MAB: OHHHHH YES HE DID

JESSE IS A FRIEND!

YA YOU KNOW HE’S BEEN A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE!!

BUT LATELY SOMETHING’S CHANGED IT AIN’T HARD TO DEFINE!

 

THIS GUY GOT HIMSELF A FUCK AND I WANNA KEEP HIM IN THE TOP SIX FOR LIFE!

SUCK MY ASS, TODD!

You want me to say it, so I’ll go ahead and say it. Okay. Truth is… I was watching the future-June matchup between the Raptors and the stupid idiot Golden State Warriors go back and forth against each other’s throats last night, and I missed seeing my boy score LIVE in those beautifully spectacular royal threads. I didn’t have to tell you guys but that’s just what kind of blogger I am. Big props to me for being honest. However, that’s why I let go of Teeps… so I could afford SportsnetNOW. I went back and rewatched his artistically marvelous dangle-and-bar-down-wrist-shot crash the net goal no less than 98 times. I loved it. I cheered every time like it was a new goal. In the words of my fifth favourite ’90s alt-rock band, Third Eye Blind: “I’ll never let you go!”

JESSE AND KAWHI FOREVER BABY WHAT A NIGHT FOR YOUR BOY LET’S GO BABYYYYY!

FIRST GODDAMN PERIOD

THEN YOU ROLLED IN WITH YOUR HAIR IN THE WIND BABY WITHOUT WARNIN’!

HEYYYYYYYYYYYY, HEY BABY! *oo, ah* I WANNA KNOWWWWW-O-O-OOOOO *oh oh oh* IF YOU’LL BE MY DUDE!

I’m just shouting lyrics of songs I know right now but WOW. WOWOWOWOWOW. Jesse now has more goals in about half as many games as the guy who makes $6 million yet still needs to have a line-nickname to justify his existence. Also his two goals move him into a tie for 6th on the team in that category HAHAHA we traded everyone away and got nothing back!!!

At least we snagged a 5v5 goal from someone other than Chiasson or McDavid or Draisatil or Nuge or the Drake.

Speaking of the last guy I just said there… he’s been awesome. He’s been so, soooo awesome. Once again props to me for admitting this (wow I’ve done well at admitting things today good for me). Maybe that sack of useless assholes Todd was onto something by pampering him like an only child because the Drake’s been great. That was a perfect drive-the-net-to-create-a-scoring-chance play, followed up by my big manchild cleaning up the trash, in front of whatever’s left of Jonathan Quick’s meniscus.

And then this… before we get into it, I just wanted to say something. They said it was impossible. They said he couldn’t keep going. And yet, the People’s Shooter struck again:

Chiasson on the spot! That’s his 11th (!!!!!) goal in 19 games. He’s two shy of a career high and we’re not even at my boy Jesus Christ’s birthday yet. His shooting percentage is now 35.5%, putting him fifth in the league (with a minimum of 7 GP) and first in the league (with a minimum 19). All I see is efficiency. All I see is a dude making $650k scoring infinitely more than the dude making $6m. And so what if he has two asissts? Winnipeg is going to pay Patty Laine eleventy billion dollars and he has one more assist than Clutchssion.

That nickname sucks I’m sorry.

LA scored two goals and I don’t know how but it looks like they had some help from the zebras.

Oh and also Dustin Brown tackled Connor that would have drawn a spot foul for pass interference in any professional football league, but this is hockey, so Connor does not draw penalties.

2-2

2nd Period

Woof.

3rd Period

THEY GAVE NUGE A PENALTY?!

I had to go back and look to make sure that wasn’t a mistake. How dare they.

Anyways we killed it and it set up this:

And this:

Jesse: “SAME!”

I didn’t get the gif because my Wifi stopped working last night and I’m too lazy to go get it today. But we scored. It was Klef. It was back-to-back nights with game-winning goals for the kid. And we got McPoint number 34. The best #34 in the league, IMO.

3-2 final

Thoughts

Winning streak. Our first one since November 3rd and, more importantly, our first one of the Cock Era, and even more importantly, a winning streak that happened in a game where Jesse fucked. You know what time it is:

Leon and Connor have been doing not good together 5v5. Their last EVS point was back in San Jose. Maybe it’s time to make an adjustment, but also the second line has looked really good, and maybe they’re also just figuring some things out. Also I wouldn’t hate it if Chiasson stepped off that line for a bit to see if another look might spark something better. Or we roll three great centres and just say fuck it, let’s balance this shit. Anyways, we actually have some good news to report:

YA BOY YA!! That’s a thing!!!

