MAB: An NHL record and the most unexpected result since maybe April of 2017

Connor’s cellies are the Connor McDavid of NHL cellies.

Guys, I still can’t process it. I have no idea what we watched last night. Of all the emotional roller coasters this team has spontaneously forced me ride, this one was perhaps the most unexpected. I was fuming before puck drop, craving booze by the halfway point of the first, and my only thought by the end of the second period was how badly I wanted to beat this team to death with a yoga mat. And then something happened. Something so stupid that only a team as miserably stupid as the Oilers could pull the feat off. To steal that legendary, 1980 Olympics quote from the great Al Michaels: “LET’S FUCKING GO!”

1st Period

(This start was junk):

What happened there was two very bad shifts of hockey from some players who were on the ice for both goals. I won’t say who was involved because I am programmed to never say anything bad about the City of St. Albert. I didn’t even question the decision to shutdown the Pig. I will not say it. Just a bad sequence of events on a couple events involving the same people. And that’s all you’ll get from me.

Also Jason Garrison. Baffles me that he was unclaimed last season after being waived by an expansion team. I’m truly perplexed.

For the sake of my mental health and for the love of all things McGod PLEASEEEEE call up Ethan Bear and waive Jason Garrison.

Anyways. We have a McDeath alert ohhhhhhhh nooooo RIP Jacob Trouba!!!!:

Oh, Jacob. What a dumbass* name.

3-1 Jets though because HELL.

2nd Period

NOT GOOD HOCKEY so let’s just go ahead and skip that shit.

3rd Period

And. Here. We. Go!

First the record tying McPoint:

Connor doesn’t want to talk about his NHL records (more in a minute) but I do. Connor McDavid set an NHL record like, oh, 3.75 games into the season. Seriously… man, if he keeps this up they might even start comparing him to NHL legend, Auston Matthews.

Did you see that play? It wasn’t on purpose, I don’t think. But, like, it also could have been on purpose. I mean… look I’m not saying he intentionally did it, I’m just also not saying he didn’t not intentionally do it. Okay. We have a new record!!

Put that on a plaque and send it to the hall of fame! Peter Chiarelli can get an honourable mention for contributing to this record by building a team so terrible it’s functionally incapable of scoring without their mutant captain impacting the goal in at least some capacity. You know damn well Peter’s plan included setting a 30 year NHL record. He learned that at Harvard.

And speaking of the hall of fame! Watch Jesse SOAR through the air like he’s Bobby Orr:

LIVE LOOK AT ME this exact moment when Connor got his ninth point in a row and Jesse went full fucking SUPERMAN and the Edmonton Oilers somehow tied the game:

OH BABY IT’S TIED!!!

Also, look, just to clarify – and I’m sorry for another “I’m not saying” thing but real talk – I’m NOT saying Jesse Puljujarvi is Bobby Orr, I’m just asking if anyone has ever seen them in then same room together?

OVER TIME GIVE ME DARYL FLYING UP THE ICE LIKE HE’S CONNOR MCDAVID OR SOMETHING

At this point the Jets were doomed. Stood no chance. Over time is our time. It’s game over in Edmonton. It’s like bringing Mariano Rivera out in his prime. Enter Sandman playing and everything. You are DEAD. Nik Ehlers is DEAD. Patrik Laine, their beloved amish Super Villain, is DEAD. Guy had a Milan-Draisaitl over time-esk backcheck and it left all the poor people in Winnipeg throwing their hot porridge across the room, the children, crawling into a corner in the attic as Papa screams at his radio because it’s over, the comeback is complete, and the Oilers are maybe going to the Stanley Cup.

5-4 Oilers, Finalllllllllllllll

Thoughts

We did it…

We actually did it!!!

WE CAME BACK AND CONNOR SET AN NHL RECORD AND THEN CONNOR PROCEEDED TO BREAK HIS OWN NHL RECORD LIKE FIVE MINUTES LATER HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH *deep breathe* AHHHH HAHAHAHAHAHA oh my God that’s two straight baby let’s shake and bake and dance it up:

Please tattoo this celebration onto my chest:

I love you *faints*

Connor doesn’t want anything to do with that record:

Would this have been a more-celebrated record had Connor set it in, like, the first game of the year? Perhaps. Even like the first game and then the first period of the second game of the year. Four games? Okay, not the BEST record in the world. But it’s still a record. It’s still on Connor’s ever growing resume. And now the team has a little faith instilled. Daryl’s goal was proof that they, in fact, are allowed to score without Connor’s help.

We came back down three goals in the third period for the first time in what feels like 10 years to beat the dumbass* Jets in their pathetic mini arena OH MAN that felt good.

*Doesn’t fire Todd today*

Drake hasn’t played terrible there I said it.

Our blue line needs help in the form of never healthy scratching Evan Bouchard again and also calling up Ethan Bear.

Hear me out but what if we went something like this:

8 – 97 – 98
22 – 93 – 29
27 – 18 – 56
91 – 28 – 16

Leon doesn’t drive his own line and Jesse actually gets to play with skilled hockey players? Mmm. Shift Rattie to the left side for that one tee let’s go.

We get yet another win against the Winnipeg Jets. Daddy’s once again grabbed this league by its plums. Jesse gets bumped up a line and immediately fucks. Cam gets left out to dry for 40 minutes then proceeds to keep the boys in the game when Winnipeg started to turn it up late in the third. And most importantly, Connor McDavid gave all the doubters and haters a middle finger the size of the former 170th street landfill we actually scored a goal without the help of Connor cue that music one more time, Darnell!:

Taylor Hall tripped just watching that t-drag. Daryl’s been watching Connor let me tell ya ohhhh baby thoughts and all kinds of prayers to the Ehlers household.

Hottest Take of the Night and Possibly The Hottest Take in the Recorded History of Humanity:

!!!!!!!!!!

This man took out his cell phone, then opened up Twitter, then typed this take up and thought, “Yep, this is a great take! SEND IT!” And then he actually did send it!! WOW!

Off the grocery list of things wrong with the Edmonton Oilers, THAT’S what PrepaidFuel wanted to vent about. I’ll complain about Connor at game NEVER.

One More Time for the People in the Back!

Nuge with a quiet three apples, Jesse being Jesse Iceman doing that comething and CONNOR WITH DAT NHL RECORD give me ten Fam I’ll see ya at the home opener!

PS:

* YOOOOOO MAN that one buddy Jacob who called me a “dumbass” for writing that post about us beating the Jets and then we go ahead and beat those stupid Jets OH NO YOU REALLY HATE TO SEE THAT!

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