GDB Oilers (0-1-0) @ Bruins (2-1-0): (Finally) Bounce Back Time

The wait is over.

Our second game of the year is finally here, fam. Connor’s BACK! IT’S A McDAY AGAIN! We’ve had eight days of 2018-19 NHL hockey and we’ve been blessed with exactly three periods of Connor McDavid. Auston Matthews has more goals than Connor McDavid has 20 minute frames of puck. I know this because TSN keeps throwing his stats and his piece of shit jackets in my face.

Auston and Toronto’s rise to brilliance has somehow been even more insufferable than we imagined. Auston leads the league in goals (7) and points (10). Connor’s seven goals and eight points back of his usual throne, entirely because he’s only played one goddamn game. The new guy thinks he’s going to come in and… steal the show? You’re wrong, Auston. You’re wrong and I personally guarantee that in about two weeks you’re going to wish you took better advantage of Connor’s European vacation. So take your goals. Take your points. Take your stupid fucking coats. And get ready to move out of Connor’s office. To quote one of my all-time favourite philosophers, Seth Rogen:

Connor’s back, and this is his league. Bring on the goddamn Bruins. Let’s fucking go.

Tonight’s Opponent

Boston Bruins, oh no:

If Peter could go back in time and stop himself from both listening to a bunch of moronic mouth breathers and from getting twisted like a Rubik’s Cube by Jim Nill, you think he does it? That video’s been on YouTube since June of 2014. We hired that man anyways.

Cam Neely is still the Bruins’ President. The Bruins no longer have a single piece from the Seguin trade. But he didn’t finish his hitz and one time he got drunk and took his shirt off, or whatever the fuck.

All-Time Record:

75 23 43 6 3

Oh that’s not outstanding, but we’ve kind of owned the Bruins since 2015, taking six of our last seven meetings. No Patty Maroon to get us a hat trick this time, though. No Petr Klima either.

Record at the TD Garden:

15 5 8 1 1

That looks bad but we’ve actually won three straight at the Gaaaaaden. Prior to that, we had a streak that saw us winless in Boston since 1997.

Oilers Lineup

Position rankings according to Corsica Hockey:

Funny how Corsica still has McDavid has the number one center (and player) in hockey given that all I’ve been hearing is how Auston Matthews has magically erased history and won every Award and Stanley Cup since his birth year. It’s almost as if four games in October mean little in the big picture. Don’t tell Ray Ferraro that, though:

Ray tried to defend this statement after he faced the wrath of the Thunderdome that is all of Edmonton.

Ray, that is not what you said. At least you’ve started to admit your error but Matthews is actually at the Oilers blue line, and McDavid’s all alone in the slot and moments away from shattering Freddy Anderson’s water bottle. Nobody is ever close to McDavid’s generational shoulder.

There’s a Brandon Manning joke somewhere in that, but I won’t say it.

Jesse stays on Strome’s line with *shivers* you know who. Brodziak comes out for the aforementioned unmentioned player on the JP-Strome line. Khaira takes KB’s spot on the fourth line. Top two stay the same.

I wrote 600+ words on the Oilers taking Jesse off Strome’s line and willingly playing Garrison against the Bruins but oops turns out Todd was just psyching me out. Classic Oilers overreaction. That’s what 12 painful years will do to your mentality.

The Nurse/Benning pair got pummelled in Sweden so Todd has kept them together while Bouchard remains undevelopable with Kris Russell.

The Iceman cometh.

Bruins Lineup

Boston’s top line comes in with 18 combined points in their first three games. That’s an average of six points per game. From one line. They’ve played three games and only four other forwards have points, and they all only have one each. Only six other total players on the Bruins have registered a point this year. I’d like to think that Todd will do his best to get 77 and 6 out there against this line at all times, despite being on the road. But one would imagine Bruce Cassidy is foaming at the mouth thinking about what his first line could do to our 3-4 and 5-6. Jesus Christ.

Zdeno Chara is old but still looks like he eats binge-eats smaller humans. I will never get used to Matt Grzelcyk’s name. I obviously had to check and double check how I spelled it, and I’m still not sure I got it right. Who cares.

Update: Halak is starting, because of course he is. Give Connor a backup to shoot on. I dare you.

Key Match Ups

Our first line vs. Chara and McAvoy

Our entire defense vs. Boston’s first line

Our power play vs. generating chances

Why We’ll Win

Look, Connor has a TV. He has an internet. It’s 2018. He knows what’s going on. He’s heard about Auston’s Army and how the Leafs are scoring goals on a pretty much always basis. I can’t predict what’ll happen between now and October, but I will say that, historically speaking, when another player gives Connor a benchmark our captain normally seeks and destroys it. That’s the way he was genetically designed by whatever extraterrestrial planet created him. He’s also sick of losing. We know this because he made that publicly clear during the Awards. I can all but guarantee Connor’s livid about that game 1 of 82 loss. Even if you’re not, Connor is. He’s not starting 0-2. No chance. Mutant mode.

Keeping Boston’s top line off the scoresheet and generating more offensive zone chances, or at least adequate ones, is our key to success. No line really clicked from the opposing blue line south in that game from way back when. I’d ask for Jesse to get some minutes on the top power play but hahahaha ya right.

Fuck Boston

Nobody deserves sports greatest less than Massholes, and yet, year after year after goddamn year these idiots are blessed with some of the greatest teams in their respective sports. The Red Sox appear minutes away from winning another World Series, the Celtics are the only team standing in the way of my Raptors losing to Golden State in the NBA Finals, and the Patriots have made the Super Bowl every year since the death of Christ. And these are the people rewarded by this unprecedented amount of success:

And that’s how I picture them. All of them. Incoherently blabbering Irish-Catholic dip shits with military haircuts, all of whom look like extras from The Town. You want proof that God doesn’t exist? Every time Boston wins a championship, those guys get to celebrate. This world sucks.

Now the Bruins… before getting fired into outer space, it looked as though Peter Chiarelli had methodically guided the Bruins figurative ship directly into a planet-sized iceberg. The Bruins looked like they were headed into a rebuild from hell. Three straight first round picks in 2015 and they passed on Mathew Barzal every single time. Then, like an actual miracle, Boston skipped the tradition 10 year rebuild with countless letters spewed with venomous propaganda to fans and just made the playoffs instead. That’s not what we were told had to happen. We were told that teams had to be bad for an extended period of time and then they’d be good again in exactly TBD. Proof of this is right here, in a production video set to document the Oilers rebuild that was cancelled after like I think maybe year three:

We believed them. We believed all of them. Years from now, I will show my therapist this video when we talk about my permanent trust issues.

And then we hired Peter Chiarelli. If Boston made the playoffs in April of 2015, they might not have shit-canned Peter. And maybe we would have hired someone else. That different GM probably hires a different coach, too. In another universe, Peter’s still the Bruins GM, over there in Boston, signing bad defensemen to ridiculous contracts and giving no-name backup European goalies full NMCs. In that universe, I’m at the Rog Mahal, row 18, Mez Lounge, with my boys, watching the Connor McDavid and the Oilers hoist the Stanley Cup while GM ~anybody~ applauds from his office above. Alas, I’m here, in this universe, where I’ve been punching myself in the dick repeatedly for the better part of 12 years. The Bruins fucking suck.


In the last three years, almost every Oilers-Bruins game has been decided by one goal, and I sense something similar tonight, so I predict that Connor explodes for two and two, makes minced meat of Zdeno’s fossilized ankles, and the Oilers win 6-2. Win column time, baby. Two points! HOCKEY!!! Let’s go!!!!!!