GDB Oilers (1-2-0) @ Jets (3-2-0): Currently 1 above in Winnipeg, hope Todd’s seat is warm

^ That was a great moment in my life right there. I howled when Sportsnet panned the Crowd and showed this lady bawling her eyes out with that stupid fucking Budweiser goal light helmet going off immediately after Anaheim beat the telegraphs out of Winnipeg.

Fast forward to 2018. The team with Connor McDavid is worse off than the team from a city whose inhabitants still get their water from wells.

Tonight’s Opponent

Winnipeg Jets. Are they getting a little cocky for a team that just won their first playoff series in franchise history? I’m of course referring to Winnipeg Jets’ star forward/distant relative of the Malfoy’s, Patrik Laine:

I’m torn here because that is truly an exceptionally smoldering burn, but also who the hell do the Winnipeg Jets think they actually are? Congratulations on eclipsing the 100 point mark for the first time in franchise history, guys. You’re barely the Atlanta Thrashers anymore.

Never forget:

Top shelf, baby.

All Time Record

28 14 8 1 5

Pulverize them.

Record at Their Cute Little Mini Arena

7 3 1 0 3

For a barn that’s allegedly the toughest building to play in that’s a pretty generous record against a franchise that refuses to win hockey games. Only one regulation loss in Winnipeg, and I’m going to include this one in the statistics as well:

Record at Investors Group Field

1 1 0 0 0

Bringing our total to 4-1-3 all time in the City of Flowering Meadows.

Oilers Lineup

You can’t make this shit up:

“Good, Todd!” said everyone, frustrated over the time it took to put an actual right shot on the power play yet still happy to see the coach making this obvious adjustment.

And then it was over. The excitement of having a borderline-AHL winger on the power play SOLELY due to the fact that his right hand is the lowest on his stick came to a screeching halt with the publish of a single tweet. What happened next was arguably the most Oilerzy thing to happen to the Oilers since Dallas Eakins launched a towel at Taylor Hall:

I’ll reiterate: YOU CAN’T MAKE THIS SHIT UP. I’m speechless. Todd chose to simulate a real life good power play instead of, you know, actually implementing one… sooooo the penalty kill is ready to face an actual NHL power play, or some shit? I hate this goddamn coach.

I don’t even care anymore. Even if I publish the lines I’m convinced Todd will change them because they were actually the simulated lines of a competent NHL team instead. Iceman’s in net.

Jets Lineup


Ilya Kovalchuk is still the franchise leader in goals and points. He never played for the Jets.

Corsica says that’s the fifth best first line in hockey (ours, by comparison, is 13th WITH Connor fucking McDavid).

Corsica also says their second line is the fifth best in hockey (ours, by comparison again, is technically somehow the 19th but they could easily pass as the 31st).

This is a deep hockey team. They will murder you in your sleep if you decide to take naps like the entire second line has done over the course of three games:

Not a great look for my boy Jesse there either. He still fucks though.

Why We’ll Win

For the first time in my adult life I’m actually torn. I don’t want to say I don’t want them to win, because that would be false. I want them to win. Oilers wins genuinely make me happier. But It’s also been three games and the system looks like a hot pile of dog shit and I truly believe this team has enough talent to sneak into the playoffs, and we’re absolutely still at a point where having a proper system in place could help us achieve that. This coach, make no mistake, is completely psychotic. It’s like he’s purposely going against what everyone thinks of wants like he’s on some sort of embarrassing flex, as if to demonstrate how much power he still has on the roster. I mean, even Peter has to be up there looking down at this misery and thinking, “Okay, I didn’t fuck it up THAT bad, did I?” At the end of the day, if you have Connor McDavid your power play should be, at the bare minimum, hovering around slightly better than mediocre. Throw four other plugs out there and Connor could still probably set up enough chances that at least some of the pucks will get in the net. Instead, Todd’s exercised his right to be a power-hungry delusional idiot. I believe that Todd’s implemented a system that has stunted the potential of even Connor McDavid, never mind the entire hockey club. If our power play was adequate Connor probably would have had around 120 points last year. As much as I hate to say it, could you imagine Connor on the Leafs power play? That system is lethally effective and our idiot head coach is out here not even trying to figure out how teams have easily prevented stopping five left-handed shots. Now, quickly delete that from your memory and never imagine “Connor” and “the Leafs” again unless it’s Connor circling Kadri before rocketing it by Anderson and then fucking Mitch Marner’s girlfriend.

So, it’s not that I want them to lose, it’s that I simply don’t care anymore. The Oilers have crushed my spirit down into so many micro-fragments that even I am left sort of shrugging at the idea of watching hockey’s best and most exciting player every time he’s on the tube.

Alright, But Will We Win?

Absolutely. Fuck the Winnipeg Jets.


Connor goes full Connor and gives the city of Winnipeg their first Watt of electricity since the coal miners went on strike. 4-1 Oilers (even I think that’s bold but who cares), Daddy McHatty today. I actually feel it. PP goes 0-3 but Connor gets a shorthanded breakaway goal and two more at 5v5. This is an incredibly specific prediction. I miss Yak.

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