Mid off-season update: Fan receives letter from Bobby Nicks & NHL Network asks dumb question

It’s the middle of the off-season and I’m so indescribably bored. I miss hockey. I miss hockey so much that I tuned into maybe 80 per cent of the World Cup (for what it’s worth, the team I cheered for lost, because of course they goddamn did). I asked to receive notifications for the MLB trade deadline because why the fuck not anymore. I need sports injected into my veins, I’m sorry I’m not sorry. And as a tormented fan of virtually every team I have ever cheered for, this off-season has been much more chaotic than normal.

  • The Raptors made arguably the biggest trade in franchise history, lofting their greatest player in franchise history to San Antonio for a man who forgot Canada exists, let alone had an NBA team.
  • The Colts previously deceased quarterback has miraculously risen from the dead and is currently throwing interceptions to the practice squad again.
  • The Eskimos are a roller coaster of emotions despite having the best player in the league. (Sound familiar?)
  • The Braves are good again and are currently perfectly executing the prelude to what will inevitably be an unprecedented late-September heartbreak for your boy.

But what of the Oilers and their incredibly minimal cap space? Well, there hasn’t been much going on. Obviously. It’s been unusually quite in the City of One for Ones. Part of me is pleased that Peter hasn’t done anything catastrophic, and yet, there’s that perpetually pessimistic side of my sadistically behavioral attitude that still fully expects him to exercise his right of being an utter fucking imbecile at any moment. This, despite a serious depletion of organizational talent and a complete lack of any cap space whatsoever. It’s psychologically embedded in my mind. No matter the constraints, the confides, or the barriers, this team will almost certainly find a method of going full Oilerz. But they haven’t? They actually haven’t. So what do I cover now that this team has temporarily put their Oilerzing on hold and are, gasp, using rational thoughts and ideas? Connor had a hole in one a few weeks ago and that might have been the biggest story of the off-season. Why isn’t this team doing anything hilarious OHH here we go:

YES we got Oilers action! A fan wrote the Oilers expressing his displeasure and withdrawing his allegiance from the hockey club. Bobby Nicks — the person, not the burger — actually WROTE BACK. Yes, the CEO of the Edmonton goddamn Oilers Entertainment Group replied to a marginally disgruntled fan, because you know, “the plan” is in full effect and Bobby wanted to make sure this fan (Brett) knew about it despite Brett being quite figuratively out the door:

Alright, let’s start at the top. For starters, I’m actually impressed that Bob took the time to have his PR staff write a letter back to a former fan. Most organizations ignore the hell out of fan complaints like, for instance, when you’re promised jerseys and you fail to receive said jerseys and you write and call and write and Tweet and write some more to that said organization and they just ghost the holy bejesus out of you. But not these Oilers. Nope. These Oilers are all about that re-re-brand. We re-branded the first time and it went just so, so poorly. And then we got good for five minutes until we proceeded to be bad again and now we’re trying to explain that it’s ALL PART OF AN ELABORATE PLAN and that we have to trust the process like we’re the 76’ers or whatever the fuck. Our brand is now crisis and that involves acknowledging all the upset fans, both present and former.

Anyways:

Bob’s staff start it off relatively straightforward, kissing the butts of people like Dirtbag Donald and Beer League Heroez and Dave Staples for their willingness to blindly support the organization no matter how futile or dysfunctional we become. The rest of us are practically fuming at this team’s unprecedented inability to do literally anything right but I guess we’re still loyal in the sense that we are angry because we care.

It’s then acknowledged that this season blew many chunks and that they’re trying to move forward, and specifically states that Pistol is “working tirelessly to improve the team” even though I’d imagine Peter is getting his rest given that, in the grand scheme of things, not a whole lot has changed. He mentions that Peter mentioned that we know what success feels and that those missteps are valuable. I’ll play devil’s advocate and argue that, if failures are invaluable, shouldn’t we be stock-piled with value by now? I mean, how many goddamn missteps will it take for this franchise to become consistently decent?

Whatever. That was fun. This is the part where the letter goes full Oilerz. The good news is that Bob and the boys are confident in our team going forward. You’d hate to see management and upper management unsure about our team’s ability in the near future so it’s comforting knowing that the people responsible for this team’s ultimate success actually believe in the decisions they make. Thank Christ. The team has no choice but to improve now that Peter has deployed depth improvements with players such as Mikko Koskinen and… *squints* Patrick Russell?

….

?

??

Patrick Russell???

Who the fuck is Patrick Russell?????

TWENTY-SEVEN (27) POINTS IN THE AMERICAN LEAGUE. BOB!!

Holy this team just continually makes me laugh. And I’m not trying to be mean here. I’m saying they’re legitimately a laugh-out-loud comedy. They’re hockey’s Step Brothers. They’re phenomenal. Imagine being proud of the team for signing Mikko Koskinen and a man that almost nobody has ever heard of? I’d like to believe that I’m a pretty well-connected Oilers fan and I legitimately had no idea what in the world a Patrick Russell is. We are truly and enigmatic franchise. Absolutely outstanding work. BIG shoutout to Brett for bringing this response into our lives. Seriously, I don’t think I could ever repay this act of kindness. Well done.

PS – Of course:

YA I’M A BIG TOUGH MACHO MAN YOU KNOW WHO WRITES LETTERS PUSSIES THAT’S WHO *sniffs butt*.

Donald’s army of 40+ old conservative Albertan men made sure they joined in on the hate parade:

“Little bitch pussy” is an INCREDIBLE burn. And that concludes today’s “don’t be like Donny.”

PSS – While I don’t condone basically anything that the Oilers have done since like 2007, and while I think the response to the letter is hilariously hilarious, I simply can’t jump ship like Brett. I understand where he’s coming from, and yet, I couldn’t imagine doing. Sometimes I hate them a lot. And my relationship with the Oilers has been without question the most unhealthy, one-sided relationship I’ve ever been in. But I hate-love them so much. And one day we’re going to win the Cup, hopefully while I’m still alive, and it’s going to be awesome. All the punches and dick kicks and kidney stabs we took will be worth it in the end. Patrick Russell. God I love these guys.


The best part of my day was definitely when the NHL Network posted a very dumb question on the old Twitter machine. As expected, they received some pretty dumb responses. Let’s take a look at the question:

OH BOY inject having Matthews as the cover of “the current best center in the NHL is?” question directly into my veins. What a phenomenal way to tee up the impending socially destructive controversial keyboard arguments.

GET THAT POPCORN READY AND LET’S GO:

With emphasis. JOE. PAVELSKI!

Someone temporarily suspend/permanently revoke this man’s Twitter verification.

Andy mentioned three centers and 1) Not one of them was Connor McDavid, and 2) One of them was Ryan O’Reilly. FACE-OFFS!!!

At first I thought Donny was kidding but he was absolutely not kidding:

“Nobody plays like him.” (!!!!!!)

And my all time personal favourite:

Hahaha, Winnipeg is so cute.