming that Milan Lucic did, in fact, demand a trade.

I’m not even sure how I feel about this. On one hand, he’s the slowest Oiler we’ve had since Andrew Ference, and it’s universally understood that nobody really wants him here anymore, anyways. On the other hand, the fuck you think you are demanding a trade from my city, Milan. Guy makes passes like this to literally nobody:

And he’s the one saying he doesn’t want to be here anymore? In the time I’ve spent writing this blog, Milan still hasn’t completed a lap around the ice. Yes, you idiot. We would love to trade you. Unfortunately, our GM gave you a contract that’s about as movable as a Snorlax without the Poké Flute. And then the goddamn GM that Staples and Matheson et al. claim is the greatest thing to happen in Edmonton since the Commonwealth Games gets on stage today and admits he wants Looch back next year:

Why us? Beer League Heroezzzz must be happy oh actually yes that’s exactly what he is:

This is what the minority (?) deserves. The minority (I think… I hope?) will sit there and kiss Chia’s butt no matter what because in their tiny little minds that’s what it takes to be a real fan. Peter could trade McDavid to San Jose for like fucking Vlasic and people like BEer LeAgUE HeROez and my man Dirtbag Donny if he still exists would kiss his feet and argue that having a defenseman that once played four minutes a night for Team Canada is more valuable than the player that beats the actual shit out of opposition every night. We NEED THEM DEFENSEMENzz to play BIG MINUTEZ and whatever. They’re clueless. They’re asinine. Don’t be them. Don’t blindly follow management because you feel like supporting their decisions makes you better than the people that go absolute ape shit every time they do something akin to impaling a spiked stake into our hearts. We go crazy because we care. We lose our shit because every single goddamn time this organization takes forty-six steps backwards we know we’re somehow further away from winning a Cup than when Tambo was in charge and would trade for quality beer leaguers like Smithson. We only want to win, and we’re cognizant enough to recognize when this team is performing moves that are literally the opposite of that. END RANT.

I’m back. I’m fired up. And tomorrow, I’ll have draft coverage before and after the event. Happy summer, Edmonton. I love you.