MAB: Welcome to the Cock Era!!

Look at that spectacular man. What an enigma. My boy Hitch up there looking like a direct ancestor of Al Capone and/or Paul Vario. Can’t tell if he’s either ready to collect tax from some schmuck or stick Milan Lucic’s $42 million ass on the fourth line. What a *chef kiss* phenomenal debut for the big man. That’s my temporary coach! I want to stand on the top of Seven Hills and shout it at the world.

Hitch became a social media phenomenon from pretty much puck drop, all the way until the final whistle where he waddled off the ice like the goddamn King of the North that he is. Seriously everyone changed their Twitter profile pics to a picture of the Big Unit looking absolutely hilarious doing ordinary things. YES. Inject this right here!! We’re undefeated in the Cock Era, baby. Haven’t done a MAB in a while because I’m sick of the org’s shit but I owe it to the stallion behind our bench to light one up today, sooooo LET’S GO!

1st Period

The Cock Era did NOT get off to a good start!

Mikko kind of just dropped that wrist-shot-to-the-chest right in front of the crease, where an unconvered Jonas Donskoi back-handed home his fifth of the year. Off the draw, it was Darnell’s man, but when Donskoi skates into the middle it’s like a shift play in basketball where he bounces off one defender and uses the pick-and-roll to find the open space, and Kris Russell was standing inside the circle covering absolutely fucking nobody except his goalie’s ability to see the shot. BOOM we’re trailing 45 seconds into the game but in today’s edition of my personal favourite television series, We Have Connor!

It was a special edition episode called “Connor Gets His 100th Career Goal!” Ohhhhhhhhh you better believe Connor became the fourth fastest Edmonton Oiler to score 100 career NHL goals (edged out only by Gretzky, Kurri, and Anderson… whatever). Let’s see it, in all it’s glory!

Connor’s also one of four active players to have hit 100 career goals before the age of 22, none of whom are Auston Matthews (okay, he has 84 with over a year to go, but can he lift a glass of water without Wolverine-ing his rotator cuff?). Not to be lost in all the Connor McHype was the sensational pass by Leon Draisaitl. Add an accidental assist to Adam Larsson, who somehow has eight this year. Almost as importantly, we tied the game!!! And then it wasn’t tied anymore!!!!!

WOOOOOF that was a buck:30 after we tied it with Connor’s Mc100thCareerGoal.

Joe Thorton tied Mario with that assist… think about that. He now has as many career assists than maybe the second best player of all time. Holy good.

2-1 Sharks, who cares.

2nd Period

*sips tea* take it away, baby Nuge:

That’s Kyle Brodziak’s first assist as an Oiler since rejoining the Oilers and it was a helluva dish sprinkled with a little mild but satisfying sauce for flavour and served right on the table for #93. That’s the little buddy’s second goal since October 27th, or as many as Milan Lucic has in his last 67 games.

We kind of dominated the rest of the period, until we didn’t anymore. In what would have been the death-blowing shift of the game (had it not been for more McHeroics in the third and OT) Adam Larsson began the dreadfulness by shooting the puck approximately eleventy billion feet wife from the high slot:

Then proceeded to get absolutely fucking circumvoluted by Logan Couture about 20 seconds later:

Couture knitted a quilt titled “Larsson” and Adam was sent wondering if SJ Sharkie had enough time to devour his jock strap before the beginning of the third. I mean, he had McDavid wide open down low and still elected to shoot the puck 400 feet wide of the net. Again, this man has eight assists this year. What a remarkable stat.

3-2 Sharks

3rd Period

Ya’ll ready for this: I’ve sneaky loved Drake Caggiula on the first line. Here’s a 0.75 second GIF of his goal:

UGH what a pass by His Highness. Connor now hitting the 30 point mark in just 21 games, the fastest Oiler to do so since Mark Messier back in like 1991 or some shit as he moves two back of His Throne, all while Martin Jones collects a months worth of CTE courtesy of Drake’s butt.

And that goal was all we needed to bring us to…

Game Over

Game over, baby:

Even when it’s ugly they make it pretty like that greasy diarrhea-crusted food poisoning vomit Joe Pavelski high-sticked Connor in his generational face but we’ll take that no call to go with a side order of suck my butt, Joe OH AND CONNOR IS ONE BACK OF HIS THRONE AGAIN ON THE HEELS OF A CASUAL THREE POINT PERFORMANCE BABAAAAAAY!

