MAB: An 0-2 swift kick to the junk

We are all Connor. That was shortly after the first goal. We ended up losing 4-1.

Well, it’s not a great start. On the Mr. Brightside, we get the Rangers tomorrow, and they look pretty bad too. Of course, there’s always that lingering possibility that we lose to the Rangers and the Jets, segueing into our home opener already down 0-4 on the year. I’d say I’d pay money to hear the Rog Mahalers welcome the team back home with an 0-4 record… but I already have. I could have said no. I could have saved my money and spent it on something more meaningful, like a charity or the Pint, rather than help pay for Daryl Katz’s LA mortgage. Alas, I’m addicted to this team, and I do mean addiction in its negative connotation, like crystal meth.

1st Period

Oh no! Zdeno!!

All that Matthews talk despite the fact that the guy’s played a billion games against the worst defensemen not belonging to Edmonton in the NHL and Connor just goes for a stroll by all 8 feet 10 inches of Zdeno Chara – the behemoth who speaks 40 languages and rides stationary bikes in saunas. It gives me to joy to watch a hall of fame defenseman get pulverized like that as “sad” does not even begin to describe Zdeno Chara’s forlorn attempt at covering Connor McDavid on this play. I know Old Yeller has lost a stride or three but that was awful to watch. T’s and P’s, Zdeno.

And that was all the fun we were allowed to have.

Adam Larsson took a penalty. Did we kill it?

We did not. This was not a great play by Matt Benning, who wrongly anticipated a drive into the slot and thus was buried alive by David Pastrnak.

Then Jujhar Khaira took a penalty. Did we kill it?

Again, we did not. Nice deflection in front.

It was a bad bounce, though, really. That’s a shit break. Also might have been a direct kicking motion, though. I don’t know. I won’t say it.

He actually played pretty okay five on five. He was simply atrocious in all facets of the rest of the game (4v5, 5v4, 4v4) but at least he wasn’t as useless as he normally is during the bulk of the minutes of a hockey game.

Penalty kill rate at this point in 2018-19: 25%. We fired all of our assistant coaches from last year. Same results. Same systems. One common denominator.

Thirty-some seconds later:

Milan looks like he got tripped into the boards (no call) and then it’s a two on one and it’s in the net. Was it a trip? I’m not sure. This entire play wouldn’t have happened if:

  1. Adam Larsson wasn’t an entire planet out of position, and:
  2. Kailer Yamamoto recognizes the defenseman is out of position and covers the position instead of going into an already lost puck battle.


Todd will take this out on Jesse Puljujarvi. Literally wasn’t on the ice for any of this shit.

3-1 Bruins

2nd Period

This was truly a terrible fucking period of hockey.

Almost had a chance at the end when Bouchard swung a pass backdoor right-side to a wide-open Leon Draisaitl. However, Leon shoots left, and the puck was delivered in such a way that only a person with a right-handed shot could have put it in. It’s almost as if having a right-handed forward on the power play would be beneficial. Oh well.

3-1 Bruins

3rd Period

Debated switching to the football game because ya boy has Alshon Jeffery on his fantasy team and Janoris Jenkins began the game by doing the exact opposite of covering him.

I didn’t. I chose the torture.

So what happened here was, Nuge hit his second post in as many periods:

And then Toby Rieder, who is low key very fast, flew by the Bruins power play unit and generated a short-handed scoring chance:

Anyways the only goal was scored by the Bruins into an empty net on like their third attempt in the zone because our attempt at clearing the puck was delivered right on the tape of Patrice Bergeron.

4 to fucking 1, final.


And the Oilers come out of the gate starting the season like!:

Auston Matthews, two more goals against Detroit. I am physically ill.

“4 on 4”

I don’t know what else to say?

Oh, Matt Benning (friend of the blog, good kid, tough start) somehow survived that Pastrnak mutilation, only to get plastered into the glass literally one period later:

Not good. It’s bad in slow motion. That’s a hit from behind. That’s, at a MINIMUM, what Khaira was penalized for in the first. No call. Fucking glass came out and everything. Not that a power play would have mattered. Five left shots.

I’m taking five straight shots this weekend in honour of our five left shot power play.

Hottest Take of the Night

Coach going on a huge limb.

Shitty is still shitty, even if it’s slightly less shitty than its only comparable of the year.

I’ll say this: I think they played better five on five. I italicized “better” because, while their zone entry stats did improve from what was one of the worst performances we’ve maybe witnessed since we began tracking that stat, their shot attempts were still very disappointing for the majority of the game. The third period was better, no doubt. The second period was a categorical humdrum, and that six minute bloodbath of a window in the first period was akin to the final 30 minutes of Reservoir Dogs. But hey, we had seven more shots in this one!

Fix your goddamn special teams, Todd. Fix them. FIX THEM!!!


The Game as a Song

Mötley Crüe: “Home Sweet Home”: