GDB Flames (good) @ Oilers (19-9-2): The Cock’s first BoA

Let me tell ya, WordPress picked the absolute worst possible day to change up their entire format on me. The blog office just went from Rexall Place to the Rog Mahal without any warning. I’m not even sure this is going to be published. I feel like I’m typing on a spaceship. Holy balls. Not to mention I just finished a night at that cesspit of a storage room Toronto calls “The Pint.” I still went nuts to the wall – only because I’m contractually obligated to do so at every Pint in Canada AND because Leafs’ (sic) fan’s tasted too good not to funnel – but it didn’t even have a back bar, man. That’s Pint 101. Get me out of this dump.

Speaking of dump’s, Calgary’s arena.

On that note, I had to write the first BoA of the Cock Era. You think I care about vacation knowing the Big Bird waited his whole life to coach a BoA? The least I could do is blog the hell out of this game for our Coaching Cocksman (not to be confused with our winger Cocksman, Jesse). And that’s exactly what I plan on doing, assuming this actually publishes and the formatting doesn’t look like that human scrotum Matt Tkachuk’s puberty-invaded face. Let’s go baby.

Tonight’s Opponent

Calgary FlOH NO:

GASP! Oh dear! Oh my! Oh, what a shame! If this isn’t something you just hate to see then I don’t know what is. Talk about an all-time message packaged and sent and delivered. That’s what the IIHF thinks of the Saddledome: They willingly awarded Red Deer (!!!) a host city for the World Juniors over Calgary. Red Deer’s Alberta’s geographically confused city that you’re all but forced to stop in before completing your QE2 treck because it’s like the only first-world community between Calgary and Edmonton. They will help us host Canada’s March Madness, because it will be 2021, and Calgary’s arena will still be shaped like a fucking Saddle.

Our Lineup

It’s a ROYAL BLUE NIGHT!! Don’t get too used to this, we only have two left. Back to the orange meth we go after tonight.

Cam won back-to-back games because I dropped him for Koskinen, but Mikko gets the call tonight. I don’t need the fantasy win because I’m clobbering. I need the personal win because I truly hate the Flames.

Same lineup as the team that scored a touchdown PLUS the PAT against Minnesota. I couldn’t get a game day blog done that day but I would have predicted around six goals and probably 11 points for Connor. Pretty close.

I honestly only saw the third period from Friday so I can’t really give an opinion on the lineup but any time you drop a seven spot on a “defensive” team I think you just automatically roll that lineup into the next game.

Their Lineup

Ohhh I can dig me teeth into these idiots though.

Elite Centre Sam Bennett has nine points and no goddamn pull-ups in 30 games. Let’s look at it again:

It’s just so beautiful. It belongs in a museum next to this molten take:

What a fucking shift, man. Connor’s four points on Friday are five less than Bennett has all year. Sam Bennett’s relationship with the pull-up bar is the only rivalry currently more one-sided than the Bruins-Leafs. He has one less point than Jujhar Khaira. What a shift.

Mayonnaise was the other component of that ridiculous decision by HudlerHugs to publish that content on the world wide web. He’s enjoying the best season of his career riding Johnny’s gentlemanly coat tail all the way to 35 in 30.

Cowards started Mike Smith last night so we’re probably facing their good goalie.

I watched their game last night. They’re good. I’m aware. I’m not too proud to admit that. That doesn’t mean they’re unbeatable. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t hit them in the face tonight. We’re playing good enough hockey right now too. Our coach has magically churned Peter’s expired cream into a salvageable enough butter, and for the time being we’ve actually strung together a pretty okay stretch of hockey (we also did this with earlier until basically we played these very Flames and took 4 million penalties before eventually collapsing against our biggest rivals in a game that what was pretty much Todd’s funeral). Calgary’s coming off a tough win last night against Nashville. Their best defenseman is suspended. I’d normally never mention Mikael Backlund because he doesn’t matter but he has 27 in 36 career games against the Oilers, and he’s out too.

And on that note, Mikael Backlund has played 36 of the least memorable games against the Oilers. He clips at a 0.75 point per game pace against us and I honestly forget about him when I roll through Calgary’s depth chart in my spare anger time. Wasn’t he drafted in 2001? How is he still playing?

And finally:

This insufferable dipshit always brings the best out of Leon Draisaitl. They hate each other. It’s outstanding. For years the BoA was more like a SoA as both teams struggled to maintain relevancy while the rest of the league rolled through Alberta expecting a quick four points. Before the 16-17 season, the rivalry basically ended after Stevie Mac one-punched Raitis Ivanans into retirement. Then it was this long, dull drag that we didn’t really care of or look forward to. Some of us even started to hate Vancouver more than Calgary. Shame on you but also it’s tough to really blame you because there was nothing to cheer about in these so-called battles. That all changed once Calgary drafted this pine-coned faced son-of-a-fat-retired-NHLer. Fuck Matt Tkachuk with Aquaman’s trident.

Extra Thoughts

I’ll swear off swearing at Lucic for three games if he bulldozes Tkachuk into the Loge Seats tonight. But also, I kind of like it when Connor and Leon go after Franklin themselves. For all the superhero Calgary critics that claim Connor’s soft and whatever, it’s cool to see him push Tkachuk back to the ice and also score eight goals in the process.

You know Hitch wants to sink his teeth into the Flames. Let’s go baby, let’s go.

Connor’s eight back. All it took was four point against those idiots from Minnesota and suddenly His Throne is reachable again. God I wish Mike Smith was starting tonight.

The game is a 9 o’clock start out here and you better believe I’ll be going full throttle by myself at a local tavern, probably the Pint again.

Remember Wednesday when I hit that natural hatty of wins in a single day thanks to Tottenham and the Raptors and these very Edmonton Oilers? I have that opportunity again today. The Colts have kicked off Houston in a divisional clash against a team that I utterly hate and there’s no score yet but somehow I feel like they’re already losing. Raptors are playing Giannis and the second place Bucks tonight and I’ll be in attendance so I can already see that backfiring. And the Oilers are playing the only team I hate worse than those lying sacks of assholes in Florida, and they also happen to be leading the Western Conference, because of course they are. This could be ugly or it could be really awesome.

This could be ugly.

It’s December 9th and I’m already getting these uncontrollable urges to turn into the Incredible Hulk every time that Mariah Carey song is played. All I want for Christmas is for that song to be eaten to death by White Walkers. But see the thing is it’s also low key fire and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t mumble the lyrics every time it’s played. This confusion needs to get lost.

I’m terribly hungover.

It’s laughable that every team has basically moved on from Reebok’s horrible attempt of that Edge rebrand except for the Flames, who might have had the worst set out of everyone not named us:

Those jerseys were piss soup.

Prediction

8-0 Oilers. Connor with everything. 

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