Oilers (0-1-0) projected lineup for tomorrow’s game is… woof

Oh no. Positive Shanny is having a real life near meltdown right now. But I won’t unleash. I simply refuse to relapse just three periods into the season. Especially over something that might not even be true… right? I mean, these are just a couple of lines from a practice on the day before a game, ya feel? It’s probably nothing.

Credit me for attempting to be somewhat more positive this year but my fucking actual NUCLEAR hell they make it difficult sometimes. And we’ve only played THREE (3) periods of hockey. Three. Todd… what you doing, bud? I won’t get angry. I’ll just stay here, quietly disappointed, drowning in the toxically acidic pool that is my own mind. I mean, it’s kind of obvious that JP, despite how much that guy fucks, is quickly transitioning into the coaching staff’s new Yakupov – ironically another ENS Hall of Famer – except at least Yak was an unmitigated disaster in his own end. Puljujarvi doesn’t bleed shots against (in fact, it’s kind of the opposite…) and his transition/forecheck game is quite strong for a (still very) green 20 year old. I’m not so much angry at the fact that he isn’t in the top six (he could easily be in the top six, but I sort of like him with Strome). However, like many of you, I believe having a cannon of a right-handed shot coming from an absolute unit of a man-child on the power play would be mutually beneficial to both the 20 year old player and the hockey club. Alas, Todd’s unparalleled nincompoopery and complete inability to properly asses what the fuck is actually going on is once again on display:

And we thought this year might be different. Literally clueless. It’s actually like he pulls fabricated stats directly out of his own asshole. His entire staff got fired last year in what one could perceive as a blatant attempt to wake him the fuck up and it’s apparently unfazed Todd to the point where it almost looks as though he’s doubling down on last year’s mistakes instead of, I don’t know, maybe learning from them? Our coach is an idiot, but I won’t get angry, because Idiots have been known to win Stanley Cups. Just look at our GM.

Jason Garrison appears to be dressing in a road game that features arguably the best first line in hockey. Garrison, who is a shot-bleeding catastrophe, should see a lot of ice against the Marchand-Bergeron-Pastrnak line assuming Bruce Cassidy has a functional brain. Again – let me reiterate – we are willingly doing this to ourselves because our choices in the six spot right now include an 18 year old rookie who’s fresh off a pummelling and an elderly man who was waived by the Vegas Golden Knights just minutes into their literal existence. This is partially because Andrej Sekera’s body has the foundation of recycled rice paper, but is also reflective of our GM’s desire to spend an irrational amount of term and money on what’s quite simply just dreadful blue line. Taylor Hall, Jordan Eberle, two first round picks, and another former first overall pick we’re all traded and our blue line still looks like the ugly side of Harvey Two-Face. Jason Garrison. Game two.

Am I being overdramatic? Of course I am. That’s life in Edmonton, baby. That’s what 12 years and 13 playoff games will do to you. That’s what sitting on a demoralizing loss for basically five whole days while simultaneously digesting what feels like a century’s worth of Auston Matthews and the insufferably torturous takes that have accompanied his agonizingly fucking good start will do to you. We are programmed to mentally self-destruct after even the most minimal sign of misery.

However, I’ll continue to be positive. Would hate to go all negative on the team just 60 minutes into our season. First game day blog of the year coming in fuego tomorrow. Let’s go.

PS – You know this is so damn true.

OG Todd would buy Puljujarvi’s pizza and eat it with him while funnelling a 12 pack of Pilsner. This one’s for Hank: