Unconfirmed report: Sekera tears Achilles in Europe, out for the year

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha (uncontrollably sobs) #prayfortheshinpadassassin.

WELP, I wasn’t planning on getting Oilerz drunk on a goddamn Tuesday in August but hey… that’s our hockey club for ya. I’m not sure who the divine being was but we clearly pissed him or her off and that celestial sack of unholy assholes really hates our shit. Even if the reports are untrue, the fact that this is happening to us on an otherwise lovely and smoke-infested Tuesday afternoon in August is so unequivocally Oilerz it hurts. It hurts bad. Now, instead of enjoying the partly-covered sun and absolutely not thinking about the Oilers at all, I’m sitting in front of my laptop writing a blog about a rumour first reported by a random Twitter user called goddamn fucking Stone Hands and contemplating what the implications would be if we were to place Sekera on LTIR from now until the next major glacial epoch. That would give us the cap relief to overpay Darnell by approximately $2.5 million, plus a no trade clause. We could also bring back Brandon Davidson for the sixteenth time. Or we could rush Evan Bouchard? That’d be cool. Many possibilities to go full Oilerz over a rumour that might not even be true but probably will be true anyways because HAHAH us.

Kris Russell is going to get top four minutes this year and Kevin Gravel will play 50+ games and there’s absolutely nothing we can do about it. I’ll be at the Crown. Or the Bowling Alley. Or probably both. Whatever. Still have Connor.

PS – For what it’s worth, Hank — who may or may not still work for us — says he has a source who says the reports are untrue. If the reports end up being true then blame that source. But if the reports are false then you heard it here first. Classic win/win for ENS. I’m still anticipatingly drinking my sorrows away anyways.

 

Update (3:27): LIKE RIGHT AS I PUBLISH THIS SHIT: