MAB: No Connor, no problem? Just kidding, that game fucking sucked

Imagine finding out, 20 minutes before puck drop, that Connor McDavid wasn’t going to play? Hey Edmonton, raise your hand if you’ll never watch another game without Connor?!

This team is unwatchable without Connor. Last night was proof. I’d love to see Sportsnet’s viewers for the game. It was on national TV. Christ. And like an absolute IDIOT I went back and rewatched that game on Sportsnet NOW. I will never get those 150 minutes back. I could sum up exactly what happened during this sequence of Tweets:

Dead. Right from the beginning. Unequivocally doomed. Our defense is arguably the worst in the entire league, and dressing six on any given night is a massive detriment to the hockey club, never mind throwing a seventh one into the equation because we don’t have enough healthy forwards on the roster at the moment AND because Zykov can’t officially join the Oilers due to some immigration bullshit, or whatever. Of course. OF COURSE. If Zykov was picked up by that fucking millennial Dubas he’d have six goals and 13 assists by now. But he’s legally blocked from joining the Edmonton Oilers, and therefore we dressed 11 forwards and seven defensemen and proceeded to get our frozen butts kicked by the goddamn Stars.

The actual game went like this:

Nailed it.

Jujhar Kharia scored a goal late in the third period. That goal gave us one (1) goal in six regulation periods of hockey against Anton Khudobin. Anton. Khudobin. Not Sergei Bobrovsky. Not Henrik Lundqvist. Not even C***** Hellebuyck. Anton fucking Khudobin. They don’t deserve my GIFs today. We lost 4-1.

Thoughts

Oh my God, Jim:

It is never a good time to type “pumping lots of fluids into…” in any public forum. It took everything in my power not to wife joke Matty into another galaxy. What goes through this man’s head before he hits “send tweet”?

Let’s see if he put the phone away *checks* of course he didn’t:

Leafs lost Auston Matthews for a month and when he came back they were one point out of first place.

I actually liked the play of Draisaitl, Nuge, JP, and Rattie. Eye test, analytics test, #hefucks test, everything looked good from those four last night, based on my own subjective thoughts, at least. All of our other players stunk butt, but those four gave me some optimism at least.

On that note, we have the potential to put together a rather solid top six with those four plus Connor, and probably Yamamoto too. We need the right person to play maestro for the rest of the roster, and the turd hauler we currently employ is not that person. If we get that right… who knows. But I’m hopeful, and those of you who religiously follow me know that me having hope is about as rare as Milan having goals.

Our blue line is a miserable pile of shit though.

That first period was a cavity that turned into a root canal without the benefits of any pain medication.

Sum up the last decade in one image:

Abusive language. Same.

Want to see a very bad stat?

Shots on goal per minor penalties, sorted by the players who suck the most at this. Many people were campaigning for Kassian to play with Connor a few weeks ago but the thing about that is it should never happen.

No, I’m not thinking about the draft lottery. And you shouldn’t be either. Shame on you if you say, “Oh Jack Hughes though!” because there’s no excusable reason for a team with Connor McDavid to be even remotely in consideration for a lottery pick. I hate this team.

When you’re absolutely finished but you tryin’ to type that DM anyway:

Nothing like getting our butts kicked in front of the dads and Wayner.

I’d like to officially welcome the next team I’m already on board with passionately rooting against:

Hello, Seattle. You don’t have a name yet, and I already hate your shit. Seattle only has four teams and the *hockey club* is already comfortably in fourth, as far as fan concern is concerned, only marginally ahead of the Mariners, and below the Seahawks, that MLS club, and a basketball team that hasn’t played since 2008. Oh and also they’re going to promptly make all of our arteries simultaneously bleed out:

Oh… welcome to the NHL idiots, here, take whatever guts we have left.

Could you imagine the utter hilarity behind Seattle taking Larsson? Assuming we end up letting Spooner walk for nothing, Peter would have successfully dealt Hall, Eberle, 16, and 33 for nothing. For NOTHING. This is what happened to Boston. They were a walking example of why we shouldn’t hire this mind-numbingly idiotic shit bag, and we did it anyway. We deserve the hell we’ve currently suffocated ourselves in. I pray to anyone who’ll listen that Stan Bowman hires this futile butt-whit in the summer.

Seriously though, fuck Seattle a lot. Your city is run by hipster Silicon Valley castaways who survive on grunge music and Americanos and you stole the ’12th Man’ from Texas A&M. Fuck Macklemore sucks.

The NHL’s realignment will see eight teams remain in each of the four divisions. Arizona is the PAC’s casualty, and nobody really cares. But why keep eight divisional teams? I don’t give a damn about no Vegas Golden Knights or San Jose Sharks. Get them the hell out of our face. How does this awful league not figure out that going to eight divisions of four teams would ultimately be better for rivalry and scheduling purposes? Look at this:

Northwest: CGY, EDM, SEA, VAN
Pacific: ANA, LA, SJS, VGK
West Central: CHI, MIN, STL, WPG
Southwest: ARZ, COL, DAL, NSH

Northeast: BUF, MTL, OTT, TOR
Atlantic: BOS, NJ, NYI, NYR
East Central: CBJ, DET, PIT, PHI
Southeast: CAR, FLA, TB, WAS

Play your divisional opponents six times each (18 games). Play your two of your conference opponents 3 times each (24 games) and the other division twice (8 games, a total of 32 games against your conference). Play the east two times each (32 games). Total of 82 games and we get to see Vancouver, Calgary and those idiots in Seattle six times. Limits travel. Elicits stronger geographical rivalries. Winner of each division gets into the playoffs (1-4 seeds) then remaining four positions go to the next best four teams. It’s so simple. Whatever.

I’m not married to this idea either, I just wish we played our actual rivals more. I’d even be open to eight divisional games against the three other teams so that I get the BoA eight times and other markets consistently see the teams that their cities are geographically rivaled against and playing two other games against the rest of the league, dropping the schedule down to 80 games and opening the door to a three-game wild-card format for fringe teams or something. I just really hate our current format. Anything is better. Also, absolutely abolish the All-Star game, nobody cares.

And because I haven’t carved Jim enough, let’s look at his nuclear hot take from the summer:

If he bounced back to 45 points I’d go, “well, that’s still low for a guy making $6 a year considering we ran Eberle out of town and in the then-26 year old’s worst season as an Oiler he had 20 goals and 51 points, but sure, let’s start with 45.” Milan Lucic is on pace for 15 points this year. Adam Larsson actually repels the puck when it gets near his stick and he’s on pace for 24. And there’s nothing we can do about it. His NMC blocks a minor league cap-burying solution, and you’d need Peter Chiarelli to be running another organization for the team to acquire this contract. And buying him out might be even worse as far as cap-related issues are concerned. Seriously. Our best and probably only hope is that a team like Florida or Carolina, desperate for the cap floor because of the increase in cap spending next year, takes his hideous contract off our currently strapped hands while we pay out his bonus every July 1 or whatever. This might be the worst contract in hockey.

I’m off to Toronto tomorrow and I’ll be gone until Monday. I’ll do the Calgary game though because Matt Tkachuk wipes his ass with his bare hand, but there’s a better chance of someone trading for Milan tonight than me writing even one blog for two games against St. Louis and fucking Minnesota. But who knows. Miracles, man. They seldom happen but I’m saying there’s a chance. Delete Chiarelli like Thanos deleted the Avengers.


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