I break my silence to talk about the coaching change: A Hitchcock in, a Shitcock out

I’ve been boycotting this organization for a week because they’re not worth my time nor effort, but I basically have to say something about this because it’s big news and whatever and I owe it to all the die-hards to really articulate my emotions. I’ll be honest, until this point I really haven’t given the Oilers much thought or attention the last few weeks, what with the Raptors being the best team in the NBA and the Colts looking like the greatest 500 football team in league history. I watched the BoA because it’s my legal obligation as an Albertan, but other than Saturday’s diabolical collapse I haven’t watched a full Oilers game since that L in Washington, mostly because I’m almost completely out of fucks to give. I’ve exhausted all of my fucks because A) the one who usually does them all is stuffed in Bakersfield, and B) I wouldn’t hate it if a hostile extraterrestrial species came and permanently abducted this piece of unmitigated god awful steaming dog shit of a franchise. It’s been four years since that “it’s only year four!” letter and we’re still an embarrassingly pathetic mess, immune to any sort of organizational change that doesn’t involve scapegoating the players for a fictional dressing room culture issue.

Having now said that, you already know, the Oilers flew down to Silicon Valley, greased up Flathead, stuffed him into a SpaceX rocket and let Elon Musk launch the fuck outta him. This, of course, comes almost 24 hours after the latest catastrophic letdown. Replacing him is… Ken Hitchcock? Hitch?

Oh. I didn’t think Q was a realistic replacement (as bad as I wanted him, why the hell would he want to come to Edmonton like okay ya Q is a midwesterner at heart now and I’d bet a lot of money that St. Louis is just waiting for him to sober up after burying that ski shot at the SNF game before hiring him to replace Yeo) but I didn’t see Hitch coming in to try and salvage this mess.

As I type, I have the Chiarelli press conference playing in the background, so I’ll probably add some shit as it happens. But basically, this move tells me that Peter Chiarelli is a dead man walking. Ken Hitchcock is nothing more than a placeholder as far as I’m concerned. He has no interest in coaching beyond this season. As far as I’ve been made aware, Ken has enjoyed his brief time of not being a head coach and wants to continue that (the interview just finished, by the way, and it was as useless as our GM himself). It just has the feel of a move made by an organization to play out the rest of the year and then make a GM change, one that sees the hiring of another GM who then brings in his own head coach. This comes literally months after we just hired a bunch of new assistant coaches. Odds are the new coach, if he is hired from outside (PLEASE be Sheldon Keefe) might not want to keep some (if not all) of the assistant coaches he never hired. Outstanding stuff. That future conversation our new head coach should have with this very recently employed staff should be as cringe-worthy as one of those Questrade commercials.

So, why Ken Hitchcock? Well he’s a baby boomer with Hockey Canada ties, so that has the stench of a $500 Bob Nicholson burger all over it. He’s also from Edmonton, and I believe he’s been spending the bulk of his retirement in the city, so it’s a convenience thing, I guess. I don’t know. Back to the press conference for just one minute because LMAO PETER!

THE ROSTER IS GOOD ENOUGH MY GOD!! The roster sucks butts and you’re the one who constructed it, you bald-headed glasses-wearing one-for-one dealing imbecilic FUCK!

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH didn’t he just say we don’t have a defensemen who can move the puck or some shit MY GOD my blood pressure can’t handle this organization let me tell you.

Anyways.

Kenny sort of adjusted his coaching style over his last two or so years, and he’s actually way more analytical based than you’d think. Here’s what our local media has historically thought of Hitch:

FROM THIS APRIL well good news, James, he’s now coaching the goddamn team you cover. Jimmy’s been hyperventilating all day just thinking about being able to talk about hockey and how millennials killed the real estate industry with his old pal Hitch. I swear to god if I don’t get into the rums tonight.

Actually, lest we forget Hitch used to butter up the Oilers possession game back in that one year where we were pretty good:

I forgot about his raging hard on for McDavid. That’s cool, I guess. One more swan song for Hitch before he makes way for I HOPE Sheldon Keefe and then also tells this godforsaken team who our next GM should be, too.

I am happy that Todd is gone. Todd sucked. Todd was so bad he almost made me consider changing the name of the Dallas Eakins Award. Todd was a stubborn, flatheaded nincompoop who refused to change his methods or adjust to the changing NHL. And I think Hitch will not be a bad thing to ride out the season with (it’s WAY BETTER than just instinctively promoting Gulutzan). But I go back to the top, and by top I mean way beyond that bug-eyed weasel who has purposely depleted all of our assets and who continues to occupy the GM chair. Because you see, therein lies the problem I have with how our organization is run. Ya’ll know Plutarch’s Paradox of Theseus? It goes like this: If, while Theseus is traveling across the sea, a plank from his boat is replaced each day with a new one so that — when he reaches his destination — no part of his boat is the same as when he left, thus eliciting the question of is he still riding the same boat as when he departed? All the parts are technically new, but they were just replacing the parts that already existed on that goddamn boat. Now imagine Theseus’ ship is stuck in a time continuum and the ship is owned by Daryl Katz and cheering for the Oilers becomes exactly like Theseus’ Paradox, if only also Theseus’ boat was always destined to immediately crash into rocks upon departure, give him splinters, turn back around, fuck his wife, and then leave a dump on his rug. Change all the goddamn parts you want, it’s the same stupid ass boat and it continues cause unequivocal havoc on my life.

And look, all of this is not to say that I hope the Oilers don’t go on a bit of a run and make the playoffs, because I do. I can want this team to have success and still passionately despise all those responsible for the creation of our roster/in game lack of entertainment/highlighter jerseys/concrete hellscape of washrooms/Death Star of a Mega Suite. Those two contrasting feelings can absolutely co-exist. And, seriously, I hope we do, at least for the sake of Connor. That said, I have no reason to be optimistic about anything fucking Daryl does anymore — especially as long as he continues to employ the self-righteous assholes who have all caused the bulk of this team’s rather premeditated demise — except for the fact that Connor is an absolute mutant who was put on this planet to destroy defensemen and should be inducted into the Hall of Fame for the next class if he somehow manages to carry the corpse of Milan Lucic plus the rest of Chia’s abhorrent NHL roster into the playoffs.

PS – Not even letting Todd finish his career by playing against his former team was some kind of cold and damn I almost respect it. I hope Bob Nicholson gets food poisoning after eating one of his burgers.

PSS – Straight up I still kinda hate Hitch for all those playoffs match ups against Dallas. Yes it’s kinda bitter. No I don’t care.


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