How the hell did he drop to us? The team we played last night are in dead fucking last despite being in a cap crunch and having an average age of 106. I’m also stunned he got by Chayka in Arizona considering A) he’s been analytically brilliant in limited samples, B) he makes basically no goddamn money, and C) he’s an RFA at the end of the year without any arb rights.

I’m a big Zykov fan. Not just because he’s on my salary cap league fantasy hockey team and we get one waiver move a month and I needed him to get some regular playing time, but because the guy absolutely bulldozed the American League last year AND has put up very good numbers when playing limited minutes (with talented players) in Carolina. He tore up the preseason on a line with Sebby Aho and Andy Svechnikov. Then, for whatever reason, that Cup-stealing pile of shit Rod Brind’Amour and his stupid misplaced comma decided to play Zykov on the fourth line for practically every minute of the 13 games he played for the ‘Canes this year and my fantasy team was just sitting there like…

But the more important issue here is how a VERY intriguing prospect – who was mysteriously placed on waivers by a team that uses a Viking celebration despite having no fucking personal connection to any Viking ever – ended up in Edmonton. Ladies and gentleBOYS, it is with great honour that I present to you… the man responsible for bringing the next big ENS favourite Russian winger to Edmonton:

DID I DO IT OR DID I DO IT?!

We all know there’s been a massive hole in my heart since Tony Time bolted to the K. And before that it was Yak. But it’s all good now because I can pump a Russian winger’s tires again. Life’s back. Mercury can get the hell outta retrograde or whatever.

New ENS lines for a few games from now when Zykov gets familiar with the boys and we load up three lines with all the spare parts and great centres we have/when Rej gets back:

Zykov – McDavid – Rattie
Caggiula – Nuge – #hefucks
Spooner – Draisaitl – Chiasson
Lucic – Brodziak – Kassian

Klefbom – Larsson
Nurse – Sekera
Wideman/Gravel – Russell

I know you probably think having Valentin Zykov and Ty Rattie on McDavid’s wings is laughable but hear me out: Connor scores with everyone. He’s been bitten of late and he still has like five points in his last four or something. And his line is not making anything happen at 5v5 right now unless it’s Connor that picks up the puck from the defensive zone and just carries it down the ice by himself. This way, we spread the wealth on offense. This way, we get Rattie back into the lineup where he probably deserves to be (if not for the fact that Ken Hitchcock hates him like Todd hated European wingers) and you have a true LW/RW combo with Connor, and both players can shoot the puck too. Your second and third lines are really 2A and 2B and you use them interchangably based on matchups. Connor has two wingers who can shoot the puck. Khaira comes out because he’s been horrendous. Identity Line slides down to where it should be. I’m cool with this. I’d like to see this. It will probably never happen. Maybe I should ask the Oilers Twitter dude to make it count again?

That third LA not-goal was so bad and thank god it didn’t count.

Lucic hit the knob of Quick’s stick on a puck that was labeled for the shelf. I had to say it because I rag on him more than anyone else these days, but goddamn when you’re bitten you’re really bitten. He might actually never score again.

Hottest Take of the Night

Get the fire hydrants ready becuzzzzz AuStOn’S bAcK!

WELL Mauro, he’s better at:

A) hockey

B) distributing offense

C) carrying the puck up the ice

D) hockey again

E) winning a playoff series

F) leading the league in scoring despite his GM trading away every winger on the team and having a coach who couldn’t find a successful power play if Google Maps showed him where to look

G) is for GQ modeling

H) is for health

I) playing on a team that doesn’t revolve around the centre of the universe and still being the unanimous best player in the league

J) fucking hockey again you mutt

K) two-way play because I know you don’t watch the Oilers and just assume he’s not great in the defensive end like all you other mouth-breathing Six living twats who think that there must be some sort of fundamental flaw in his game but there isn’t and he’s better defensively than Auston

L) haven’t even really mentioned his passing yet and I just listed 12 other things, so passing

M) is for MVP trophies

N) vision

O) is for OH YA his hairline doesn’t touch the peak of his skull so his flow’s better too

P) is for the percentage of the team’s total points he contributes on

Q) is for quit Twitter now before I go through the alphabet, you idiot

To quote Billy Beane: “If Auston’s better overall, then why isn’t he better overall?”

PS – For those that rag on Cam, look at the Iceman in the back of the picture where Klefbom is humping the air:

THE MOST fired up along with Kassian. I still believe in the Iceman, this, despite the fact that I dropped him for Mikko in my fantasy league. He’s truly a great person and I think he just needs to figure out how to make some saves again and then he’ll be back. Give it time…


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