Undefeated: Oilers remain best team in preseason

My first recap blog in five months ohhhh baby I don’t care what prefix is in front of ‘season’ it’s absolutely go time.

Feels great to be back in the office after some much deserved time off (I’ve done nothing). I’ve officially taken a break from taking a break to recap a preseason hockey game because Jesse scored and I’ve really missed writing these. Mostly because Jesse scored.


There isn’t a part of that enigmatic head that Jesse did not scratch in that six second GIF.

I didn’t recap the Calgary game because A) I heard of maybe two Flames, and B) I absolutely watched Monday Night Football instead of streaming a glorified rookie game. Sorry I’m not sorry. Fantasy football is life. I’m 0-2. Whatever.

1st Period

It feels great to do this again. I’m still in preseason mode. Jesse is not in preseason mode. Roses are red, violets are blue, Jesse fucks:


that trickles five hole


And as if Jesse making me compulsively hyperventilate wasn’t enough:


1-0 Oilers

2nd Period

HAHA things got weird:

It’s funny because Christ, we are gigantic losers for watching preseason hockey. I’m even a substantionally bigger loser for watching the game then staying up and writing like 900+ words about it. Literally, we are not fucking. We are not Jesse. We are not former ENS super star Teeps. It’s people like Jesse and Teeps that Trojan usually targets with their ads, but I don’t fault them at all for advertising orgasm gel during an Oilers game. More than 100% of us are normally doing all kinds of crazy McBoners during roughly 60 of the 60 minutes in a McDavid game. Trojan took a shot thinking maybe the Oilers would dress Connor. We didn’t, but I respect their marketing team for trying. God knows we would have single-goddamn-handedly drove the stock price of Church and Dwight Co. into oblivion had an ad for their orgasm gel appeared seconds after Connor reconfigured the ankles of Troy Stecher.

Ty Rattie got things going without the help of Connor McDavid (!!!) but with the help of Anders the Giant Rebound Machine launching the puck out to North Vancouver:

The Canucks responded like cowards:

That was kind of nice. Who cares.

2-1 us.

3rd Period

Check out this play along the boards by the man who has to earn everything that Drake Caggiula is inherently given:

Fuck me up. Hearing that Jesse would be starting the year on the third line with Ryan Strome gave me a femoral hernia, but I have to admit, they looked unreal together. I liked it, Todd, you turd huffing imbecile. That’s an actual nice call. Join me in two months when Drake Caggiula puts his top six minutes straight into an industrial-sized incinerator.

Vancouver scored on Big Al. Then Ty Tavares finished the Canucks:

If John scored that goal, TSN would replay it in 2028. Thanks for participating, Ben Hutton. Hope to see you on the ice against McDavid soon.

4-2, finalllllll.



I mean, the Iceman is BACK. Preseason, Regular Season, Gold Jacket, Green Jacket… who gives a shit? Cam looked fuego last night and dammit we needed a performance like that. In case you were like me and didn’t care about the Calgary game, Mikko Koskinen stunk a lot. This was a critical first preseason game for the Iceman, and he was damn near perfect. All 4,000 Nucks fans in attendance GASPED when the glove of Edmonton’s favourite dad robbed the bejesus out of that raging idiot Nikolay Goldobin.

It wasn’t all good news. I’d like to extend an official ENS thoughts and prayers to the Strome family. Ryan’s ankles were retied last night:

That’s Canucks top prospect Elias Pettersson (pronouned Ell-eee-as, like a humongous asshole) who made Strome drop harder than Hank’s wife on a seesaw. We had the unfortunate displeasure of listening to John Garrett call the game last night. John Garrett is horrendous. Every third phrase that spewed out of his mouth was how bonerific Elleeeeeassss Pettersson is, like as if a 161 lb Swede who wears a small planet on his head will be enough to actually draw crowds at Rog Jr. this year.

Jesse was lights out dominant. He refused to be pushed off the puck. He scored, he created the turnover that lead to the game winning goal. He was the machine I’ve always knew him to be. He didn’t look like Bambi. That’s so goddamn exciting. He’s poised to have a big year, book it.

Drake Caggiula was invisible. Two years.

Ty Benson and Kailer Yamamoto also continue to impress. Benson’s been a diamond in the rough, so to speak. He absolutely has the talent to play at this level, but has never been healthy enough to prove it. This could be the year. Could he get fourth line minutes? I know he’s not a fourth liner, per se. And I’m not saying right out of training camp, either. I’d like to see him seasoned in the minors for a bit. But if the top nine are relatively healthy, there could be some NHL minutes to be had on line four. Shoot Pontus Aberg out of a cannon, go back in time and give Drake Caggiula the opposite of a contract, trade Kass for a defenseman, and let’s open up some minutes for the kids who deserve it.

I’ve been a big fan of Ryan McLeod ever since we drafted him and the kid continues to impress. Naturally don’t rush him, but wow. He’s been stellar. No, Bob, that doesn’t mean he’s Patrice Bergeron.

We hit a second round pick at about the same rate that Halley’s Comet orbits the Earth and Bob IMMEDIATELY compares him to Mr. Selke. I look forward to Bob’s illogical Tampa Bay Lightning comparisons this year.

We’re 2-0 and Connor hasn’t played a second yet. Too early to say the NHL is doomed? I can’t call it!

In unrelated news, the Ottawa Senators are a fucking disaster:

Could you IMAGINE if Peter said this to our faces?! Say what you will about the Pistol (I say a LOT) but at least he has the low hangers to TRY and spin our failures into something positive. At least he fucking pretended to have a plan! Dorion said they have a TEAM!!! (!!!!!)

Forget the Oilers, the Cleveland Browns laugh at your ineptitude, Ottawa. I feel so sorry for all 15 of their fans. You’re unequivocally fucked.

Other News

I never spoke of Darnell’s new contract because, I won’t lie, I was in the library like a goddamn nerd and couldn’t figure out how to work the public computers. Yes, the man who designed his own website struggled to log into a PC regularly used by elementary kids. Obviously I was way too embarrassed to ask what I was doing wrong, so I just gave up and continued to study.

So this is my official Nurse contract recap: hell ya!

Listen, hardly anyone gives the Pistol shit like I give the Pistol shit. But credit where credit is due, that was some excellent negotiating. Very unlike Drake Caggiula and Leon Draisaitl, Peter channelled his rational intelligence and used Darnell’s lack of arb rights to the team’s advantage. And he got that ever important second year added to the contact. NEEDED that. Good job, Peter. You didn’t mess this one up.

Ya’ll know that means he’s due. Pray.

Lastly, I wanted to give a special shoutout to “The Brick Jungle” aka the Dale aka Akinsdale Arena, which will be renamed “Jarome Iginla Arena”:

It will forever be the Brick Jungle because, let’s be honest, that barn is never getting a revamp. But I’ve had infinity great times in that old palace. #PackTheDale during Merch Madness will now become #PackTheIggy, which absolutely sounds like a sexual innuendo involving Iggy Azalea.

St. Albert forever.