from the GDB:

PS – Drake will get like five points tonight just because I wrote this. I can feel it in my sack. Just watch. And I’d be happy, because that would mean we probably won the game.

Fucker only got two but still… Two more goals. Three goals this year on actual goalies. He’s like fourth on the team in goals now or something. But at least the traditional media personalities didn’t shove this in our face or anything:

You’d think Drake just discovered how to eliminate carbon footprints.

But this was a game where I did, in fact, choke on every word I wrote in the GDB. I thoroughly enjoy when that happens. It’s actually a win-win for me: I get to vent for like 700-1,300 words and then we end up winning because of all the shit I complained about? Because Drake Caggiula scored two incredibly nice goals? Because Mikko Koskinen looked like Miikka fucking Kiprusoff? Because Jason Garrison scored his first goal since Odysseus built that goddamn wooden horse? Sure! I’ll take that any day. That’s where people get confused. I don’t root against Caggiula nor Garrison nor Russell nor Lucic nor Strome nor any of the guys I pick on. I want them to crush it because if they’re killing it then we’re killing it. I can hate on the coach for making moves I feel are dumb as shit, statistically, or at least on paper while still hoping and praying that everything works out. Also I for sure don’t blame the media for puffing out their chests after one very impressive game from 91. You know I would have been in all their faces had the Drake and Connor 3.0 experiment been an unequivocal disaster. The media won this round. Suck my ass, Cam Ward.

1st Period

Me at the Pint when I’m 40 seconds from yacking but then Shania comes on:

Anyways nothing really happened.


2nd Period

Here it comes!

Of course.

Of courseeeeeeeeeeeeee!!

You little shit. Guy plays like absolute butts on Tuesday/the majority of his career and then looks like a 2002 Mike Comrie in this game.

Good for him. Really. I’m happy. Let’s go Oilers.

Oh and we had a McPoint here, baby:

And then an even bigger miracle happened:

What a shot by… Garrison?!

Well, Mr. Garrison, I think that at this point I was feeling rather optimistic about a murder of crows flying into my mouth.

2-0 Oilers

3rd Period


And down here we have the Drake pointing directly at my dead corpse:

Drake dangled Cam Ward back to Carolina off a great feed from another 2018-19 doer-of-nothing, Jujhar Khaira, and just like that it’s 3-0. And this was shorthanded. Two goals. TWO GOALS. There is a god, and he’s a sadistic fucker like me.

Mr. Automatic:

Guy’s a goddamn Duracell battery, man. He doesn’t stop. Chiasson’s chase of the Rocket Richard will not stop. We all expect him to plummet back to Earth but buddy’s like that Little Engine out there thinking he can and shit. What a play by Leon to anticipate that pass, and the chemistry between Toby and Rieder just continues to grow. Chiasson is only five goals back of Auston in three less games. He will never regress.

Put him on the first unit with Connor and take that landfill Lucic off it THANKS Alex scores 50 this year on PP1’s left wall let me tell you.

4-0 Oilers get lost, Chicago.


Literally suck shit, Ward. Fuck you for 2006 forever. Fuck you for only making saves when you play the Oilers. You bum.

Brandon Manning. Dash one tonight. Hate to see it.

Mikko Koskinen… actually really, really good. Looks like a completely different goalie than his preseason games. Let’s go, baby.

Actually though Koskinen made 40 saves against a tired team WOOOOOF guys. I don’t really want to look too heavily into the numbers tonight because I just want to enjoy this win.

When do you think the last time shit looked like this:

1-2-3 an all-Canadian battle in November WHAT IS GOING ON holy shit, man. Koskinen puts up a 40 save trip to Shutter Island and Caggiula scores two and Garrison just literally scores AND the Flames, Nucks and Oil are 1-2-3? Me:

Go right to hell, California. Love you wine, hate your sports teams.

Gonna be electric when we finish first in the PAC and Calgary get swept by us in the second round.

Oh no:

That Stanley Cup hangover is hitting the Leafs hard, man. Christ. That’s a damn shame. Would be an even bigger shame if they started to turn on their beloved JT oh no fuck that’s already happened too:

“A chip in guy” LOOOOOL BUT GUYS HE HAD THOSE CUTE LEAFS PJs oh no it’s all falling apart! Jeff O’Neill, who is the worst, wanted to suck JT’s toes in August and is now demanding he produce more than what he’s producing at the moment, which also happens to be around his career average. Leaf Nation is IMPLODING. Even Leafs fans in Brazil are sick of this shit:

Brazil. FUCKING BRAZIL! At least when Oilers Twitter erupts it’s usually only the volcanic ash that envelops our team only comes from our Central Alberta’s residents because when Gordo from Legal blows the team up on Twitter from his John Deere it doesn’t even remotely have the same impact as @LeafsBrasil losing it in Portuguese on Tavares for not doing the fucking goal. I LOVE it. I’m getting buzzed off their tears tonight.

Nurse wanted to beat the shit out of Brandon Davidson. The Pint wept a tear. I’m out here in St. Albert and I could still hear my dude Alvin yelling “Nooooooooooooooooooo” from the back bar of that holy centre.

Anotha one for Nuge too. If he gets 100 this year I’ll probably cry. Connor is the heart and brain and all the critical organs of the Oilers but Nuge is our soul, baby. Blows my mind he’s not a permanent assistant captain.



That actually might be Jesus Christ idk I’ve never seen the two of them in the same room to be honest tho, holy smokeshow.

I would sacrifice body parts to have Connor’s hair.

What are the odds Connor does the Tiger Slam of Molson Awards this year?

Guys I’m very happy again. Going to melt all of Detroit’s auto factories on Saturday if they’re even still operational.

Hot Takes

All the hot takes are courtesy of whatever Toronto said about us in the first half of October. Remember: Auston Matthews has zero points since October 15th which, I believe, was also the day Leafs’ fans celebrated their first Stanley Cup in 51 years.

Never forget:

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