4-3 Oilers, finalllllllllllllll mmmmmhmmmmm

Thoughts

It’s not technically a winning streak dance party yet but our head coach officially has the best winning percentage out of any coach in Oilers history, so that deserves one:

And we’re sliding back in 500 like:

This is something. There’s a crisp chill in the winds, blowing in the direction of “the media is rapidly turning on Peter Chiarelli.” And I’m enjoying it. It’s like they’re all starting to realize what the greater majority of us had already realized two-three years ago. Watch as they cry “hindsight!” when really it’s “you idiots we all knew it and you belittled us for even suggesting that he sucks at his job.” I don’t even need an apology. Just them admitting the murder of crows that are currently occupying their mouths is enough to put me in a tranquil state of bliss.

Look, Peter Chiarelli should be nowhere near this franchise and that’s blatantly obvious but truth is I’ve found this harmonious blend of not giving a shit if they win or lose, for the moment at least. If they win, fantastic! Two points! Get those Dubya’s! On the other hand, if they lose it continues to diminish the already diminishing reputation of our imbecilic butt wad of a GM. And make no mistake, the problems will not go away so long as he’s still calling the shots from the press box. At this stage of the game there ain’t NOBODY out there who should trust baldy to trade anything. And we’re in this kind of weird position of deciding the future fate of this team while still technically entrusting the man directly responsible for this unfathomable fuckery to make the moves needed to get us there. What if we’re in it by around the deadline? Do we give him a shot at making a trade? Do we cripple his reins entirely until we decide what direction the organization is headed from a managerial perspective, preferably away from him? Kinda think we just ride the season out with this roster and absolutely let him not do anything involving trades and then just fire him at the end regardless of the outcome.

All that said, when Connor gets three points I have no choice but to do all the boners. Go Oilers.

I’m the biggest supporter of Cam Talbot in the entire city but this is Mikko’s job to lose right now. Love the Iceman but buddy hasn’t made a save since the Obama administration. It’s Mikko time.

It’s always Ass Eating SZN, baby!

God I can’t wait for the weekend.

Oh, would you look at this little piece of Finnish gold:

*Sees Jesse Puljujarvi creating/generating successful offense while along his one-timer wall on the power play*

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me:

You’re goddamn right he’s still 20. I’m never giving up faith. I’m forever Team Puljujarvi. He could be playing for the Helsinki Helicopters in the Finnish Third Tier League and I’d still follow that man-child wherever he goes.

Hey, you could be an Oiler for the day!

All you have to do is (a) be a legal resident of Alberta, and (b) be a child who is between the ages of 5 and 12 years of age as of October 11, 2018. I wonder if the Oiler for a Day will score before Lucic?

Seriously though, three of our four highest paid players scored a goal last night.

I liked Milan on the fourth (?) line, or the “veteran line” as we’ve been calling it. Thought that line caused havoc on San Jose all night. No, that doesn’t come even close to justifying his blue whale of a contract. One goal in a month and a half, JFC.

What? That means Daryl will have a couple less dollars to buy real estate in Los Angeles? That means his casting couch will take a marginal hit for the next year? All at the expense of the betterment of the hockey club he owns/pays attention to once every geological epoch? Oh no! Sad!

Suck it up and pay for your errors, Daryl. How much are they paying him here oh no he can’t possibly be better than the man who refused to adjust his broken power play or identify which players actually need to be held accountable and besides, OHHH GIMME THIS:

I love it. Team’s bought in. Pay him whatever, Jimbo, and stop worrying about the dollars of an obnoxiously rich man.

If you honestly have 45 minutes to kill at work with a headset and a minimized browser, have a listen to this YouTube clip of Hitch talking about coaching the new wave of players:

 

This is from 2014, and it’s outstanding to hear. Hitch low key did a really good job with some of the young guys in St. Louis and Dallas, present company excluded (sorry, Rattie). He talks about coaching, communicating, and mentoring young athletes, and truly I feel that’s something our team needs right now. I love JP, that’s obvious, and I’m a big believer in Yamamoto as well. I think even given the constraints of his one year here, those two could really blossom under the development of Hitch. Word from the Spin Master is that JP’s headed back to Edmonton next week:

Which totally coincides with what we’ve heard about Hitch wanting to bring the youth back to the bigs and actually coach them, instead of, like, just healthy scratching them and then pushing them off the nest when it’s time for them to fly again.

