OH BABY!: Jesse, Rattie, Daddy, and the Iceman combine to clobber Canucks

I’m not going to lie, I had a great feeling about this one. There was something about the morning roster report that had me all kinds of fired up. I’m thinking…

We willingly gave him two more years. TWO. Did ya’ll see the game last night? All four lines looked pretty fucking incredible and it’s no goddamn coincidence that this came on the heels of Drake Caggiula being told to try out the press box popcorn. That lineup was fire. It might honestly be better than our opening night roster, assuming Strome recovers in time and also assuming Todd remembers his undying love for the Drake. I’ve been preaching this on the top of Seven Hills for the bulk of about 21 months. And last night my usually ignored prayers to whatever divine being hates my guts finally came to fruition. We healthied Todd’s boy, and followed it up by obliterating the idiot Canucks. Let’s GO:

1st Period

It was all Canucks at the start, but the Iceman is back, baby. He made a couple nice saves to keep the game scoreless before the Oilers terrorizing first line struck first blood:

That was Ty Rattie’s fifth of the preseason, and eighth point. As we are all aware, he was just getting started. What a polarizing first line. Look how Nuge got that piece of turd Michael Del Zotto to take a bite outta what he was serving:

Just HOPELESSLY trying to knock the puck off the Nuge as all six years and $36 million of Loui Eriksson goes for a casual stroll behind the eventual goal scorer. We bark on Looch and his impregnable contract often but Loui Eriksson has 47 points in two seasons with the Canucks. He makes $32,000 per day. Ilya Kovalchuk gasped at that backcheck.

This was the highlight of the period:

Look at this big child. Todd making Jesse serve a penalty is almost as guaranteed as Drake Caggiula getting second unit power play minutes. You think Jesse cares? Hell no. I’m 40% convinced he doesn’t even know what’s going on here. One minute he’s chilling with his teammates. Next he’s in a box by himself. Looking around. Surveying his surroundings. Oh, look, a camera! Jesse knows camera means picture, which means smile. Meanwhile, an entire hockey game is happening in front of him. I seriously love this big goofball. He fucks so goddamn much.

1-0 Oilers

2nd Period

It was a terribly boring period until right at the end when the Mad Ratter scored his second of the game:

His release is very good. And look, a goal without McDavid! He’s done that a few times this preseason, won’t stop people from downplaying his success.

2-0 Oilers

3rd Period

*deep breath*

OH MY GOD!

The goal that embodies everything I’m about. I mean, it was a goal that was meant for me. It was Daddy with the nifty little feed right on the tap of the man who fucks absolutely everything who then released the puck at the speed of the goddamn Millennial fucking Falcon and WIRED IT C-BAR DOWN BABY LET’S GOOOOOO! Holy shit. Play this gif at my wedding.

Ben Hutton’s battle with playing anything remotely resembling defense continued on that play. He’s illogically been tasked with trying to contain Connor McDavid during our last two preseason battles with Vancouver. It’s gone horribly wrong for the Hutton family. More on that in a minute. For now, back to our regular scheduled Jesseing:

JESSE!!!!!!

TWO GOALS IN WHAT FELT LIKE ONE MINUTE HELPPPPP *faints*

IT’S A RAT-TRICK!

Told you Ben Hutton would return. Poor guy got hung out to dry on a two-on-one that featured hottest player in the entire fucking Nebula and the man who now has seven goals and 10 points in three preseason games. Not a hope in hell for the Hutton family. Thanks for participating, Benny.

Before the end of the game, someone other than Jesse and Rattie scored.

That’s Oscar Klefbom on the doorstep with a good heads up play. CREDIT (!!!) to the Big Looch for taking the puck into the slot and putting a good shot on net. I’m all in on this team. One hundred MILLION per cent in!

Jesse with two.

+

Connor with three assists.

+

RATTIE WITH THE HATTIE!

+

ICEMAN WITH THE 35 SAVE TRIP TO SHUTTER ISLAND!!!!!!

+

VANCOUVER LAYING A HUMUNGOUS FART INSIDE THE REAL ROG!

