GBD Predators (6-1-0)!!! @ Oilers (3-2-0): The losing streak v. Nashville ends TONIGHT

Tuesday, March 18, 2014. Apple launched the iPhone 5C in Europe. Mr. Peabody & Sherman took home first place in the weekend box office. Enrique Iglesias released Sex and Love, which I personally haven’t had the chance to check out but I bet it’s filled with fucking absolute bangers. And the Edmonton Oilers defeated the Nashville Predators. Nuge and Klefbom are the only two players left from that team. Vickie Fasth was the winning goalie. Phil Larsen had a point. Phil Larsen was fucking terrible.

Four years. Four years and we haven’t been able to beat these idiots. I’ll save you guys the All Time Record section and just tell you it ain’t great (it’s 26-36-3-6). Couldn’t even beat them during that outlier of a season where we actually made the playoffs. That’s a span of 12 consecutive games in which we’ve lost to this piece of hell team. Four years. That was four iPhones ago. Marijuana wasn’t even legal in Canada yet. Caitlyn Jenner was still a Bruce.

Who cares. That ends tonight. Our past is our past and there’s nothing that will ever erase the godforsaken history we’ve elicited but we can create a better future starting right now by beating these piss-coloured shit baskets.

It’s game day, baby. Let’s go!

Tonight’s Opponent

Nashville Predators LMAO WHAT A FLEX:

Holy smokes, Teeps! Regular season conference champions!! That impeccable accomplishment earned them a second round exit at the hands of WINNIPEG. Don’t think I didn’t forget this team lost to one of my arch rivals. I will never forgive them for making Winnipeg feel relevant. Fold this team and stuff their remains into a dead catfish.

Our Lineup

Our first line has actually improved with the addition of Kailer Yamamoto (I’m kind of stunned but alright). Corsica now has it as the fourth best first line in hockey. The line with undeniably the best player in hockey moves up to number four and I’m celebrating like we won a Battle of Alberta.

Gravel was called up but looks like Garrison will play for the injured Benning instead. I seriously don’t know if it’s better or worse that Jason will draw in but I can’t imagine that Kevin Gravel is worse than the guy who is just a fucking terrible NHL defenseman. Guess we’ll have to wait at least one more game to find out.

We gave that backup $2.5 million to sit on our bench as Cam begins his successful transition back into the Iceman. I would imagine that Mikko will play on Tuesday, but also Todd loves giving Talbot no less than 70 starts in a year so who actually knows. Whatever. I’m comfortable with the Iceman in the cage. The thought of an unknown actually terrifies me. We’ve had so many bad goalies.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you exactly what a take looks like when you’ve done absolutely no research of your own and base your opinion solely on the fact that you’ve heard of a player. This, from *barfs* SB Nation’s Predators blog, “On The Forecheck“:

After their fall from the playoffs to dwelling near the bottom of the Pacific Division, the Oilers look alright this year.

Correction — Connor McDavid looks phenomenal. The rest of the Oilers, other than Leon Draisaitl, look horrific.

The rest of the Oilers other than (?!?) Leon Draisaitl look horrific?!?!?!?!? The fuck is Bobby Misey watching? I get that he probably doesn’t tune into many Oilers games. Lord knows I never watch the Predators unless they Oilers are playing them. But saying that our entire team is hot junk while semi-praising Leon Draisaitl – who has probably been our third or fourth worst forward after five games – is simply a lazy take. It’s taking a shot because you’ve noticed other people have taken shots at our expense. Yes, Connor is phenomenal, and he’s going to dissever Roman Josi’s lower body tonight, you turbo mouth-breathing package of chicken noodle soup.

Predators Lineup

Give me that bottom pair forever against Daddy’s line. Inject the Connor McNugent-Hopkins Express going full steam into Yannick Weber’s Achilles tendon into my fucking brain.

Ryan Johansen passionately hates Ryan Kesler. On a related note, I’m a big fan of Ryan Johansen.

In case you’re wondering where all the good top four defensemen that we’ve perpetually been searching for are located, I found them. Petey should have tried calling David Poile a long time ago. It’s a coin flip with Poile. Sometimes he makes excellent hockey operations/asset decisions, like trading whatever was left of Shea Weber’s shins to Montreal for PK Subban, or unloading an area of depth and strength to acquire the center depth they desperately needed. And then other times he willingly pays Zac Rinaldo to play hockey for his team. They’re paying Nick Bonino $4.1 million until 2021 because he had a good playoffs or some shit.

This is the second game in a row where we’ll face a “backup” and I say “backup” in those sarcastic quotations because Saros is good enough to be a starter. I would really enjoy shellacking Juuse Saros to the point where Nashville must play Miroslav Svoboda against Connor. All you can eat buffet.

HNIC Lineup

Fuck ya, Randforf, Scotty O, and Big Lou. Love Bob Cole still given’er. Bob will emcee my wedding.

The biggest thing here is that Connor is on After Hours SURE OKAY you know I’m PVRing that and watching it when I get home from the Pint.

And Finally…

Today in: YOU’LL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT JIMMY MATHESON SAID THIS TIME!

Prediction

Sometimes I make these predictions knowing damn well the Oilers are going to get their chins pummelled in, but I pick them to win anyways because that’s the legacy Hank started and I’ll be damned if I break tradition. But straight up, sometimes these predictions get so hysterically bold that even I think, “man, I have to be taking some form of brain-altering medication to even publish this unrealistic shit.” This is not one of those predictions.

Is Nashville the best team in the NHL? Arguably. Do they have the best defense in the NHL? Perhaps. Does Teeps go for spins in his Audi trying to convince himself that Eeli Tolvanen will make the NHL sometime before George RR Martin finishes that goddamn book? He might. Some things are questionable. Some things I just don’t have the answers to. Know what I do know? Connor has 11 in five. Want to know something else? Connor’s the best player in this entire league. That’s not subjective, that’s a fact, like the sun being hot, and Jesse making fucks. We joke about him being a mutant and all that but okay he’s sort of playing with some extraterrestrial swagger right now and you’re either blind or from Toronto if you can’t see that. He’s picked this team up and carried them to three straight wins. He’s never won against the Nashville Predators. He ’bout to do it tonight.

Oilers win 4-2. Connor with a pair. It’s Saturday night and it’s Hockey Night in Canada get me to the Rog Mahal and let’s ignite the Thunderdome BABAAAAAAY.

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