Which leads me to my next point: The biggest issue I had with Todd was his evident lack of communication with his players, and I know this was a systemic issue with his coaching mechanism, because multiple players (on multiple teams) have mentioned it before. I think Todd’s a decent enough coach on the right team, say one that is filled with veterans and ready to contend. I don’t think Todd is a development coach, but I still think he’s an NHL coach and he’s a good enough man that I wish him the best and basically know that he’ll land another NHL gig soon. But we needed a coach to actually coach; one that would actually mentor and develop players through their slumps and look at the numbers from a broader picture instead of just going with his gut feeling or making up some accountability bullshit. I know it’s one game. I know it’s classic me getting hilariously too optimistic about someone or something that’s been a positive addition for all of maybe 15 seconds, but legit. I have a good feeling about Hitch and his influence on our key pieces. You already saw it start to unfold with his beautifully aggressive use of Connor in the 3rd period, and I’m excited to see how the rest of his coaching career here goes.

Anyways.

(Caggiula’s playing kind of good…)

Defense played like ass butt, but we won so.

But really though all three pairs were basically directly responsible for each goal against. Not terrific. Welcome to Edmonton, Hitch.

I’ll say this though: Although the defensemen looked even poopier than usual, the forwards all looked like peak Patrice Bergeron last night. Day ONE with the Big Cock hovering mightily behind them all and every forward now has a defensive structure that would make Frank J. Selke cream his slacks.

What?

Connor has 30 more points than Sid over the last two years, but Sid’s team never traded Taylor Hall and Jordan Eberle and a first round pick and a second round pick for Adam Larsson (THREE TRILLION FEET WIDE) and Ryan Spooner, plus the corpse of Milan Lucic. But yea Cups are a great way to measure an individual player’s brilliance. Joe Thornton. Just tied Mario fucking Lemieux for 11th all time in assists, but he never won a Cup so it doesn’t even matter.

And that’s not even the hottest take of the night, because…

Hottest Take of the Night

HOLY SPEC!

So, you’re saying β€” and stop me if I’m coming off as obtuse here β€” that it’s better for the Oilers to deplete Connor McDavid’s offensive potential? The same Connor McDavid who scores on literally all of our goals? Like he’s not already a fucking masterful all around player? Like we need less goals from the player already contributing on all of our goals in order to be successful?!

WHAT THE FUCK HAHAH holy shit imagine seriously predicting that, man. Spec’s funny shit. Once in a lunar eclipse he says something that makes me go, “you know, I actually agree with that!” and that’s basically the only thing separating him from Steve Simmons or fucking Damien Cox. Because apart from his sporadically wise takes this man loves to inhale some serious glue. Imagine thinking that it’s better for the club if McDavid gets less points? That would be, like, the Oilers pre-McDavid… which was, uhm:

Well it was absolute dog piss. Maybe let’s fix “everyone except McDavid” before we think adjusting McDavid’s McMasterful play will benefit the team, mmmkay Spec?

PS – MAJOR SHOUTOUT to Cam Wietzel (friend of the blog and good St. Albert man, baby!) for igniting this absolutely outstanding exchange with Jimmy Takez that I want printed, lamented, then framed so I can look at it whenever I need a laugh:

“He’s cowboy from Caroline” OHHHHHH HELP ME GOD I CAN’T BREATHE!! That’s unbelievable. The sarcasm SAILED right over Jimmy’s head like an Andy Dalton pass and he actually answered it with “he’s cowboy from Caroline.” Move over, clean ‘n jerk, there’s a new GOAT Jimmy Tweet and it’s all because my man Cam. I no longer need a coffee today. BLISS!

Also was Jimmy low key hinting that Kris would shrug off a concussion and come back to play in an otherwise meaningless game in November because PARDON?!


Leave a Reply

Please Login to comment
  Subscribe  
Notify of