I’m fucking aroused.

6 (!!!!) – 0 Oilers

Thoughts

WOAH

That was almost too much. I have the flu today because, I’m not joking, I was so wired after this game that I stayed up for THREE episodes of SC With Jay and Dan just to re-watch that madness again and again and again. I howled every time I saw Jesse put a permanent dent in that crossbar. This was a preseason hockey game, folks. I think there’s something wrong with me but also I think there might not be anything wrong with me? Like, it’s in my DNA to become spasmodically thrilled every time the Oilers do something that produces even one iota of excitement. Sue me.

Just… look at this shit:

Jesus H. Christ. Bob’s actually not wrong. Normally the propaganda master spits venomous takes all over our eyes but he’s actually correct here. They do look faster. They look confident.

Speaking of speed and confidence, the rumours of Jesse being faster and not skating like Bambi anymore can be put to bed, because they’re so damn true. Watch here as he makes Derrick Pouliot look like a toll booth attendant:

It’s like Connor went on a secret mission to remote Finland this summer and gave Jesse a great power with great responsibilities: his extraterrestrial planet’s turbo button. They thought they only had one, until they discovered they didn’t. So long, Bambi!

 

I haven’t bought one of the new jerseys yet out of spite because Daryl ruined a very good thing. I’m caving. I’m buying a 98 jersey. Jesse forever.

I still want to see this:

RNH-Daddy-Rattie
Yama-Drai-Jesse
Looch-Strome-Rieder
Khaira-Brodziak-Chiasson

In this lovely hypothetical scenario, Drake Caggiula plays for literally anyone else. Kassian is either the 13th or gets traded for a defenseman. Marody would then become a 13th option, and I was all kinds of impressed with his preseason. Or you develop the kid a bit and bring back Upshall as the extra body, once his body actually becomes playable. Or Cammalleri? Dare I say it…

Blue line was kind of meh but the Iceman’s back so *shrugs*

Haven’t talked about Evan Bouchard that much. I like his puck-moving ability, but I’m not exactly sold on his play our own zone. Reminds me a lot of Bear from last year. Personally, if it comes down to the two, I’d rather see Bear here this year than Bouchard. Save another year of Evan’s ELC and give Ethan Bear a legitimate look.

That sound you hear is all of Toronto going YA WELL IT’S ONLY THE PRESEAZON AND RATTIE NEEDS MCNUGE TRY MAKING THE PLAYOFFS EDMONTON *scratches butt*. You idiots lost to Montreal.

Tavares does have four goals in two games. Rattie has seven in three. I’m not implying that means anything. I’m just out here spitting facts. I can’t call it!

Name me someone having a better week than Jesse and Rattie. I’ll wait. Shit:

Okay. Name me someone other than Elmo’s older, drug abusing cousin?

Seriously though, look at this lunatic:

Gritty eats cocaine for breakfast. My first thought was: “Will Gritty challenge Hunter’s current title as the NHL’s Mascot Most Likely to Devour a Child?”

I remember when we unveiled Hunter and I thought, oh my god, they took a loveable wilderness creature and dipped him in a hot tub full of acid. I thought it was crazy. I basically would have completely resented the idea of having a mascot had it not been for the fact that Hunter’s arrival signalled the demise of the Octane. And I was all for that. But now I need psychotic looking mascots. And Gritty was the ultimate challenger for Hunter’s crown… until he wasn’t:

And Hunter remains undefeated because it turns out Gritty can’t skate worth a shit! NOTHING terrifying about falling on your ass like Charlie Brown trying to kick that football. So he just looks like an insane creature. All appearance and no real threat. Hunter cackles at Gritty.

Albeit, Hunter still probably shouldn’t totally sleep on Gritty. Watch this video:

There’s something eerily horrifying about watching that orange blob shake his barrel in deep space silence. His crazy eyes not moving from the camera. Just doing a little jig like he’s a soon-to-be deleted iPhone app.

Just three more preseason games until the real deal. Feed me the regular season, baby. Let’s go.