MAB: Took the Flames to Shutter Island on Bob Cole Night

OHHHH BABY! Who called that shutout?!

THIS GUY!

Fucking nailed it. Connor even had everything too. Cool team, Calgary. The Big Cock is officially undefeated in BoAs. A perfect 1-0 record.

I was one of like maybe nine people at the Earls in downtown Toronto last night, and I was absolutely soaking myself in pitchers of Rhino watching the BoA BY MYSELF. I HANS SOLOED THE BOA in this utopian hellscape they call Toronto. You think I cared? It’s my moral obligation as an Albertan to get drenched in beer and scream at the TV like a spasmodic adult lion when Calgary plays Edmonton. When Connor scored I unleashed a “DAMMIT RIGHTS!” so loud the unsuspecting girl bartending dropped a plate. Her name was Clara. She’s going to be mentioned a few times in this post. Anyway, poor fucking Clara’s just trying to do her job and this young Albertan is demonstratively drunk, by himself, emphatically screaming at a televised sporting event. I swear on my mother’s name she asked me if I had money on the game. She literally couldn’t process the idea that one person could care so much about two teams playing against each other. I left the ACC (I’m refusing to call it the Scotia), headed straight to the bar, buried one shot for every one that Kyle Lowry’s 30-million-dollar ass missed, then looked goddamn Clara in the eyes and said: “Put the game on, let’s go.” Refill your Sambuca, Earls King Street. Let’s go.

1st Period

CONNOR!! You beautiful mutant:

SHOW ME THE CELLY!

This guy was born to score against the Flames! What’s that, 11 goals now in like 17 games against Calgary? LORD. Hometown Hockey with the McDavid’s and Connor BURIES one by that Czech idiot Rittich then drops down and fist-pumps the Flames all the way to Medicine Hat. And like 30 seconds before this was the most heart-throbbing Bob Cole tribute video in the history of tribute videos. I cried. This entire sequence of events inevitably launched a SpaceX rocket in my pants and vaulted me off my chair where I proceeded to give Clara a frame-by-frame reenactment of the celly.  I was yelling “Oh baby!” because Bob and then Connor comes and does the Connor and then I was yelling “Oh baby!” at Connor and GOD just everything that happened immediately following this period of time was obviously unavoidable.

That’s it we won! Suck it, Calgary!! SUCK IT!!

Thoughts!!!

HAHAHA CALGARY GIMME THAT COOKIE MONSTER DOUGIE:

There are a ton of things that you just really hate to see happening all over social media so let’s get to it.

Calgary handled this loss extremely well, and by that I mean they all boarded the excuse train to Cry-me-a-fucking-river-ville, hopped in the Wambulance and are currently heading to the nearest hospital to get their Butthurtitis checked. My thoughts and prayers are with them.

I mean, this just hurts to read. A once proud organization from Atlanta moved to Calgary and has since evolved into a bunch of insufferable shit bags who would rather blame the entire universe for their unfortunateness than take an L against Edmonton and move on. Hate to see it.

Bob Cole forever.

Mikko cannot be beaten at home. Literally he’s undefeated I think. Goals against average of what feels like zero. Insane.

I’ll give Chia props on Mikko because it looks like he’s actually working out. I will never give Chia a prop again. Even a blind squirrel accidentally runs into a nut.

A misconception is that this team is boring because of Hitchcock. That’s factually incorrect. This team is boring because they were built by Peter’s idiot brain. But winning games has been fun. Thank you, Hitch.

If Nuge would have scored that goal too, oh my god.

LMAO ANTHONY PELUSO OR WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS hahahahahah Calgary, man. Guy stinks.

I almost erupted when Connor did that move in the first period. If he would have scored there would have been nothing that could have prevented what I would have done to that Earls. I’m so sorry, Clara.

Anybody seen James Neal?

I couldn’t find a GIF of Lucic bulldozing that idiot and I have to catch a flight so I’ll back-pocket it for another time. Get me the hell out of Ontario.

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