GDB Oilers (8-6-1) @ Lying Scumbags (3-5-3): Give me my goddamn jerseys

You pathetically misleading idiots.

“Rivalry” is a powerful psychological phenomenon. It exists when one character places greater significance on the outcomes of competition against certain opponents as compared to others, as a direct result of his or her competitive relationships with these aforementioned opponents. From the perspective of fandom, rivalries can develop based on geographical locations (the Flames, for example), or due to the relocation of a former player (the Ducks and Chris Pronger, as another example), as well as some historical relevance due to regular post-season competitions (this is why I’ll always hate the Dallas Stars) or the bullshittingly venomous media coverage of a specific organization (this is why everyone hates the Leafs) or because you just don’t like their shit (looking at you, Winnipeg), or you were promised a specific kind of apparel with the purchase of two or more season tickets but that said apparel you were promised was actually a fugazi and never actually arrives because the organization involved is run by Enron execs who treat promises like their fans treat those shitty little plastic fucking rats SOLELY for the purpose of encouraging people to attend games and watch their bum-ass franchise get killed at home.

I hate this team. I will forever hate this team. Phil and Tiger are like in their mid-50s and still battling it out for $9 million in head-to-head competition. I’m 27 years old and, in the unlikely event of finding a woman who wants to make babies with me, I will pass down my despise of this abhorrent NHL franchise to future generations of Shanny if these equivocating Judas-worshipping scumbags haven’t moved to Houston or Quebec City by then.

*deep breath*

The Oilers have lost two straight and are playing the Florida Panthers tonight. You bet your ass I’ll be watching this one. No Drake concert or Pint night will keep me away this time. Fuck the Florida Panthers with Vincent Viola’s MAGA hat.

Tonight’s Opponent

You already know. Look at this POS:

Hey we’re the Florida Panthers we can’t afford to give out the free jerseys we promised but our mascot can dump an entire CONTINENT of popcorn on opposing fans.

Their mascot’s name is Stanley C. Panther because they thought they had a chance of winning a Stanley Cup. Nothing about this franchise is good.

Head-to-Head Record

18-11-3 YES BOYS

Our Lineup

Jesus Christ. JP and Yama need to go to the minors tomorrow and Marody needs to be recalled again. This is getting ridiculous. Also, i’m not sure if Jesse is actually on the LW or not tonight. We’ll know by puck drop. I’ve been low-key advocating to get him on the left side where (I think, anyways) his release would be better suited. His LW tryout will be with the line whose shit was absolutely in against Washington and Tampa.

Also, I may not have watched too closely but don’t think I didn’t notice that Strome spent all of six seconds with Caggiula as his LW instead of Lucic and then subsequently scored his first of the year. That’s also me praising Drake Caggiula. Look at what the Panthers do to me.

Anyways, Drake moves back to the right side where he’ll rejoin the boat anchor and Strome, who is officially on a one game goal-scoring streak. RED HOT BABY.

Milan Lucic unfortunately escaped a four year suspension after his little scuffle with Mathieu Joseph.

That looks Khabib’s finishing move on McGregor.

Okay, in all seriousness, the only reason the NHL looked at this is because Milan chased a human being around the ice like he was trying to collect some money (ironically, Milan Lucic lost money in this event). This was one of the rare times I was sitting back hoping that the NHL would make a huge mistake and suspend a player for an absolutely non-suspendible offense. The NHL may have inadvertently punished us even more by not suspending him for a few games. More on this in a minute.

Despite not getting a point for only the second time in 15 games (goddamn you so much, Ty Rattie), Connor is still only two points back of his Throne. He’ll have to do it against Bobby Lou tonight.

On defense…:

We continue to roll a 2nd pair of two RHD because god knows. It’s apparently between Benning and Garrison for the six spot tonight. I cringe. Is Ethan Bear heathy yet? I hear Caleb Jones has been looking good. We need help, and not in the form of “I trust Chia to make a trade that will acquire help.” No, we need help in the form of “our green-prospect minor leagues cannot be worse than this shit.”

Oscar Klefbom is fifth in the league in TOI per game. Think about that. The whole league. He’s fifth. Fuck Andrej Sekera and his rice paper anatomy.

Iceman starts. He’s 5-2 all time against Florida.

Their Lineup

They brought in a continental breakfast of assorted new players (including Mike Hoffman, Troy Brouwer, and something called a Bogdan Kiselevich). Add 26 Mike Hoffman’s for all I care. It won’t matter. This franchise is functionally incapable of obtaining success. Every league has one. The Carolina Panthers and Tampa Bay Lightning are both Stanley Cup winning organizations from hockey’s south east wasteland and meanwhile, Florida is still trying to make consecutive playoff appearances for the first time since 96-97. They’re essentially the Thrashers without relocation.

Actually, let’s look at some of the organization’s additions. Mike Hoffman was exiled from Ottawa for dating the only woman crazier than Rosamund Pike’s character in Gone Girl. Frank Vatrano, a Massachusetts native, was traded by Boston for not being good at hockey. Troy Brouwer is in Florida… I swear to god I had no idea. The Flames are paying 64% of his total salary this season. He has two points in 10 games, which is actually one less than Lucic in five less games. Keep in mind, this is the team that willingly dumped Jonathan Marchessault and Reilly Smith so that Vegas wouldn’t take one of the team’s illustrious 5/6 defensemen.

I know Alex Petrovic personally. Great guy. Awesome family. Vegas still would have picked one of Riley Smith and/or Jonathan Marchessault without Dale Tallon giving them both away. Think about that: Dale Tallon got boned by Vegas and Peter Chiarelli did not. Puts a lot into perspective. I would bet my entire life on Florida having some interest in acquiring Milan Lucic.

Bogdan Kiselevich sounds like KHL exile who could have drawn interest from the Oilers.

Bobby Lou in goal. Those good Vancouver years seem like a distant past. I secretly loved Bob in Vancouver, so much that one time I got a little bit into one at the Roxy and started a “Bob Loungo” chant. I hope Connor eats him for dinner tonight.

Okay, so About Lucic

I didn’t have a problem with what Milan did, nor should anyone.

Joseph’s hit on Russell was cheap and dumb and I don’t blame Lucic for roughing up Joseph a bit. I’m all for safety, and I think Milan was relatively calm compared to how he (and others) have reacted in the past. Joseph’s hit on Russell was dumb and was a missed called by the officiating crew. Looch wasn’t suspended, and the fine was $10k, which is basically nothing, but still a little weird to see, especially given that George Parros is the one in charge of handing out these types of punishments. Kind of hypocritical. I guess they fined him for the blatant interference? I don’t know.

Anyways.

I do sort of wish they would have suspended Lucic for a game or two, specifically so we could see a lineup construct that does not feature his $42 million ass herping and derping up and down the ice without an iota of potential to generate offense. That way, Looch comes out without that awkward “we’re sitting a $6 million per year veteran in year three of his seven year deal.” He would have been forced to sit and we could have watched Strome play without the Big Bud 747 strapped to his left wing. But alas, he’s back and he’s looking for just his 8th 5v5 goal since the start of last year. For what it’s worth, Jesse Puljujarvi has 11 in the same time period but in 22 less games.

Prediction

I want to devour them, but because I’ve gone for blood in the last two predictions and we’ve only mustered up one McPoint in that stretch, I’ll downplay my prediction just a tad. 3-2 Oilers. Connor with all three.


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