GDB Criminal Assholes (17-17-7) @ Goddamn Oilers (20-20-3): WHERE ARE MY JERSEYS?!

From yesterday:

Perhaps I’ll write again under this ridiculous current regime. Perhaps not. I can’t promise regular posts as of this moment.

Shanny, January 10, 2019

Well I forgot we played these idiots today. The boycott is, once again, temporarily on hold. I know I said I can no longer support a Chiarelli-operated hockey club but my god, I need them to win this game. I personally don’t care if we lose every other game not including games against Calgary or Toronto or Vancouver for the rest of the year. I need to win this one. It’s personal. It will always be personal until I get two jerseys from the Florida Panthers Hockey Club. FUCK this Enron replica of a sports franchise with every plastic rat they’ve ever thrown on the ice.

Tonight’s Opponent

Pieces of unmitigated god awful dog SHIT who lie to their valued customers for the purpose of inflating their diarrhea attendance numbers.

Arizona averages more fans per game and they didn’t need to play a “home game” in Finland to bump those numbers up. How the hell did we lose a trade to these genital warts?

Our Lineup

*shudders*

It’s better than having Khaira and Kassian on line one. It’s not better than what it could have been had it not been for a horrid hire back in the spring of 2015. Despite Petrovic’s injury, Brandon Manning’s $2.25 million ass is still in the nosebleeds. When Klefbom and Sekera (?) come back, we’ll have:

Klefbom, Sekera, Nurse, Russell, Larsson, Gravel, Benning, Petrovic and Manning on the roster. That includes Caleb Jones, who has unequivocally been our best defenseman since being recalled from Bakersfield, being sent back down to the minors because we have too many bad defenseman with brutal contracts on the roster at the moment. Is there hope for *clenches bowels* a trade?

OH YOU GUYS NEED DEFENSIVE DEFENSEMEN *looks back at our roster* WELL I NEED TWO FUCKING JERSEYS also literally just take anyone from our roster *shifts attention to CapFriendly* shit Kris Russell has a NMC and for some unknown reason loves it here, so he’s probably out. You want Nurse?! You want LARSSON?! GIVE US ONE OF THESE WINGERS, PETE!

Their Lying Ass Roster

Huberdeau is untouchable and Hoffman’s girlfriend hates babies but Bobby “the Boog” Boughner has apparently been losing faith in Dadonov as of recently. You know who would look good on Connor’s generational McWing?:

Evgeny fucking Dadonov. I’ll subtract one jersey from the collateral that you still goddamn owe me if it means that you take Nurse for this winger. Do I believe that Peter can successfully orchestrate this maneuver?

Barkov is a leading candidate for the Selke so I expect him to cover McDavid like a duvet as per usual tonight. It’s worked out exceptionally well for Sasha in the past. In five career games against the Panthers, Connor has 10 points. He’s doing my work for me. Bury these fuckers.

Troy Brouwer LOL.

I never heard of Hank Borgstrom before five minutes ago (4 points in 11 games this season, who cares) but this guy knows what’s up:

That buzz is still like three ice cold Bud Lights on a summer patio buddy, I feel ya. Connor’s eight back of Kucherov for the league lead (whatever, we saw this movie last year) but more importantly, he’s now three back of Johnny Lady Byng for the leader in Alberta. Can’t have that. Daddy (ours, not theirs) is playing with Leon tonight so The Cock knows it’s time to get his Throne back. And who’s he going to do that against?

James Reimer, baby. I want Connor to feast on the Panthers puck-allower. He has a 3.18 GAA and a sub .900 save percentage this season. He’s also 6-2-1 all-time against the Oilers. In his last start against the fellas (February 12, 2018) he gave up five goals on 32 shots. We lost.

Their blue line is a whole world of stink, which makes you wonder why we traded for one of those bums but hey, here come the Oilers! I couldn’t find a tweet that had their defensemen for tonight but DailyFaceoff has this:

LOOK AT THOSE BOTTOM TWO PAIRS! Connor’s foaming at the mouth like a zombie from I Am Legend. Corsica hates them. They NEED Darnell Nurse come on Peter ONE TIME MAN ONE TIME. Bogdan Kiselevich. BOGDAN FUCKING KISELEVICH. What the hell is a Bogdan Kiselevich?! *checks scouting report*

Bogdan Kiselevich is considered the superior defenseman to Alex Petrovic in a majority of offensive and defensive categories.

Kiselevich has a better plus/minus rating of -2, whereas Petrovic’s rating was an uninspiring -8. While Petrovic does block more shots (42) and produces more hits (86), he isn’t a smooth skating defenseman who can limit scoring chances and turnovers, which explains why Petro was healthy scratched quite often.

via The Rat Trick

YUP. We traded for the guy who was outplayed by Bogdan Kiselevich.

HOW IN THE ACTUAL WORLD DO I STILL NOT HAVE THOSE JERSEYS?!

You idiots. I bought your stupid season tickets. I gave you my hard earned money. It came from Teeps’ salary. Teeps’ literally was let go of ENS because I couldn’t afford to pay him because I spent all my ENS cents on your empty seats. And all I wanted was a lousy jersey or a call. I hope you know I ripped all of your pictures off my wall! (I had no pictures of the Panthers). From now until you pay up, I will actively root against your team and every team in the Greater Miami Area. The U couldn’t defend Wisconsin if the DC had the Badger’s offensive playbook for the entirety of that Pinstripe Bowl. Dwyane Wade spells his name like an asshole and he hasn’t hit a jump shot since 2016. Relocate your city to Cuba.

Prediction

Every time I get even marginally optimistic, a giant elephant by the name of “fate” takes a 250-pound shit on my life. That said, I’m optimistic about this game. That defense sucks. James Reimer does not stop pucks. What could possibly go wrong?

*thinks about all the things that could go wrong*

6-1 Oilers. Connor with five. Jesse with one fuck tonight.

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