GDB Stars (12-10-2) @ Oilers (10-11-2): The Cock is home

I haven’t been writing because I haven’t been watching (also this weekend was dreadful as I continued my time-honored tradition of following up Black Friday with Blackout Saturday and just nothing got done). I know it’s my job to pump up this team and get ya’ll juiced up for these games but I’ve just been completely unable to. This team is as unwatchable as ever before and they have the best fucking player in the world on their roster. And I’ve sworn to always be as ethical as possible. It’s in my DNA/pretty sure I needed to promote this in order to fulfill my undergrad qualifications. How can one ethically tell you that this team is legit and that we’re going to bounce back and make the playoffs? You can’t. They’re criminally bad. They’re run by a coconut. Odds are I’m not even going to watch much tonight (Raptors @ Memphis baby let’s go). But in the event that I do keep at least an eye on the game, if not only to see Connor potentially provocatively humiliate the Stars’ defense, I figured now’s a good time to write my first GDB of the Cock Era.

Yes, the Big Bird has arrived. This is the Cock’s first time coaching an Edmonton-based team in Edmonton since like way back when he coached AAA in the Park. I know for a fact that this is something he’s dreamed of since like he started coaching hockey. It’s public knowledge that he’s always wanted to coach this team. I think he would have preferred it to have been in an era where the roster construct didn’t resemble something from the back of an IKEA catalog, but this is the unfortunate hand that Peter’s bald-headed idiocy has dealt him. Hitch has been playing around with the lineup in what’s probably a feeble an effort to discover some sort of magical line combination that makes this abhorrently anticlimactic group of unmitigated elephant shit at least somewhat salvageable in a year where the Pacific Division looks like unconditional diarrhea. Fuck.

Tonight’s Opponent

Dallas. I’m not kidding… I had to look this up. Had no idea we played the Stars tonight. Let me take you back to a time where things were better… a simpler time, where Dallas would perpetually annihilate us in the first round of the playoffs:

 

I was 6-12 years old during the Oilers/Stars rivalry era but I vividly remember every second of it. I hated these bums. I despised Mike Modano. I loathed that oversized vending machine Derian Hatcher. I still puke when I hear Brenden Morrow’s name. I fucking HATED that security guard assaulting/police bribing drunk Ed Belfour. I can go on forever. Sergei Zubov, Jere Lehtinen, Dick Matvichuk, Joe Nieuwendyk GODDAMN Marty Turco who could STILL probably make a breakout pass better than every single one of our defensemen. This team made me physically ill. I’m pretty sure they’re the primary influencer of my sadistic upbringing. And Hitch coached them. All of them. He was the maestro of my early misery. And I’d do anything to have those days back. We weren’t the best team in the league (not even close) but we were fun to watch. We have like 1.5 fun players to watch right now because our GM took all the other fun players and successfully exchanged them for a couple of beans. Except instead of those magic beans turning into a bean stock that leads to a colony of excessively rich giants they’re just ordinary beans that you cooked and ate and then they gave you food poisoning. Fuck Jack Spriggins with that dumbass magic harp.

Our Lineup

I present the aforementioned “playing with the lineup” lineup:

Some important things to note:

1) Jesse fucks on line two.

2) It’s actually Benning and Garrison who draw in tonight, with Gravel and Wideman coming out. I don’t know. I also don’t really care. It’s all whatever.

3) Mikko is in goal because Cam is 0-6 in his last six… you all know I’m the biggest Cam fan in the city, but my god he’s been horrifically horrible and he couldn’t make a clutch save if it hit him in the crest.

4) It’s never a good thing when your lineup features two players named Russell.

5) That said, Kris Russell has actually been probably our most consistent defenseman this year, and that’s saying a lot.

6) It’s McDavid’s fourth year and holy hell that team sucks.

7) Pretty sure Chiasson is going to the left side and Draisaitl is staying on the right, but, as I said with the blueline, whatever the hell anyway.

Okay, straight up I need JP to produce with Nuge and Caggiula, because as much as I rag on the Drake, he hasn’t been as normally useless as he usually is, and Nuge is perfect. And while I still believe that Jesse will be the contributing top 6 forward that I think he can be, it’s getting pretty tough to defend him when it keeps looking like George RR Martin will finish those damn books before Jesse finds consistent NHL scoring. I believe in Hitch. Hitch believes in JP. I need this to work because I’m basically taking out a figurative mortgage betting on JP at this stage. Please, God.

Their Lineup

I’m getting more and more cautious about opening my cursed mouth when it comes to singling out no-name players around the league, but look at this shit:

If you’ve heard of Bayreuther or Hanley or Hintz or Dickinson you’re either a direct relative or you’re lying through your teeth. their second pair is POLAK AND BAYREUTHER. All we have to do is make sure that our home ice advantage gets Connor on the ice against either of those bottom two pairs. If we can’t beat these guys at home then Peter should just do us all a favor and resign.

And Anton Khudobin is their starting goalie. He’s 4-5-1 with a 3.05 GAA this year but you better believe this career backup has played like Marty Brodeur against the Oil in his career (3-2, 2.55 GAA and a 0.915 SV%).

Other Thoughts

I’m serious about Jesse, guys. I need a strong game from him. No penalties. No reaching for the puck. Just quick feet, pucks on net, get in the open areas. Do some simple shit and he should be able to generate at least something that mimics a sustained offensive threat against whatever the hell roster this Stars team is coming here with. This is a slump buster team. I need him to get out of this slump. I love him like a son.

Hitch has been away for too long:

The only thing worse than asset management in this city is our street construction and maybe mosquitos.

Milan Lucic is on pace for 18 points this year and somehow I can’t believe it’s even that many.

I did watch some parts of the game on Sunday. Adam Larsson, woof.

Speaking of woof… Today in Toronto:

LIVE LOOK AT THIS TAKE:

OH MY GOD, the dude literally compared Mitch Marner to LeBron James. AND LOOK AT THESE MOUTH-BREATHING TURD WEASELS:

I mean… ya, they are. The insurmountable insufferableness of Toronto plus the unfathomably dysfunctional dipshittery in Edmonton has me all sorts of fucked up. This sucks so much. And I love Mitch Marner! For real. I think he’s awesome. I think it’s going to be so funny when he asks for $9.5 million per and the good people of Leafs Nation have an aneurysm at the thought of Mitch not taking a discount to play for their beloved idiots. But never mention this kid in the same breath as LeBron again. Ever. One’s the greatest of his generation, the other might be the third best forward on his team. If this franchise wins the Cup I might permanently relocate to that Sentinel Island.

Hall of Fame career for a guy who’s spent two-and-one-quarter years of his career in the NHL. Officially the worst take of the season and we’re only in November. Piss in my eyes.

Prediction

Ugh. 5-2 Oilers I guess. I hope it’s more. Connor’s five back of his Throne now and it’s incapacitating me mentally so let’s give him five tonight and hope that Rantanen gets shutout by the Preds.


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